I bang my first Thai massage parlour manager

I wake up bright and early with the newly acquired F-town dogtags around my neck. Life is good. The bright welcome sounds of my laptop greet me as I check my mail. Oh dear, Robusto has stolen the title while I slept, the sneaky fat aussie cunt. The sky suddenly darkens outside.

Later in the evening I come back from muay thai training with Bhodi and we turn our scooters into the final approach home. There’s a small massage parlour so I park up and decide to get the kinks of training kneaded out of my muscles to avoid tomorrow’s aches. Bhodi says “there’s a nice bird works there.” Indeed there is. It’s 11pm and an early 30s slightly MILFy bird is starting to close up shop, alone. I enquire whether there’s time for a massage and she assents.

Note at this moment I have zero intent. It’s not even on my mind. I’ve been having massages every night after training so this is just more of the same.

What my friends think I got

For the first half hour I recline on the futon with my eyes shut and don’t say a word. The woman busies herself digging thumbs into pressure points and grinding her elbow against my muscles. Maybe I’m kidding myself but my spider-sense is tingling. Something about her manner isn’t quite right. She seems to be putting too much of her body into contact with mine. It’s not sexual but it’s vaguely sensual. I pay it little mind. She starts to make light conversation which I reciprocate. Then towards the last ten minutes we are talking more so I drop in light DHVs reflexively. She compliments me on my “strong shoulders”. Hmmmmm.

She finishes and I’m still thinking nothing of it. It’s midnight and we’re both tired. She sits down on a futon next to me and makes small talk. I’m reading her for IODs to see if she signals me to leave so she can close up shop but they never come. So I put a calm vibe on her and gradually take control of the conversation. Before long she’s showing me photos of her family and saying she’ll sleep in the parlour tonight because her house is 40km away. It’s never awkward but it’s all inappropriate for a customer-client frame. Something is afoot.

What the internet thinks I got

So I escalate slightly by giving her a light shoulder massage. Then I suggest showing her my puppies my photos on my laptop at my room (less than 100m away). Thus begins a pattern of two-steps-forwards-one-step-back that continues for the next hour. She initially demurs then agrees, then as I put my shoes on and start going she demurs again before following five minutes later. At my room she sits on the corner of the bed while I put on facebook and spotify. I know she’s up for it but clearly wanting to be pressed so that she can tell herself it “just happened”.

After ten minutes in my room she rebuffs the first two kisses in a half-arsed display of chastity then takes the third. I’ve long since figured out how she wants to be seduced so I just move it along gently but firmly until she’s rubbing my cock and I know it’s a done deal. She’s a decent lay. Then she excuses herself and walks back to her shop. I don’t even pay for the massage.

What I felt I was getting

I fire off an email to Robusto to request he unburden himself of the tags which he no longer has a right to wear.

This lay is what I would call a “George”, after my new Greek buddy who has stacked his adulthood with over a hundred such lays. There was no game per se. I just went on with my business and allowed my spider-sense to pick up signals when a girl was in the right mood at the right time. Then I just laid my vibe on her, relaxed, and gently moved it forwards. Every one of you probably has twenty of these experiences where you failed to spot the signals and thus nothing happened. And this is an unexpected reward of following the game route – you pick up such good calibration in the process of opening thousands of girls that when a lay just walks right up to you, you are able to spot it and let it happen.

Add ten years and you have her double

Learning points

• Be aware of the signals around you that girls give off. You might not be on the pull, but she might be horny and into you.
• When you meet the right girl in the right mood, you just have to let the lay happen
• This was two hours from meet to lay, including one hour for the massage. Don’t be psyched out when things move fast. As this one built up speed I was thinking “whoa, is it really falling into my lap so easily?” I could’ve fucked it up if I’d stuck too close to my model on what should happen.

I bang my first Thai village girl

Sometimes getting laid is astonishingly easy. This one was three hours from meet to sex but to be fair I still followed the model to eliminate unnecessary fuck ups on what was basically a slamdunk. It all begins when I decide to try pipelining ahead of my visit to Thailand. Robusto and JJ are dab hands at online game, so much so they should probably write a book on it, so I just plaguarise the fat man’s profile and copy JJ’s message principle of “push-pull-push”. With less than three hours since sign-up I’m pinging messages with a dozen ladies.

The cream of asia, yesterday

Now lets be straight, these ladies are not the cream of Asia. While not as old and hideous as an English website, the girls are firmly clustered around the 5-7 band but as we well know an Asian seven is often very very pleasant company. I move a few of the girls over to my facebook and Skype. There’s tons of filipinos (which is little use to me) but I add them too to experiment with hassling ‘em for naked photos. Here’s the full set of messages of the bird I banged:

Me: Hey sweetie. I’m headed to [thai city] next week and I’ll be making new friends. I have a vacancy for a fun, crazy, cute local girl to laugh at my jokes and show me the city. I wonder where I could find one….. [Robusto-style so far]

Her: you have to try…. everywhere…i dont know… i can’t find guy like that either.. they’re somewhere

Me: Real men are very rare. Like pandas or tigers. What is your ideal man?

Her: someone honest,clever and always make me laugh

Me: I’m boring. I’m the most boring man in the world. I like your hair in your photo. I’m very boring. When I talk, you will fall asleep. [JJ-style of push-pull-push]

Her: you might not be so boring but the fact that you repeat saying you’re boring so many times. that’s boring

Me: ****** logic paradox ****** weird girl I like your hairband too. I don’t like your bed sheet [push-pull-push]

Her: weird man that’s not bed sheet, it’s bedspread. I like your jacket but I dont like your hat.

Me: That hat cost me $5,000. Well, no it didn’t. That’s a lie. What are you doing right now?

Her: I’m working but sneak chatting. if you mean occupation.. it’s bloody[boring office] company

Me: BOOOOOORRRRRINGGGG!!!!! You need excitement. Are you adventurous?

