#51 – History Of My Life (vol.1), Casanova BOOK REVIEW

June 14, 2018
krauserpua

Casanova is one of those characters who looms large in cultural history even though most people are not really familiar with the detail [1]. He is “that dude who wrote about all the women he banged” [2]. It’s quite inexplicable that I’d be in the game nine years and read books from many Modern Casanova writers without ever going back to the original, especially as his epic memoir series is, to quote some guy on the back cover of my edition, “rightly called the most interesting memoirs ever written. Indeed, Rousseau, Stendhal, even Augustine, must take their proper place, a half step behind this greatest of storytellers.”

Casanova

But a few volumes lower

A few years ago my mate from Wales said he’d read all twelve volumes and recommended I do the same. That seemed a bit much so I tracked down the Folio Society abridged edition which contained just five select chapters. It was a bit shit.

I checked online and found out there have been several translations. The first heavily edited and messed with the manuscript and then later translations were bowdlerised to remove all the juicy bits. Finally in 1961, Willard R. Trask produced the definitive translation from the original French manuscript, without censors. It was released in six double-volumes, of which the Folio Society version was a small taster.

memoirs-of-casanova-folio-society

Looked great, but read shit

Based on that version I assumed it was all flowery bullshit and ignored it. Then this year, as my own memoir passed the four-volume mark, I got curious again. As solipsistic as ever, I wondered how does my memoir stack up against old Casanova’s? It turns out that one of my volumes is approximately as long as two of his. If I was to write six of mine, I’d get 160+ lays compared to his 132 [3]. Given that what I’d read of his memoir was shite, I figured I could do better [4]

So I bought the first of the double volumes and started reading. I just finished the first half – i.e. the first volume of twelve – and……. well, I’m rather impressed. It was really good. Far better than the abridged version lead me to believe. So good that I’m gonna have to really raise my writing game if I want to beat it.

The biggest surprise is that in the 328 pages I read, he only describes three sexual conquests. The vast majority of the book has nothing to do with chasing skirt. It begins with his earliest memory of being sent off to a ratty boarding house in Padua as a young boy, then his mentor raising him for life as a churchman in Venice, and then his teenage years being sent hither and thither as his travelling actress mother arranged different guardians to look after him. By the time this volume ends, when he’s about twenty, this is some of what has happened:

  • Imprisoned in a fortress in a squabble over debts, where he befriends the governor.
  • Sneaks out of said fortress after establishing an alibi then coshes his enemy and dumps him in a canal. He gets away with the attempted murder.
  • Walks between Italian cities with a roguish travelling priest. One night they are jumped by two horny MILFs and their uncle and beat them possibly to death with a cane.
  • Accepts a bishop’s position in a poverty-stricken country seat and almost immediately bails on it to find a better one in Rome.
  • Becomes mates with the Pope and a senior Cardinal.
  • Run out of Rome for harbouring a female fugitive, his French teacher, who was caught trying to elope with a nobleman’s son.
  • Witnessed an exorcism of his guardian’s daughter.

That’s what I liked most about this volume, that Casanova takes care to tell a well-rounded story covering highlights in his life in all themes. The whole time it progresses naturally and I felt I was getting to know his character and what events shaped it.

Casanova portrait

“Did you see the fight outside?”

As to the birds?

Perhaps some of my readers are more familiar with 1740s Italian culture than myself. His stories all seem rather far-fetched. If readers from the year 2300 were to read a memoir written by RVF’s notorious fantasist G-Manifesto, they’d probably have a similar reaction to mine in reading Casanova’s sexual conquests. These are some of what he describes:

  • He loses his virginity in a threesome to two sisters when aged 15. He’d known them a month or so because they were in the same embroidery club as a girl he was chasing. Through chasing her, they became interested in him. In a late-night assignation between all three girls, the target leaves and Casanova sleeps between the two sisters in the same bed. He touches up the first sister and bangs her while she pretends to be asleep, then touches up the second and repeats the feat. They then have threesomes.
  • He next bangs a girl he met in a horse-drawn carriage with her husband. They travel together a while and he contrives to share a carriage with just the woman, which then gets diverted from the others in a storm. He forcefully tries to fuck her and when she says no, he threatens that if she keeps making a noise in fighting him off the horseman will notice and assume she’d put out anyway. So she says ok.
  • He had another threesome. I forget the details but he’s banging on girl on the regular and her virginal sister disapproves. He bangs the regular in the same bed and the other one gets so turned on he fucks her too.