Her: thanks for telling me that my job is boring. it really helps. I am more adventurous than you can imagine.

Me: I don’t believe you. I think you work all day and watch TV all evening. I think the most adventurous thing you ever did was to kiss a guy in a bar. Once. You look like a fun girl

Her: you’re pathetic.. listen to your attitude. i bet all girls you have met are as boring as you just describe me, and i bet you’ll never find anyone more adventurous than that.

Me: It’s unfortunate. Maybe I just have bad luck in Thailand. In London, the girls I meet are all fun, interesting, energetic and beautiful. Maybe my luck in London is good. Are you really 159cm?

Her: maybe 158 i’m not sure. and me, i have bad luck too… all boys i meet here are boring.

Me: Do you have facebook in Thailand?

Her: where have you been dinosaur? facebook is eveywhere now.

Me: I thought so, but the only Thais I know I met in London and Tokyo. Search [my email] and add me

So she comes over to facebook where all my profile DHVs can hit and I can get a better look to see if her dating site photo is backed up by reality. Yeah, she’s quite cute. So I proceed to have a few ten-minute half-arsed chats to bed down some comfort and be more real. We exchange numbers and then a few days after I touch down in Thailand we meet on Saturday evening.

Closer to reality

I tell her it’s fine to bring friends because I’m out with Bhodi. She comes alone on her scooter and from there it’s child’s play. We’re in a lounge bar supping Singha beer and for twenty minutes Bhodi and I just frame-control the shit out of her until she is entrenched in a submissive, inferior feminine position – which she loves, I might add. It’s obvious she’s never seen anything like it. Push-pull, DHVs, chick crack, douchbaggery, it’s all in there. As we finish our drinks and go to the club next door I know all the attraction and qualification is done. I simply need enough comfort and then test some escalation.

Bhodi heads home with a chest infection he picked up in muay thai class while I move my girl from the edge of the dancefloor to a sofa outside. I do very light kino which she accepts and then drop in sexualisation.

Her: What do you like to do in life?

Me: First, I like fighting. Second is sleeping. Then eating. Then reading. Fifth is sex, then videogames.

Her: Sex is only fifth?

Me: No no, sorry. Videogames is fifth, then sex.

A bit later I qualify her on blowjob technique. She says she’s great at it because some ladyboy gave her secret tips. I do a push-away with: “Two things that all girls say they are good at is kissing and blowjobs. It’s never true. I’ve been disappointed so many times.” Predictably she paws me and qualifies: “No, no. Really, I give excellent blowjobs!”

The rook moves to H7. Check.

I tell her we’re going for a walk and start leading in the direction of my apartment and I occupy her forebrain with bullshit until the momentum is rolling. She has a great round ass so I compliment her on it, pick her up over my shoulder and slap it. She’s loving it.

The knight advances. Black is in danger.

We get to my apartment building ten minutes later. “I’m not going to your room” she half-heartedly protests. “It’s just for ten minutes” and up we go. Once inside I put on spotify and chill. “We’re not having sex” she protests. “That’s fine. Just show me some youtube music you like.”

Checkmate

Five minutes later she is demonstrating her blowjob skills. Ten minutes later I have F-town. When I give her a ride back to her scooter she’s singing sweet love songs. Cute. I’ll see her again.

Postscript: Although I go to bed with the F-town tags around my neck, which I swear make me sleep deeper and dream better, Robusto lacks the class and character to allow me to enjoy my acheivement. Way over in Mexico he rushes out to the street and brings a runt home to regain his tags.

I bang my first Chinese tourist in Cuba

First things first – this was not a Cuban whore (which obviously wouldn’t count). She was a travelling Beijing girl and I didn’t spend a penny on her, so it’s a fully-fledged flag‘n’tags. It begins on my second day in Havana when Toe and I go to rendevous with a new Greek friend in Hemingway’s Floridita bar for a mohito and cigar. Greek dude is a big husky 41yr old who used to tour guide the holiday islands – he’s knobbed alot of slutty tourists – and we like him. While at the bar I open a little asian girl who is sitting by herself then bring her back to our table. We all move on to a couple of other bars and she’s into me but I’m getting horrendously drunk without realising it. Suddenly I stand up and the world is spinning. It’s shocking. Approaching midnight as we all walk up the main square I try cavemanning and verbally escalating her but I’m so drunk I can’t stand straight so when she attacks me with her umbrella I fall flat on my arse, laughing. She chases me down the street trying to hit me with her umbrella before Greek restrains her. I stagger home and assume that’s the end of it.

Something like this in Floridita

A few days later its Friday night and we plan to hit Casa de Musica, the “hip” club in Havana, after a few cuba libres in our apartment. Just as we are walking home, about 8pm, some street whore is standing on the corner so we say hello and walk on. Some big fat old American tries to buy her but she seems to dislike him and instead follows us up the stairs to the apartment. Because Toe is at the back he says it’s his set to try and shore. Whatever, she’s rather grotty. So she joins us for rum and it’s just a laid back fun drink. She starts flicking through a video games magazine I left lying around so I show her my Nintendo 3DS which she loves, regressing like a little girl, cooing and chuckling. I put the headphones on her and we leave her in the world of Zelda for half an hour as we chat amongst ourselves. When she wants to go Toe undresses her in his room saying “no dinero, no dinero”. It seems on. He’s about to get his shoring (and Cuban flag) when she suddenly has second thoughts. She leaves, we drink, then at 11pm hit the club.