So, four of his five first notches came in threesomes. Okay……

There’s also a scene where he’s locked up in quarantine in a first floor apartment with a balcony overlooking a courtyard. A middle-eastern merchant has the ground floor quarantine quarters where he’s accompanied by a pretty Greek girl who sits at the window reading. Casanova drops a letter to her that says words to the effect of “I just noticed you and think you look quite nice. Come meet me under my balcony at midnight”.

venice

Image courtesy of Ye Olde Daygame Trip .com

So she does. The next evening he pulls up the floorboards (his guard seems not to notice) and feels her tits. She manages to get her torso through the whole but not enough he can fuck her. It all seems a bit, well, like a tall story. Like those PUA stories of opening massive mixed sets, fighting off AMOGs, bouncing five venues, and…. blah blah.

Anyway, I’m forming some opinions on Casanova’s character that I’ll test over the next volume. For now, I’ll discipline myself to take what he says at face value so that I can better enjoy the book. It might just be that 1740s Italy really were so libertine. I’m very much interested to read volume two because I’m enjoying his style and the stories really are interesting.

If you’ve like to see a six double-volume modern casanova memoir then be sure to buy Younger Hotter Tighter when I release it later this summer.

[1] Like Batman, or Godzilla, or Tarzan
[2] It must be weird to live in a time when there was only one such guy.
[3] I haven’t counted them myself, I just vaguely remembering hearing that number.
[4] Regular readers are quite familiar with my hubris.

#50 – The Countess Of Monte Cristo (vol. 1), Alexandre Dumas BOOK REVIEW

June 12, 2018
krauserpua

Obviously this isn’t written by Dumas, it’s merely credited to him to help sell the thing. I have a Forgotten Books reprint of the 1890s edition that was part of the “complete” works of Dumas released in thirty volumes.

Dumas book

So, it’s not by Dumas, and his actual works are 81 novels. Not the most authoritative series then….. Still, I find there to be something alluring in digging up lost books that likely nobody has actually read in years. I could’ve easily invested the same amount of time reading an actual Dumas novel, and it would’ve no doubt been a vastly superior tome and yet…. I wanted to see how these chancers would try to spin the Monte Cristo legacy. I wanted to read the Street Hustle version of The Count Of Monte Cristo.

As expected, it was a bit shit.

Nonetheless, I raced through The Countess Of Monte Cristo in less than 24 hours even though it is a solid 374 pages. Just like The Son Of Monte Cristo before it, this is paced at break-neck, far faster than the (himself fast-moving) Dumas original. The prose style maintains the flowery manner of Dumas but lacks the sharpness and rigour. Whereas the old master will often write long paragraphs dressing the scenery and characters, this one spends only a couple of sentences.

THE COUNTESS OF MONTE CRISTO, Olga San Juan, Arthur Treacher, Dorothy Hart (left), Sonja Henie, Mich

The award for Least Faithful Adaptation goes to….

The story goes as follows [1]: A rich old man is dying in his castle adjoining a factory and his small family and retinue are collected around. A plot is afoot as four conspirators [2], all servants, have him and his legitimate heir murdered then frame his wife (who re-emerges as the Countess). A young stable boy escapes with the secret to a buried family treasure nearby and has made a solemn promise to the faithful manservant of the Count to spend it getting revenge on the treacherous quartet. So ends the long prologue.

Twenty years later in Paris everyone is under new names. The quartet have used ill-gotten gains from the murders to enter high society. The stable boy comes in as a dashing nobleman, working with a mysterious Countess who is the talk of Society. All kinds of machinations follow as the Countess tries to outwit the quartet, save their latest victims, and take revenge for the age old murders.

french-chateau-lawn-sunny-day

I imagined one of these was in there

Thematically, it’s the same as the Dumas original: a betrayal, a hidden treasure, and a re-emergence as mysterious nobility to execute a plan of righteous vengeance. Stylistically, it tries to do the same thing too. But…

It’s just not very good.

The book whizzes by fast enough but in a few chapters it bogs down and it becomes obvious the lack of craft in it’s construction. In that sense, it’s a bit like slowing your car down in GTA V to pay attention to the textures.

I like old books because they present a different world view in simple things how the writer assumes knowledge or opinions in the reader. The dialogue in this one is excessively effusive and romanticised, with even street urchins orating like a philosopher on an Athenian town square. Reading this book felt like finding an old photo album in a musty old attic, giving a picture on how a few long-dead families lived.