Zelda, yesterday

After nearly having to slap a few queue jumpers outside we stroll into Casa de Musica and it’s like being on a different planet, Planet Smoking Hot Women. It is jam-packed wall to wall with 7+s. I’ve never seen so many 9s in one place, not even in Estonia. All week I’d been disappointed with the standard of Cuban women but now I realise where they’ve all been hiding. And they are all hitting on us (them being whores, we don’t kid ourselves). Although we are quite aware what’s going on it is still a shock to the system on a primal level to have half a dozen truly beautiful girls competing for our attention at any one time. Our forebrains may well be saying “they are whores, don’t feel special” but our hindbrains are “woo!hoo!woot!woot!” It’s early days and I’ve heard they are very expensive here ($100) so I say to Toe “let’s just treat this as bar game practice. We’ve got a chance to tease and mess with a flock of stunning girls and they are going to stand there and take it. It would be so hard to get this chance in London so let’s drill it into ourselves to tease them.” My vibe is great anyway. So we start tooling these girls and they are biting hard, playing along. I sense it’s gonna be a great night of douchebaggery. Soon I’m locked in with the most beautiful girl whore in the club, a tall brunette who is quite possibly a 10, while I keep playing kids pranks on her and making everyone laugh. She asks me if I want the fucky-fucky so I tell her I’m here to drink beer with my friends but maybe later. I’m expecting her to move on to other leads but she hangs around. Then, unexpectedly, the Chinese bird turns up (we’ve nicknamed her Ming-Ming).

sans umbrella

She starts throwing herself at me. Oh how lucky it is I met you again, it’s my last night in Cuba, I want to have a special night etc. Quite a change from the last time I saw her. I have a dilemma.

1. Game up the whore 10 until she lowers her price enough to make it worth taking her home. The incentive is it’ll be a night of great sex with an unbelievably hot woman. The drawback is it’ll cost alot of money and, with her being a whore, there is no validation whatsoever in banging her. Like having the best wank of your life. Great fun, but just gratification. or,
2. Take home the Chinese 6 for free to get a new flag and return the F-Town dogtags to their rightful owner.

Toe says to bang the chink then come back to the club. So I pull her outside on the promise of rum in my apartment. She follows eagerly. I’m thinking I can get her done within an hour and then get back to my night out but a fearsome case of LMR rears it’s ugly head. It takes over an hour to close her. First she rebuffs the kiss, then the breasts, and so on as I gradually get her undressed. I have to hold her down and she’s protesting with hard token resistance. It’s so borderline that to be sure I go into the bathroom for a few minutes just so I can leave her alone in my room with a clear line to the door if she wants to leave. She stays. Ok, definitely token resistance. She’s giving me the “you are not going to fuck me” routine right up until she asks “do you have a condom?” Bloody LMR. If it wasn’t for the double-whammy of flag n tags I would’ve thrown her out.

On the plus side, once I do get my cock inside her she becomes very good. She tells me I’m the fifth guy to fuck her (she’s 28). After the first time we go to the end of the street for pizza then I bring her back in and fuck her again. She’s all over me by now having been thoroughly tamed. I nail her hard then finally decide to head back to the club but I’ve misjudged it. As I open the front door Toe is outside without his keys, a toothless hophead local guy next to him hassling for spare change. I rush to the club, Ming-Ming in tow, but it’s throwing out time. I quickly scan the room for hot whores but they have all left or paired up. So I return empty handed, by which time Toe has a beautiful girl whore with him that he knocked down to $50.

So I missed a great night but got a good flag. Shame she wasn’t hotter.

Learning points

• Just cos a girl thinks you’re a drunken arsehole one night doesn’t mean she won’t secretly like it, think about it, then come back for more
• When a girl is ready to be extracted, don’t waste time. It took ten minutes from bumping into her again to leaving the club
• Notice the difference between token resistance and real resistance. The easy way is to give a girl chances to leave and see if she takes them

I threeseome two dappy tarts from Norway – Part Two

*Video coming later, as I am now on a Caribbean beach and all my threesome footage is on a hard drive in London*

As much as it pains me to admit it, JJ has to take most of the credit for making this happen. He opened the set in Oslo, he ran the facebook chat on Girl A (the make-up artist) to get her keen to meet us on her London trip, and then by banging her the first night he pretty much had the set locked down. So as I woke up at noon on Saturday morning (New Year’s Eve) with an un-fucked Norwegian model in my bed, I took stock of the situation:

• I’m in bed with a girl I don’t really give a shit about but she is fairly hot. She’s also cranky and in her own world so I’m just not fussed to try and solve her puzzle.
• She thinks I’m a cool, funny, sexually aggressive douchebag who also has a warm side. For whatever reason, she put the brakes on the sex last night.
• JJ is waking up with a hot brunette next door to me who seems like a much nicer person and had been actively rapport-seeking with me on the occasions she didn’t have her tongue down JJ’s throat. No question she fancies me, but she likes JJ more.
• JJ has his close so now he’ll be up to mischief.

The girls hang around till mid-afternoon until Dragon comes back. I bump into Alex and thank him for doing such good winging the night before when he drops a bomb – he fucked Dragon. Good grief! That really is taking one for the team. Not much happens the rest of the day until I head out into Soho to meet a friend for a few beers and by about 11pm we roll into Chateau RSG for our big party. There’s loads of randomers milling around who I don’t know making it look like a reality-TV house for Jersey Shore or The Only Way Is Essex. They are all having fun but not my crowd, to put it mildly. We sit drinking in the cinema room for a while and now the Norwegians are back for seconds, all dolled-up. At some point between going to bed last night and seeing them again just before midnight I’d managed to lose all interest in Model. Maybe I was smarting from the LMR or maybe something else but I pretty much ignored her the next three hours to talk to my friends. Before long the distinguished gents of the house retire upstairs to the Hemingway Suite bringing our girls with us. It’s a nice low-key vibe with whiskey and cigars. I’m not trying to get laid at all. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my job winging JJ.

Gradually we get shitfaced drunk.

Some of the hangers-on come upstairs to squeeze their way in but we give them fairly short shrift when they misbehave. I send one guy out for sitting on a fragile drinks rack. JJ has his arm around Becks chatting when some gay black dude starts giving him the eye and caressing his hand – takes him a while to realise what’s going on. It’s all normal drinking. Dragon spends an hour spouting incessant drivel into my ear. I’ve got Model sitting next to me on the sofa now that we are finally chatting and Dragon is leaning over her to spout her rubbish. After a while Model gets up and sits in her own world at the other side of the room while Dragon tries to sidle up next to me (I tell her to keep her distance and she gets all butthurt).

I see JJ watching Model, a wistful look in his eye. Its the look of love. I do believe he’s falling for her entitled bullshit.

Downstairs the party is getting out of control with all the drunken fools letting off fire extinguishers and spilling drinks anywhere. It’s just raucous fun but a disrespectful way to treat someone’s house. Finally one angry drunk guy smashes some glasses. There’s no responsible adults downstairs so Elmo sticks his head around the Hemingway door and asks me to sort it out. I call JJ and him for backup then eject this guy. He’s a typically modern puffter – all gym muscles, diet, couiffured hair, and absence of all masculinity. He takes his telling with a sullen look but doesn’t kick up a fuss. JJ is well boozy now so he elbows his way past me to be centre-stage in the ejection process, clearly spoiling for a fight. As the guy leaves he says something indistnguishable that maybe – if you try hard enough – you could twist into him calling JJ a cunt. So JJ kicks off and we have to hold him back.

By now everything is winding down. Dragon has fallen asleep on the floor after spouting lies about Alex – she preposterously claims that he took advantage of her the night before. Yes, a fat little 38-yr old single mom. I know Alex and I saw how desperate she was for sex so I know she’s full of shit. It sours my mood further against these girls. Only Girl A has not earned my ire. About an hour earlier Model tried to embarrass me in front of the whole suite by twisting something I’d told her. It was petty behaviour. Jimmy surreptitiously sends me a text: “We should be thinking about the foursome”

A note about JJ. He has the best calibration I’ve ever seen. He has this finely-tuned radar for knowing what a girl is thinking, what she’s up for, and when to make the move. He can’t even explain it properly but I’ve seen it many times. So when he sends that text I know its not merely aspirational thinking. I perk up. It’s his set, he knows what he’s doing, so I just follow his lead. I realise that if it’s on a plate I will happily fuck either girl.

The two of us are sitting on a sofa with Girl A stretched over us. Model is sitting on the floor with her back to us talking to someone else, I forget who. JJ starts verbally escalating Girl A while I physically escalate it. She giggle through all of it. Before long I’m rubbing her up. It’s on. JJ tells her to straddle him and Model looks over and realises what’s happening. It’s simply too much for her to resist. Whatever reservations she might have had about sex last night are subsumed by the thought of an orgy. She walks over and straddles me, I pull her tits out and then we are pawing at both girls. It only takes a minute or two for everyone to understand there’s 4-way consent so then we decamp to JJ’s room.

The mood is very different to the prior night. On the Friday I was the warm end of the pool, creating most of the fun, tooling the girls, and full of exhuberance. It was easy because we had a clear division of labour:

JJ = escalate and close Girl A. Krauser = build attraction with Model

But now it was all convoluted. JJ clearly wanted to fuck Model and now Girl A was showing more interest in me than him. There was a swap going on, yet we wanted dual threesomes (who ever really wants a second man in the room?). I’ll admit I was out of my depth. My only previous threesome had been far more structured where I was clearly top dog. Wing rules dictated I play second fiddle to JJ so I became quite subdued for a while. He knew what he was doing. He told the girls to make out and then took it from there. Throughout it all the vibe was fun, not sexy. We were all laughing the whole time. Once JJ and I joined in with the girls they made their choice clear – Girl A peeled off to me and signalled Model she could take JJ. We were all involved but the shift was perceptible.

I banged Girl A first, while JJ was necking on with Model next to me, and then he left the room so I could do Model and then fully threesome them. After an hour or so, by which time JJ was back in the room sipping his tea in an armchair, I turned the girls over to him and went to bed. A great night. There was more of the same the next day then they went home.

Learning points – The escalation worked like this:

• JJ runs the set in Oslo as normal, gets his target into him, takes contact details, maintains set over facebook until a physical meet is possible
• JJ closes target while I get other girl into me. At this point it’s just a normal set with no reason to suppose group sex
• When JJ closes his girl, a few things become clear. She’s locked down having had and enjoyed the sex so he tests the waters with a few statements to see how dirty she is and what she wants. She answers in ways suggesting she’s well into her sex games.
• Back in the party JJ confirms target also likes me and I escalate her. If nothing else there’s a hand-over of targets
• The crucial point is turning a handover into an orgy. We naturalise the idea, make the vibe playful and crazy, and then just lead, lead, lead
• Start the girls off kissing each other to get them heated up
• We give approval from “outside” then gradually help them with each other, touching them
• Finally the girls are so horny they pull us in and we are having two side-by-side couplings
• Then at last, one man leaves and the other man takes both girls

Pretty smooth sailing in the end.

I threesome my first early-20s Norwegian model and make-up artist

My first close of the year came 6 hours into 2012 and what a wild ride it was! Credit has to go to Jimmy Jambone for making this happen, in stark contrast to him piggy-backing my opening throughout 2011 with his parasite game. It all began in Norway a few months ago when Toe and I were sleeping peacefully in an Oslo hotel room when JJ comes barreling in at 4am, shitfaced and bawdry, two girls on his arms. See here.