I have absolutely no reason to recommend this book. Think of all the Game Of Thrones or 50 Shades Of Grey rip-off me-too books on the shelves of today’s bookstores. This is just an 1800s version of that. I admire this writer’s hustle but he just doesn’t have the original thinking, skilful construction, or lively prose style to say he’s reached Dumas’ level of mastery [3]

If you’d like to read fast-paced adventure stories full of heroes and villains, and even a brief section in Paris, you might like to try my memoirs.

[1] I think, it’s not entirely clear at times because all the characters resurface under new names and the book deliberately makes the reader guess who they are meant to be.
[2] Not Jews, by the way.
[3] The quality gap is large. Infinite, even. [4]
[4] Perhaps that metaphor was overkill.

#49 – Front Line Theatre, Heinz Konsalik BOOK REVIEW

June 12, 2018
krauserpua

Konsalik Front Line Theatre

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the title of this WWII book? Perhaps that the theatre of war it concerns is on the front line of the Eastern Front? Or maybe you look at the red cross markings on the soldier prominently positioned on the cover and think it may describe a medical theatre and thus focus on medics?

I certainly did.

But would you think this book is, in a very literal sense, about a theatre on the front line? I mean the normal use of the word “theatre” as the place where primadonnas and faggots mince around on stage in front of an audience too la-di-da to go to the cinema. Yep, this book is about a touring theatre troupe sent into Russia.

I was a little disappointed. It’s like an episode of Eastenders, with background artillery noise. There’s not any actual battle scenes until about page 130, of a 179-page book. For all that, I still enjoyed it. Konsalik is up to his usual tricks in presenting a sweeping narrative from multiple locations in which various story-threads entwine until there’s a big fat knot at the end where they all end in the same place: in this case, in a small Russian village attacked by partisans ahead of the Russian advance.

building-bridge

Urahhhhhh!!!!

It’s all very obvious and strikes predictable notes: the effeminate idealistic concert pianist who volunteered is blown up by a bomb and his hands ripped off, the wide-eyed teenage girl gets pregnant and finds love with a young soldier but they each believe the other dead in the fog of war, the fat sweaty Nazi functionary is a villain who abuses his position to creep on actresses, and the Soviet partisans are wild-eyed wolves pitilessly torturing anyone they find. All the WWII trash novel tropes are in here.

So, I enjoyed it.

I finished it today and by coincidence caught Vox’s latest Darkstream “I was wrong about Hitler”. It makes for a nice segue. A couple of years ago, a commentor here [1] directed me to Victor Suvorov’s book The Chief Culprit, whose thesis is that Stalin started WWII by baiting Hitler into invading Poland, so Britain and France would declare war. The USSR would roll up the weakened victors and take over Western Europe [2]. I bought the book and read the first half, fascinated by the idea.

It seemed to fit some anomalies I’d noticed, such as Guderian talking about military exercises teaching the Soviets blitzkrieg pre-war, about Stalin’s meddling in the Spanish Civil War against both the anarchists and the fascists (yet being harsher on the former), and his unusual (apparent) activity in the early war years.

Panzer Tactics DS

My WW2 wargaming is hardly Advanced Squad Leader

So I read Suvorov but felt I wasn’t in a position to judge his work. I lacked the necessary wide-reading in the Eastern Front [3] to judge whether Suvorov was fairly selecting and interpreting his evidence, or if it was a big spin job to make a name for himself on the back of persuasive bullshit [4]. I’d also read a good bit of The Wages Of Destruction a few years earlier which argued the Nazi economy was nowhere near as strong as legend has it and that Hitler had been pushed into war to revive flagging German fortunes. My mind was at least open to the idea that Hitler wasn’t the wildly aggressive leader he’d been painted as but that key strategic decisions may have been a result of choosing between poor options rather than being head of a dominant economy and army full of super soldiers.

I remember these key items that Suvorov provided evidence for to support his thesis:

  • Russia had the world’s first long-range strategic bombers but Stalin repeatedly cancelled orders to build them because they are only useful in defence. When you intend to conquer a city you don’t want to flatten it or you destroy your own prize.
  • Stalin instead built up lots of fast light fighter-bombers that are designed to take out defensive emplacements to clear the way for a ground invasion.
  • All Soviet forces were lined up in attack formations on the border with little defensive fortification
  • USSR took lots of military training from Germany in the 1930s including the emerging blitzkrieg ideas.
  • Stalin meddled in the 1933 election, getting the Communist Party to support the Nazis in order to keep out the Social Democrats, because the latter were less likely to start the war he wanted.