It goes quiet then these girls pop back up on the radar when they’re coming to London. There’s gonna be JJ’s target (as yet unclosed), her unattractive little 38yr old single mum friend (dragon) and….. a London-based fashion model. JJ throws me a bone: “Can you wing me on this set and if the model goes for you, take her.” Let’s take a closer look at the girls

JJ's target, mine, and the dragon

Friday night rolls around and we meet the girls for a pint in Soho. JJ asks me how I’m gonna play it. I tell him the truth: “I really don’t give a fuck whether I get this model, so I’ll do straightforward Mystery Method. Ignore her, build value, and then gradually notice her as the night wears on.” It’s so easy to work a girl when you know the set is held all night. It was almost like social circle game – which barely counts as game it’s so easy. So I’ll be cocky, interesting, and pay most of my attention to my buddies. We know they are coming to our New Year’s Eve party the next night so we only need to do A1-C1 tonight.

Right from the off it goes well. We laugh and joke, I neg and tease the girls, and drop in the DHVs. I’m really indifferent to the outcome so obviously this gets the model engaged. She’s pawing me, qualifying and trying to get into the rat pack bubble JJ and I have. Then we bounce them to Camden where more of the rat pack is out drinking. The whole vibe is “fun night out”. Beer gets drunk. On the way there Model makes her move – we are standing in a aisle on the underground train when she whips out her phone saying “I want your number”. Then I race her to the last unoccupied seat (I win, obviously) so she jumps on my lap. “Oww! Jimmy! I can’t feel my legs. It’s like having a hippo on me” I wail. JJ winks. It’s on.

We stay out drinking till 3am and the shit tests start coming. She tries to get me to buy her drinks, she tries to pull me onto the dancefloor, and she opens three chodes and gets them to draw on her forearm. Obvious tests that I just ignore, turning to talk to my friends. I’m fully on douchebag by now, as always when I’m drunk. I really don’t care if I fuck her. I don’t even like her much – a clear low esteem games player. She sits next to me and says “you’re so cocky” (IOI) then stands up to gyrate next to me. I turn away. There’s a group of three young couples sitting across from us who are observing us because we are having so much fun and I’m literally batting this model away so I can talk to my friends. Our buddy Alex is doing a fine job occupying the dragon (who fancies me) to give us time to work. Funniest moment happens during the kiss close….

…I’m sitting back drinking when model starts pestering me to buy her a drink (I laugh in her face, JJ laughs, and she gets the hump). So she pours a little of my beer into her empty glass and dragon’s glass. No more than 1/4 of a pint. It’s a bantering gesture, that’s all. I protest loudly so she bends over and kisses me. A proper kiss. I let her have 2 seconds then push her out the way and grab my pint, lulling. She can’t believe it and turns her back to start gyrating her arse in my face. So I grab her glass and pour the beer back into my glass then fist-pump the air in victory and getting my beer back. All the boys are cackling. The group watching us is creasing up laughing. Then I pull model down onto my lap and we have a proper makeout.

JJ jokingly asks Alex if he’ll take one for the team with dragon and the colour drains from his swarthy features as he declines the offer. JJ’s bird is climbing all over him now so he decides to rush things along for the close. We take taxis back to Chateau RSG and retire to the Hemingway Suite for rum. Now Dragon makes her play for me and won’t leave me alone, which cools off Model (the two only met the day before through JJ’s girl). It’s looking bad because Dragon is clinging to me like a homesick turd. Alex comes in and distracts her so I can push model up against the door, makeout, then room-drag.

I’m lying in bed while model is topless and stripper-dancing to this.

I figure I’m ten minutes away from getting my jollies when it suddenly inexplicably goes south. She kneels down, licks my balls and then teases a blowjob that she won’t give. I try to pull down her jeans when she says “I’m on my period, we can’t have sex.” Even at this point I don’t really care. So after another five minutes of her not sucking my cock I roll over and go to sleep. She keeps her jeans on all night next to me. Whatever. I strike her off my list.

So what happens the next evening is a big surprise…. Part Two soon.

I bang my first 19 year old Norwegian dancer

This was notable mainly for the speed with which I whizzed through my SDL model. Before we get into the nitty-gritty be advised that SDLs are nothing special. Banging a girl before the sun sets on the day you met her is just an ego thing – it really shouldn’t matter whether you close her then or a couple of weeks down the line. It’s also virtually impossible to SDL an eight or better – high value girls just don’t do these things. But just for a moment accept that you are trawling for sevens / sixes to get your end away before sundown, even then to pull off an SDL you are relying on all the planets aligning. Specifically:

• She’s easy
• She’s disoriented
• She’s at the right time of her cycle
• She’s single or otherwise not locked down by another man
• She’s got nothing better to do today
• She’s taken an immediate sexual liking to you

If you can recognise these factors then you can start thinking there’s an SDL in the offing. My personal recommendation is to go out looking for girls you really like and run your normal A-game (idate, rapport, phone number, day 2, kiss, day 3, sex) and don’t think about SDLs unless the opportunity knocks. So…. onto this one…..

Team Krauser had just arrived in Oslo late the night before. It’s Saturday lunchtime now and we want to hit day game so we head to Karl Johanns Gate, a main pedestrain shopping area. Just as we step onto it I’m waiting at traffic lights when I notice a cute girl next to me. First open of the day, I go in light telling her she looks nice but incongruous. She responds great and hooks immediately.

I notice a nose piercing and think “she’s easy”. First box is ticked but I’m not thinking SDL yet. I bounce her across the road and onto the patio seats of a cafe then commence the usual attraction and rapport material. She tells me she’s just ambling around shopping (“nothing better to do”) and just moved to Oslo a few weeks ago and just moved into a new flatshare. She doesn’t know many people here (“she’s disoriented”). There’s no mention of boyfriends (“She’s single”). I sense the planets aligning.

With me having no idea what bars are good I get her to suggest one nearby that is in the direction of my hotel. As you’ll see in the video interview she’d already decided she wanted me to fuck her while in the cafe, but I didn’t know this yet. We sit in some dark metalhead bar and do more rapport. I seed the idea of gin & tonics next. She’s presenting no obstacles and showing no signs of leaving, which signals full steam ahead. No kino yet – I wanted to do zero before the bedroom just for the lulz.