There’s more, I forget most of it because I was rather overwhelmed with detail. So, I parked his thesis as “interesting and likely true” but held it in mental quarantine until I knew more. This did not stop me adding it into my Jewish Question stack that I started using with girls on dates in 2015/16.

Yes, I would rail against Jews on dates in 2015 (in 2016 I swapped it out for my “Trump is greater than Alexander” stack). It was based on the Hitler Was Right idea and went roughly as follows:

“The main problem with the Final Solution is that it was not sufficiently final. There were two holocausts, one real and one fake. The real one was in Eastern Europe following Operation Barbarossa and it consisted of reserve battalions following the German advance. They’d roll up into a village, round up all the Jews, walk them into the forest and machine gun them into a mass grave. Done and dusted in one afternoon.”
“But Schindler’s List…” says the girl.
“It’s a Jew movie. Imagine for a minute you’re Hitler and you really want to exterminate Jews. You control the world’s greatest army and head the most efficient people who’ve ever lived. Say one of your subordinates presents you with this idea…. Let’s round up all the Jews and send them by train to different camps around Germany and Poland. We’ll feed them for several years, then on a whim push them into small shower rooms and use a weird gas to kill them, then burn them in ovens barely big enough to cook a modern pizza. That’s ridiculous. Plus there’s so little evidence the ‘death camps’ were anything more than ‘work camps’ or ‘internment camps’ that suffered the same malnutrition, outbreaks, and squalor as the rest of Germany towards the end of the war.”

At this point the girls are usually giving rapt attention just because of how unexpected the thesis is, so I followed it up with this…

“Germany had won WWI by 1916 but then the International Zionists met with the British War Council in London and promised to use their influence to get the USA into the war if Britain supported their claim to create Israel in Palestine. Obviously the British agreed, as it was something for nothing. USA came in, and WWI went on twice as long as it should have and the victor was changed. That’s a few million white Christians killed due to Jew tricks.”
“Then the Versailles Treaty wrecks Germany in order to force Germany to pay reparations to France and the UK, who use the money to repay loans to Jew bankers in the USA. The treaty was like the AIG bailout in 2008 that was really about covering Goldman Sachs who held the winning end of the trades with AIG. That’s an old Jew trick.”
“The result is the Jews got their money back and Germany hyper-inflated the currency to cover reparations. That destroyed all asset values in Germany, allowing the Jews to buy up all the industries and lock down the professions in the 1920s. They then blackballed ethnic Germans out of all economic opportunities. The late 1920s were a time of Jewish depredation and preying on German women, much like Hollywood and Manhattan today.”
“At the same time, the Jewish Bolsheviks had taken over Russia, the leaders Lenin and Trotsky facilitated by New York Jews. Almost 80% of the Politburo was Jewish. The Russian Revolution is best understood as a Jewish attack on Russia, with Russians as the victims. So, Lenin immediately begins agitating for a communist revolution in Germany, which is already in desperate straits. Terrorist attacks, uprisings, commie agit-prop. They are trying to destroy Germany.”
“Finally in 1933 the Nazis take over and quite politely begin unwinding the Jewish interference. So, in 1934 International Zionism literally declares war on Germany – you can find front page headlines of it on the internet. Germany’s already ruined economy loses another 20% GDP. Then in the mid-1930s the Jew Bolsheviks genocide ten million white Christians in Ukraine in the Holomodor.”
“The WWII kicks off in 1939 and Germany has incredible success that shocks even their own High Command. Guderian’s memoir even says they kept telling him to slow down. Then in 1941 they realise Stalin is amassing forces on the USSR’s western border, to attack Germany.”
“So, think of it this way…. starting in 1916 there have been 25 years of Jewish attacks on Germany, mostly successful. They made Germany lose a war they’d won, bankrupted the country, destroyed the currency, urged revolution, stolen the industry. They’d already murdered well over ten million white Christians, declared war, and were now amassing a massive army for invasion.”
“Really, in the circumstances, after 25 years of intense provocation, I think the Holocaust was little more than a mild overreaction by the Nazis. If anything, the Jews owe us at least 4 million more lives.”