After a drink I start walking her the ten minutes towards my hotel and begin occupying her forebrain and giving the pretext of we are looking for a supermarket that has tonic water and lemons. About halfway there she asks “where are we drinking them?” and I tell her “my hotel.” She shrugs acceptance which means it’s on like Donkey Kong and only bad luck or incompetence will prevent the close. It’s at the supermarket that the video begins.

It's on

I get her into my room and release the pressure by slow movements, not hounding her, letting her check her mails while I mix drinks etc. Soon we are lying next to each other on the bed. I let the chat go for ten minutes and finally work kino to pull her in. First two times she resists but doesn’t backtrack. Third time is the charm and she’s naked within two minutes. While I’m doing her in the arse I get an interview for the camera – some snippets of which are on the video. Two hours from street to bed. I regain F-Town.

Learning points.

• Don’t try to force an SDL or you’ll burn too many sets. But be aware of when conditions are ripe
• Girls make up their mind to fuck you very early sometimes. After that it’s about just taking off the handbrake and freewheeling downhill without crashing
• Lead, lead, lead.

Postscript: Once I was done, Helmut and Toe came up to our shared room and I tried to pass her on to them for a threesome. We concocted a lame pretext for me to leave the room to get more food from the 7/11. I told Toe to text me when it was safe to return. Ten minutes later I get the text…. “She’s just punched Helmut. I think you can come back now”

I bang my third 20-something Romanian student

Aside from vampires and gypsies, Romania’s biggest export is girls up for fucking British guys. My first post-game girlfriend was from there, as was my first free blowjob from a whore, and my first foursome. Now this young lady.

It began as a quickie ten-minute street number close as a demo set for students while I was doing one of Andy’s bootcamps. She hooked hard but you just never know so I was pleased when the text game struck home and she was obviously keen to meet. That was a Sunday and the following Friday afternoon we meet for an English tea. The closing bait I’m using these days with foreigners is to ask if they could be an English lady and drink proper tea from proper china cups because I know a great tea shop. She buys into the roleplay.

Proper tea in a proper china cup

I’d decided to follow a hybrid Day 2 model of Rocky, Torero, Jambone and myself. It went like this….

Location One – Tea Shop

This is all about building comfort. We sat face-to-face and just chatted about usual get to know each other chit chat while I focused on solid body language and tried not to talk too much. She was giving good keen eye contact and investing plenty so it felt on. I didn’t do any kino or verbal escalation. The conversation was focused on how it felt living in England and the differences to her home country. After we’d finished our pot of tea I led her 200m away to a nearby cheap pub

Location Two – Pub with alcohol

Now I wanted to start putting booze down her neck to loosen the vibe and get her sitting next to me to test light kino (mainly just seeing how close she was comfortable positioning her body relative to mine). She’s a highly educated girl so good for Intellectual Mastery. At one point I thought I’d overdone it and killed the vibe but then I started to notice the looks she was giving me and the long pauses as her mind scrambled to unpack what I’d said. That’s when I realised she was doing the “who is this guy?” double-take and my contrast game was hitting. We had one pint and time for more leading. As a side note – we never double-backed on ourselves in the location changes. It was always progressing in one direction.

Location Three – Softer vibe

I take her in to my favourite member’s bar which has dark leather sofas and mellow jazz. It’s a great DHV in and of itself and it was hear I started dropping the big-time DHV stories. In particular I did the “financial and geographical freedom” spiel and flipped all the attraction triggers with stories about my nephews and friends. I’d been hoping to kiss close here but the waiter put us in separate lounge chairs rather than the sofa so it was physically impossible. This necessitated adding in a fourth venue when I’d have rather extracted from the third.

Location Four – Bar with good atmosphere

I went for the kiss as we walked to the next bar, making a bold move on the pavement. She turned her head away but stayed close in. That’s all I needed to know it was on. We went into the basement of a cool Spanish bar for another pint and made out. At this point I still felt like the bedroom close would have to wait for another date but things progressed faster than I expected. I put her into the domincance kino position and she snuggled up nicely and when it was time to move on I did a test with the stone

The Stone: Take a girl’s hand and say “this is how you make me feel”. Then put her hand on your boner

Torero has long told me that when in doubt get your cock out. It can change a no into a yes and when this chick kept her hand on it and started rubbing I thought “ok, that’s the It’s On Moment” and I pulled her outside and bundled her into a waiting taxi.

Her: Where are we going?

Me: Disneyland

I distracted her forebrain for a while and when she asked if we’re headed to my place I said yes. She nodded and accepted the inevitable. Credit to Tom for his bold extraction routine. Once we got back to Chateau RSG half the gang were getting shitfaced on imported vodka in Jambone’s room. Big Toe loaned me the cash for the cab and then as I walked in to say hello they all held up hand-drawn scorecards rating my girl a seven. Accurate.

My magic castle. Now with added Hard and Soft dominance

Rather than risk her cooling down joining the party I put her in my room and told her no shoes on my carpet. Then five minutes letting her mess around on my laptop and I pounced. A great lay. Then we dressed, joined the party and we began the handover to Jambone.

I bang my first 22 yr old Canadian stripper

I nearly fucked this one up many times and it was hard work. I was out a couple of months ago along Oxford Street and having a so-so day. There’d been a couple of instant dates but nothing really sticking so I decide to take a time-out in Wasabi to eat some cheap tofu curry. As I leave a curvy Polish-looking chick in a tight black figure-hugging t-shirt and skirt rolls past. She’s got the archetypal stripper’s body with curves all over and massive false tits (DD, she tells me later). So I open and she’s really low energy and sultry.