Anyway, I don’t know how much of that is fair but it made for fun dates. It interests me that Vox Day – a man with vastly more military knowledge than myself – has just read The Chief Culprit and declares himself mostly convinced by the thesis that Stalin started WWII and intended to invade Western Europe [5]

Reading all these WWII novels written from the German perspective is making me increasingly sympathetic to the Nazi side. If only they weren’t so damn socialist. Churchill famously declared after WWII ended that “we butchered the wrong pig.”

If you’d like more anti-Jew rants I’m afraid you’ll find very little of it in my books. They are all about shagging hot white girls for free, which Jews appear to be unable to do without a casting couch or cocaine.

[1] I forget who. A pat on the back to you all the same, sir
[2] It turns out their funding of Western academia, unions, politicians, and feminists was far more successful in making Europe communist.
[3] Sven Hassel novels aside, which are hardly a documentary record
[4] Seeing as I’m part of the PUA industry and have a background in financial services, you can imagine I’ve been the victim of persuasive bullshit in my time and become quite suspicious.
[5] Stalin wasn’t a Jew but he married one and filled his Politburo with them.

#48 – The Mongol Conquests, Time Life BOOK REVIEW

June 3, 2018
krauserpua

The prize for dirtiest cunts in history is claimed, without shadow of a doubt, by the Mongols. For about three hundred years up until 1400 they ravaged an entire continent from the Pacific in the east to the Mediterranean to the west. All they did was kill. It’s really quite eye-opening.

John Brenna

A different dirty Muslim anti-Western cunt, yesterday

They started out as nomadic herders on the steppes of northern Asia and although many such tribes would cause havoc, it was the Mongols who reigned supreme thanks to the military genius of Genghis, Kublai and a couple of other Khans. I actually read this volume two months ago [1] so rather than trying to recall the details, I’ll just convey my lasting impressions from the book.

Firstly, the Mongols had a unique set of skills that happened to match the times perfectly to aid their supremacy. They didn’t have a general brilliance, or they wouldn’t all be smelly goat herders now. It’s like they were always destined to be living in tents and ekeing out a living on the steppe and then a strange confluence of events conspired to make them empire builders for a brief flash of history.

So, what skills?

slant

Shouldn’t you be cooking, woman?

The Mongols lived in the saddle and everything about them matched this demand. As young boys they became expert horseman and mounted archers. Their re-curved bow was made of layered and lacquered hide and wood that was a far more advanced technology than even the English longbows of the era. The Mongols could ride fast and fire quickly and accurately.

Being nomadic, there was no supply train distinct from their warriors. Thus the supplies could move as fast as the troops and they didn’t need a base. Thus the Mongols could travel en masse without dividing forces or leaving a vulnerable homeland. They’d invade before the invadees were ready for them, the horde arriving almost as fast as the news they were coming.

Strong tribal loyalties and the wild nomad’s code of honour made them very reliable in battle and far less prone to all the pre- and mid-battle defections that often lost the Byzantines, Persians, and Mamluks their own battles before swords were crossed.

mongol-horde

Let them in. Don’t be racist!

Mongols also had little interest in establishing a civil administration to maintain their empire. They’d show up, conquer, loot, then move on. It was difficult to pin them down. This meant the empire’s didn’t survive the deaths of the leaders but while they were alive, they were formidable.

But fucking hell what a bunch of utter cunts!

The Mongols would regularly massacre entire cities, sack them, then burn them to the ground. They’d devise all kinds of cruel tortures and were fond of stacking skulls into mountains outside city walls. The last great Mongol leader, Timurlane, was especially viscious. He once accepted a city’s surrender after promising the defenders no blood would be shed…. and then buried them all alive under and inside the city walls. No doubt he thought he was being witty by not breaking the letter of his promise. So I was pleased to hear he died painfully of illness while on his way to invade China.

About the only silver lining to the Mongol curse is they mostly fought other Muslims, such as the Ottomans [2] and only rarely fought Christians (the Armenians and Georgians getting the shit end of that stick). Just as in the modern day, who really gives a fuck what’s going on in the Middle East? Not me [3]

It wasn’t until the National Socialists of Germany and the International Socialists of Russia, China and Cambodia came along that the Mongols had a serious rival to their title of History’s Biggest Cunts. Fascinating reading. These were brutal times.

Mongol conquests

If you’d like to know more about some of history’s biggest cunts consider trying my memoir series when my friends and I go reaving through Europe smelling just as bad as the Mongols and drinking twice as much beer.

[1] And didn’t get round to reviewing it due to a backlog
[2] Also utter cunts.
[3] Not quite true. I’m very interested in what Mohammad bin Salman is doing in Saudi Arabia

#47 – Louise de la Valliere, Alexandre Dumas BOOK REVIEW

June 3, 2018
krauserpua

I was suitably forewarned, by no lesser authority than the introduction of this very volume, that the fourth of Dumas’ five volumes in the D’Artagnan Romances is the weakest link. So it turned out to be. Whereas the other parts are full of adventure, plotting, sword-play, buccaneering and camaraderie, this one is just….. boring. It’s focused almost entirely upon timid palace romance, particularly Louis XIV’s inept flirtations with his sister’s maid of honour Valliere.

Louise de la valliere

WNB

And oh my isn’t she a boring character! She spends the entire book wittering on about a lady’s honour while strenuously declining the king’s advances even though she loves him. At one point the little drama queen runs off to a convent. It made me wish Milady made a comeback.

I’m not satirising it when I say this romance has the pair meeting under willow trees in the rain to share protestations of love, writing poetry on hand-delivered missives, or sharing glances and blushes at court. The king tries climbing up a ladder to sneak a conversation at her second storey window without her guardian seeing. It boggles my mind that such trite romance weighs down a series full of war and violence.

The three musketeers are barely in it, and D’Artagnan makes only brief appearances to shepherd the love-strick Louis XIV around. I’d say the vast part of the book’s 669 pages concentrate on the passage of a couple of weeks at the palace of Fountainbleau. It’s hard to remember precisely what happens because it got samey. And I only finished the bloody thing two days ago, two weeks after starting.

Despite all this, I still enjoyed reading. So, why?

Sword fight

More of this next time, ok Alex?

Well, first and foremost is the sense of epic scope that the full series represents. This is a hugely ambitious story where each of the five volumes is epic in itself. Reading Length places them at a total of almost a million words, compared to an average paperback’s 70k. It isn’t a run of disjointed stories either. The same characters drop in and out and Dumas will foreshadow events not due to reach a head until a thousand pages later. For example, in Louise de la Valliere we see Aramis first ferreting out the secret of the King’s twin imprisoned in the Bastille and his buttering up of both the prison governor (for the later escape attempt) and the King’s financier Forquet who’s palace will be scene of the coup d’etat. I’d made the mistake of reading The Man In The Iron Mask first [1] so it was nice to see all the patient set-up of palace intrigues where I already knew the payoff.

I also loved how all main characters develop over time as they age. Louis XIV is first introduced in Twenty Years Later as a small boy of no consequence as the story focuses more on his mother and father but by the Vicomte Of Bragelonne he’s a sharp-eyed ruler whose relationship with D’Artagnan builds so that by the events Man In The Iron Mask we understand why the fiery Gascon sides with him. We also see very patient set-up of the jostling between Colbert and Fouquet for the King’s ear and the importance of the Belle Isle fortress where the whole saga eventually ends.

It’s as epic a story as I’ve ever read and it felt like a privilege to finally finish all five volumes. I may never read such a saga again. The only thing that comes close is Eiji Yoshikawa’s Musashi story though it’s probably less than half the length of this one. That too is awesome, and thoroughly recommended. If readers can suggest another, please do [2]

musashi_miyamoto_by_barcyd

No such bollocks here. It’s non-stop fighting

Unlike the other volumes, there’s really not much to say about this one. The series really dipped here. No good villains, no great missions, no real suspense. It just stumbled along setting up character arcs and plot points for the next volume. It’s the Two Towers of the D’Artagnan Romances. Now that I’ve read the full thing, I’d definitely recommend reading all five in the correct order. However, if you’re on the fence just try The Three Musketeers. If that grabs you, try the next two Twenty Years Later and Vicomte De Bragelonne. All three are fantastic and if you make it that far you’ll be so invested you really won’t mind the little dip on quality Louis de la Valliere represents before the rousing finale of Man In The Iron Mask.

If you’d like to read an epic story covering nearly a million words you’ll be pretty excited about my memoir series. When the soon-to-be-released third volume is out that’ll bring it up to 600k words and at least one more still to come.

[1] Understandable, as only that and the first two volumes are widely published, and usually presented as a trilogy as if books three and four didn’t exist.
[2] And don’t you dare suggest Robert Jordan’s Wheel Of Time¬†abomination or you’ll be insta-banned.