I wonder why she attracts so many stares

Within two minutes we are talking sexual when I ask her if she’s seen any girls today with a better rack than her. So we stand side by side checking out other girls on the street to see if anyone fits the bill. Once I’m sure of the hook I walk her to the nearest bar. It’s beautifully located and full of homos. We sit down in a corner by the toilets (yes, you guessed my intent). She’s strangely quiet and softly spoken like she’s smouldering with sexual energy. I verbally escalate hard by telling stories of fucking, showing her dirty text message exchanges and soon her hand is on my cock. She tells me she’s married and shows me her ring.

Woah. Hold the phone. What?

Something doesn’t ring true (see what I did there? see what I did?) so I keep going and when she hits sexual state I try to drag her into the toilets. No go. After the second drink she wants to go home and I let her go. We chat on Skype that evening and I keep verbally escalating. Probably a mistake to overdo it but she’s playing along.

A few days later we have the Day 2 and she’s quiet, weirdly reserved but I figure if she came out she must be attracted. Kino is awkward and she says it’s “inappropriate” when I kiss close her in the bar. Day 3 is horrible because she’s got a migraine so we barely exchange words for an hour and I just practice subcommunication to keep myself entertained. More Skype and she sends me pictures of her tits in a new bra. It’s all a bit weird. She’s clearly a low-esteem girl and admits as much. She also comes clean and says the “I’m married” ring thing is just a ploy to stop guys opening her, which she claims happens loads.

Finally I have a head-to-head with Tom Torero to figure out what I should do on Day 4. His advice is simple – push push push until I either fuck her or she storms out. I meet her at Baker Street and before she’s even arrived the tour bus chode has opened her and is knuckle-dragging at her heels so I have to dismiss him before I take her to the park. It’s as we walk around the park I get an eye-opening sight: every single guy is checking her out. And I mean every single one. Joggers, cyclists, husbands taking kids for a walk – everyone. It’s no exaggeration to say over 100 guys blatantly wanted to fuck her within half an hour’s walk. This girl must live in a strange reality.

I run lots of comfort, no kino, then an hour in go for another kiss. She literally fights me off, so I hold her down hard and she relents. She tells me it was inappropriate to do that in public. On Skype before Day 2 I’d told her in the pub idate I’d wanted to just grab her hair, drag her to her knees and stuff my cock in her mouth. Her response had been “that’s so hot!”. It was obvious this girl was gonna put up strong token resistence. I take her to a pub and she spends a while telling me I’m not gonna fuck her and she agrees to come back to my house (but she’s not gonna have sex with me). I parade her past the boys to approving nods. Especially those tits. Damn, what a pair! Upstairs we have a little vodka and I pounce.

As expected she’s resisting plenty. So I keep letting go and giving her an out, which she never takes. She never gives me “no” or “stop”. It’s always variations of “this is so inappropriate” or “you shouldn’t be doing this to me” before re-escalating me. Before long I’ve got my cock between her bare tits, which is a bigger win than fucking her in this case. Then I pull her remaining clothes off and fuck her. It’s a mediocre fuck but a joyous sight to look down at the quality of body I’m fucking.

Good grief, what a pair!

Then she gets all buyers remorsey and wants to leave. She calms down when she realises I’m not trying to pump’n'dump (she’s low esteem, remember) so I keep her around another hour. We are still in contact but it’s proving difficult to get an encore. Strange girl.

Learning points

• Be very careful about over-escalating early if the SDL isn’t on
• Some girls will tell you they need to be taken roughly, then you can do so
• But when going in hard, always leave her “outs” so she knows she can actually get away if she wants to
• Girls with huge fake tits are usually low esteem. That’s why they get them, and the tits just exacerbate their problems.
• You get strong intent when you go into a date deciding “either I fuck her or burn the set”

I bang my first 28yr old Italian hand-me-down

I’ll admit this girl was below my usual standard. I’ve never been one for bottom-feeding (even pre-game) and after this one I’ve decided I’ll have nothing to do with any girls below a seven, and only drop below eight if it’s easy. This was really easy.

Regular readers will remember my Spanish flag who I passed on to Big Toe. After the fat man closed her I suddenly had an idea, like connecting dots between the elusive and the obvious – I didn’t just do my friend a good turn but I did her one too. She really liked him. So next time she shows up on chat it goes something like this (to paraphrase):

• Me: Big Toe is pretty cool isn’t he
• Her: He is. Much cooler than you
• Me: You realise that you owe me a girl now, don’t you
• Her: Yes
• Me: So start looking. Who is suitable and single?
• Her: I don’t know any. All the single girls I know who want sex are in Spain
• Me: Keep looking

About a week later she suggests her Chinese and Italian flatmates and sends sample photos. Neither is a sight to behold but of the two the eye-tie is kinda my type. Sunday evening rolls around and Spaniard wants to meet Toe. I tell her to bring her friends and I’ll show up. We manage to rouse JJ too. However the plan for a 3-on-3 date is scuppered when I get an unexpected text from Russian Catwalk Model wanting to meet for an afternoon coffee. Hmmmm. I don’t have an Italian flag but RCM is a full 4 points higher on the scale.

It's a flag

After five hours of coffee, beer and food with RCM I roll up late to the 3-on-3 with her on my arm. We’ll call that preselection, shall we? My team falls into wing rules, DHVing me a little before my arrival and then letting me lead the conversation. RCM is shooting daggers at the three hussies while Italian is IOIing plenty. Last orders soon arrives and I go home with RCM, recording this audio before I bang her one last time.

It’s easy to put Italian on facebook the next day and run some light chat before taking her out for a date. It’s freewheeling downhill with no effort – I just lead her with a few pubs, run comfort, and sound her out on sex. Her and Spaniard had already done the private girl-talk about fuck buddies so there wasn’t much for me to do. I could sense Italian really felt out of her depth because she qualified hard and was constantly fishing for reasons why I’d bother talking to her. Then she suddenly puts her drink down and gives me The Speech:

“Ok, I’ll be honest. I want to have sex with you. Not tonight, I can’t for a week or two, but I will. If we both like it then great. If not, that’s ok.”

I nod, take her to Primrose Hill (scene of an earlier special moment) and she sucks my cock till I come in her face. Then we go our separate ways. A week later I meet her for a quick drink while I’m out with Tom – already planning the hand-off – and finally we set up a date for her to come round to my house. I do her rationalisation hamster the polite service of plying drinks down her neck and an hour of conversation before taking her upstairs for a fuck.

She’s a good performer but just not hot enough. After busting a nut it’s a chore to keep her around. She’s pawing at my cock all night and finally I grudgingly sympathy-fuck her in the morning. Haven’t seen her since. Learning points?

• Don’t fuck girls when you know that the moment you bust a nut you want rid of them. It’s bad for the inner game
• Girls are surprisingly logical and premeditated about sex when your value far exceeds theirs
• Even easy girls require a bit of coaxing and conversation if you want to leave them feeling ok afterwards

I bang my first 18 year old Estonian girl. Anally.

It’s the second full day of Big Toe and I’s jaunt to Estonia. We’ve been ripping it up in daygame pushing for bouncebacks and flagrant sexual propositioning. Not the type of solid game I’d usually recommend but sometimes you want to push the envelope on a specific part of your game. We are doing more of the same in nightgame with rapid escalation. So we’re pumped. On the way to the bar I see a slutty-looking 2-set stroll by. Young girls with curvy figures and ripped-up punky clothes. Me and Toe exchange glances. “Let’s just blatantly hit on them for sex” I say and we run after them. They crack open easily.

“Hey girls. We were just over there when you walked by and we literally just saw you. Me and my friend here, we are on holiday in Estonia. We’re about to go drinking but we’re a bit tense. We thought that if we can find a couple of girls, take them home right now, and fuck them… then we’d relax and have a better night”

The girls are dumbfounded – a huge adrenalin spike wobbles their legs and they are hooked strong deer-in-headlights style. We keep ploughing and they realise we aren’t backing down and actually intend to bounce them 50m down the road to our apartment. They start to get turned on. The little redhead is in sexual state and would’ve done it right away but her brunette friend is more resistant. We spend a while telling them exactly how we’ll fuck them and occasionally slip into playful teasing and state raising. Finally we decide the girls aren’t up for it right now but might later, when left to chew it over in their minds. So I number close the redhead telling her “we’re going drinking now. We’ll swap numbers and then later if you get horny and fancy some great rough sex, let me know”

like this, but with another 5kg

Then we go out to a shisha bar to meet Toe’s date (a stunning 21yo ’9′) and her friend. We plan to go to a good club that we’ve been recommended, where one of my girls from the prior night is waiting for me to show up. Then I start swapping texts with redhead. It’s a boring exchange but just note how it is purely logistics. This girl had been given no comfort at all – just a five minute attraction set and even that was basically just intent, with little finesse:

• Me 1:08am: We are smoking shisha at delaguardia. What you doing?
• Her 1:17am: Sitting right here, outside at O’Malleys
• Me 1:19am: We are at Delaguardia, at the shisha place. Come join us
• Me 1:34am: We are going to Club Privee
• Her 1:44am: We were just about to come up to delaguardia but ok
• Me 1:44am: Club Privee!!! Join the party!
• Her 1:45am: It costs too much
• Me 1:46am: Boo! Come outside the club and we’ll find you
• Her 1:58am: We’re pretty much near here right now, what next?
• Me 2:00am: One minute, gonna see if they let me outside
• Me 2:02am: They say I can’t go out. Can you come in?
• Her 2:04am: I don’t have enough money with me at the moment
• Me 2:05am: It’s 7 euro. I’ll pay that if you promise to 1. Laugh at my jokes and 2. Treat me like a super hero. Deal?
• Her 2:08am: Haha, would be a deal, but what about my friend, i cant leave her alone
• Me 2:09am: Ok, both of you BUT…. you must be our slaves. ok?
• Her 2:18am: Hahah well… We’ll see about that. But we’ll be there in a few minutes.
• Me 2:20am: Ok, we are on the right, upstairs. Surprise is
• Her 2:22am: Guess I’m coming alone* but you have to come to the door to pay you know.
• Me 2:24am: Wait. 1 min
• Her 2:25am: I’m not there yet, chill
• Me 2:26am: Fucking hell woman, I just walked down the stairs! It was a good song. Text me when you are at the door
• Her 2:31am: Im at the door.

So I make my decision. I’ve only been in the club half an hour helping Toe raise state and be independent of his target, and the 19 yr old virgin I kissed the night before is somewhere in the club but hasn’t found me yet. A classic bird-in-the-hand / two-in-the-bush scenario. I go downstairs to check out my girl.

She’s up for it. So I ditch the club and just start walking her to my place. It takes ten minutes and I finally run comfort comfort comfort while engaging her logical mind. Once inside the apartment I tell her shoes off (“the wood floor is too clean”) and walk her to the bedroom to watch youtube videos. She lies next to me and then I roll over and close her.

Note: the interview / sexual fantasies thing begins about the seven minute mark

I get the expected token LMR which is easily defeated by intent (and some fingering). I give her some dirty talk and take her anal virginity, which she fucking loves. All the usual despicable depravity and by then Toe is home, sleeping on the couch. So naturally I try to pass her on. I reframe her on her attitudes to sex, DHV Toe, and push quite hard to get her to go into the lounge to fuck him. She’s considering it but it’s just a bit too weird for her. A few days later I booty call her and she walks 5 miles through the worst part of town in her heels to receive the Krausercock. She tells me she doesn’t understand why she did it.