#46 – The Sword Of Fate, Dennis Wheatley BOOK REVIEW

May 31, 2018
krauserpua

Oh yes, this man just keeps knocking it out of the park! Many modern writers make their name with one recurring character in a series of books, be it the protagonist (Lee Child‘s Jack Reacher is one I like) or the antagonist (rarer, but Thomas HarrisHannibal Lecter is a good example). It makes sound financial sense to keep churning out books with the same well-loved character but I imagine it diminishes the author’s desire to keep writing. Even J.K. Rowling [1] got sick of writing Harry Potter and wrote a book under another name [2]

Sword of fate Dennis Wheatley

Wheatley had a plethora of series, such as those featuring Duke De Richleau (11 books, of which I’ve read 4), Gregory Sallust (11 books, read 3), Roger Brooks (12 books, read 2), Molly Fountain (2 books, read 1), and lastly Julian Day (3 books, read 1).

I dare say I’ve enjoyed them all.

This one kicks off in Cairo, Egypt where Julian Day is stationed in the early days of WWII. He has a chance meeting with a local bird of mixed Italian/Greek descent after crashing his motorbike. Naturally they fancy each other so a love affair develops. It’s named The Sword Of Fate because the bird seeks guidance from a fortune teller who informs her such a sword will always stand between them, and that forms the book’s theme.

In 1939 the war had yet to expand to North Africa but then the French surrender and the Vichy government sabotages British interests in the Mediterranean, leaving Her Majesty’s navy overstretched and the English troops sandwiched between the French on the Algeria side and the Italians on the other.

Initially Day and his bird are split up by a dastardly Italian officer, her fiance from an arranged marriage. He turns out to be working for the Nazis and also the globalist cabal who’d ruined Day’s reputation in the first book in the series. Then the Italians invade Greece and kick off trouble in Africa. The British army is drawn into fighting and Day with them. All kinds of machinations follow in typically unpredictable Wheatley style.

By book’s end he’s fought tanks in Libya, been held as a POW, liberated by advancing British forces, and deserted in Greece to chase down his nemesis and rescue his bird who has gone deep undercover to battle the Nazis. It’s a proper adventure story.

What made the book most interesting to me is its publication date: 1941. It was written when the war’s outcome looked strongly in Germany’s favour. The Battle of Britain was ongoing [3] and it seemed Hitler may yet invade Britain. Operation Barbarossa wouldn’t start until June 22nd 1941. At the time of writing, Germany had handily sewn up the Western Front, there was no Eastern Front, and Pearl Harbour (and thus USA’s entry on the Allies side) was a year away.

Nazi zombies

Before this happened

Things were pretty bleak for those of Europe who didn’t want to be ruled by squareheads.

This means Sword Of Fate is constantly jumping between a typical adventure story and two of Wheatley’s primary passions: venting about stupid decisions by British command, and lambasting the French for so meekly giving in to the Nazis. He also spends long passages giving pep talks to his readers about the need for Britain to hold out against the Nazi menace.

It’s interesting to read a war adventure story written before anyone knows who is going to win. So much of the war was as yet unknown.

If you’ve read one Wheatley novel you’ve read them all – you’ll know the style. It begins with an international flavour among characters of high social class and breeding. The protagonist shows himself a thoroughly solid chap, meets a girl and then things go to shit. There’s always a dastardly rascal opposing him who acts with an underhandedness that would shame even a pro-wrestling heel [4]. The protagonist sets off on a quest and encounters all manner of reversals on the way forcing him to think and act quickly and decisively. And usually recklessly.

Iron sheik

More dastardly than the Iron Sheik. Really!

Wheatley likes to give us full explanations for the reasoning process the protagonist follows before deciding a course of action. It’s really quite strange to read two pages of cogitation before Day decides to throw down his rifle and surrender to an Italian tank formation, or to kidnap a Nazi agent and stage a hunger strike from his prison cell. It’s also odd how random and unexpected his stories’ reversals are. Modern books have a habit of moving in predictable directions as the plot narrows it’s focus. Wheatley will patiently set up a dynamic that leads us to expect that and then just flips the table with a new event that wrecks all former plans.

There are some unintentionally hilarious passages too. This is a favourite, as Day infiltrates a small Archaeological Society in Athens used as a front for Nazi spying:

‘Here,” I said, thrusting out the basket. ‘Hold this a minute, will you? I’ve just trodden on a nail.’
Grudgingly he took the basket from me, thereby rendering himself temporarily powerless to use his hands in his own defence. Immediately he was supporting the full weight of it I drew back my right fist and gave him a terrific swipe under the jaw.
That is not a nice thing to do to an inoffensive person, but this fellow was a German.

Take that, Fritz!

If you like Wheatley, or like WWII adventure stories with a focus on spying over combat then this is easy to recommend. I thoroughly enjoyed it and the pace never let up.

If you like reading stories of international adventure then just hold tight until volume three of my memoir comes out, very soon.

[1] A despicable lying leftist cunt
[2] The Cuckoo’s Calling. Even though it reviewed well, like most books it flopped on release. Before the secret came out that JKR had written it, it sold less than Daygame Mastery in the same timespan. (I think).
[3] It ended November 1940 and thus no way this book was written with it’s result known.
[4] The baddies are either French, German or Spanish every time. Can’t trust those countries now, can you?

The Underwear Gnomes of Daygame

May 28, 2018
krauserpua

Inquiring minds will have observed strange doings in the night. You are lying in bed, starting to drift off, no doubt dreaming of hot tub threesomes with scraggly whores [1]. So, you’re in bed, you’ve still got a chubby, and you are peacefully slipping into the dreamworld of sex and frollics. Suddenly, there’s a bump in the night. You hear high-pitched chattering from the next room.

You ignore it. You sleep. The next morning as you towel off after a shower and open the dressers drawer to find your fresh pair of shreddies [2] you find….. SHOCK HORROR!…. no shreddies. Not even slightly skidmarked Primark 70% polyester specials. Gone!

Those goddamn UNDERWEAR GNOMES have struck again!

For those of you unfamiliar with what I’m banging on about [3] check out this video.

So, back? Great. Put your feet up and light a cigar. The underwear gnomes have been adopted by business schools the world over to memetize organisations with a shitty business plan. The gnomes have three phases to running a profitable enterprise.

PHASE ONE: Steal Underwear
PHASE TWO: ?
PHASE THREE: Profit.

The jokes comes from the gnomes not understanding the first principles of business. A business only exists if you have a product and customers. Everything else is secondary. The gnomes are so excited about stealing underwear that they never get as far as figuring out how (or even if) it can be monetised and thus be a real business.

This, by the way, is almost every silicon valley start up. In that depraved shit-hole of homosexual globalists, only Facebook and Google make a profit [4] and the latter only on their AdSense because everything else they do is shit.

So, to daygame.

I’ve been noticing a common theme among all the monkeys posing as daygame coaches [5] that they all seem to employ Underwear Gnome Daygame [6] in which the street portion goes as follows:

PHASE ONE: Open
PHASE TWO: ?
PHASE THREE: Get Number

Try as I might as I watch their shitty infields and laugh at WhatsApp videos my friends surreptitiously record during their (for example) Budapest bootcamps, I can’t find any actual game being done. Phase two does not have any definable things that appear to be getting done.

Go watch them yourselves. It’s fucking awful.

Anyway, I’ve been looking into some of the dating advice on teh interwebs and the gnomes appear to have infiltrated that too. Most of the dating advice I find on the forums [7] is according to this complex operational plan:

PHASE ONE: Turn Up
PHASE TWO: ?
PHASE THREE: Get Laid

It really hurts my head to watch this nonsense. So, with that in mind, I shall pour myself another whiskey and consider having an early night. Peace out [8].

If you like mad drunken ramblings from a raging egotist, perhaps you’d like to buy my Womanizers Bible product for the very reasonable price of $49. If you’d like 1,000 pages of very detailed instructions on PHASE TWO then perhaps you’ll be wanting Daygame Mastery and Daygame Infinite. If you want it on video, try Daygame Overkill

[1] Actually, I heard they were ok. Sorry Xants. Just joshing.
[2] Uniqlo supina cotton, I would hope.
[3] the gnomes, not the skidmarks
[4] And I don’t include freaky Elon Musk and his taxpayer-subsidy riding bullshit shennanigans and shifty soon-to-be-exposed accounting practices
[5] There are a small number of very good coaches, who are all my mates, and the rest can fuck off.
[6] Version 3.0
[7] Other then everyone agreeing not to mention the Pay part of P4P, or admit the real quality of the stinkers they are banging
[8] You wankers