A while back I did a quickie facebook close of a Malaysian tourist in Covent Garden. Reasonable set but of the type which frequently goes nowhere. I send a message to her and then there’s radio silence for over a month. Suddenly this drops in to my mailbox.

Her: Hi nick!    I’m sorry but I just found a message from you. Where did we meet? Correct me if I’m wrong, but did u call me an ewok by any chance?
Me: Haha, yes. I think in Covent Garden. My memory is all hazy now but aren’t you from Malaysia????
Her: Haha yes I am. I had no idea u messaged me. My facebook is retarded for some reason.     I’m back in Malaysia. How are u doing?
Me: So it’s your Facebook that is the retarded one. O…..kay.     You’re missing a good spring in London. Unseasonably hot weather. I’m lounging in a hammock in my garden, sipping a Pimms that my friends have made and watching the squirrels running up the trees. I might get up and do something productive. Probably not.    I’m taking the gang to Estonia in a fortnight. That should be good. What are you up to?
Her: I’m not joking and u can’t make me feel guilty! I did wonder about what happened to the guy who called me an ewok.    I do know how much I’m missing in London, and I am missing it with a passion. Wish I was back there, and not in sunny, humid Malaysia. But it’s always nice to see the sea again. And the really cheap beer is inviting in the heat too.    Back to work. Not-so-real work, but still work. Just watching tele. Still, it’s the life.     What do u do that u get to travel so much? It really is unfair.
Me: [Ewok], my little dear. Accept the add and let’s do this on chat.
Her: Nick, you charming thing, i don’t do chat on facebook. Or phone facebook chat, usually     I do gmail chat, and sometimes skype, but for u, I’ll make an acception in about an hour if u are still on facebook.
Me: sorted
Her: you have to add me now

[a bit of light FB chat where she complains about being called an Ewok and wants a new nickname, then we go back onto messages]

Me: I’ve got one. But I have to check it fits. Are you energetic?
Her: [blah blah] yes
Me: Are you independently minded?
Her: [blah blah] yes     what else?
Me: last question – do you like to do things your own way?
Her: i do like to, but i never do.
Me: It fits. You’re Zippy! [link to naughty Zippy]
Her: haha     is that my new nick name?     ok malaysian internet is 70% slower then europe internet, so gimme some time to find out why zippy is a cu*t
Her : OUCH why do you do that!??!     ok nick…     best be off the chat. have some friends over and hey are watching a film without me… i am being rather rude…     mail me, and i will reply!     probably, if i am not destroying blocks and what-not.
Me: oh, you’re at home? with the 7-hour (?) time difference, shouldn’t you be at work or something?
Her: I’m a singer, so I only work when I have gigs. What do u do?
Me: I was an investment banker. Now I’m having a few years off to run a business and write a few books.     Singing eh? You mean a proper singer where people pay to see you and you hit the correct notes (which is cool, and in which case I’m mildly impressed) or singing in the shower, which is just weird?
Her: Haha singing as in people pay to watch me and hit the correct notes and even sometimes, when I dare, I even sound good.     Write a book eh? What do u write about, master Nick?
Me: My books have long words and no pictures. I don’t think you’ll like them.    I think it’s cool that you sing. I find a woman’s voice very relaxing and musical. Dare I say, sexy? There. I just said it.    I’ve just scanned through a few of your profile pictures. One of them (4 of 98) looks like you are sitting next to a waxwork / Madaam Tussauds dummy version of yourself. Is that real? Are you a replicant? Should I be scared?
Her: First of all, have u been stalking for a while now, like since London? Since before u even introduced yourself??     Mind u, I have read a few long worded, non pictured books in my life time. Have u never heard of Harry Potter?!?     I guess u could find me on youtube, but I’m not exactly proud of those videos. I have some singing videos up on facebook also if u want to have a look. Or have u already downloaded them and saved them to your external hard drive?     The picture is just a camera trick. I found it just 2 really bad pictures of me, but I thought the effect was cool.
Me: I’m not gonna look for you on youtube, little girl.     My most recent book was a collection of short stories about fighting / martial arts. Men’s stuff. I enjoy writing – it feels good to let the creativity out.     I must admit, you seem like a fun girl. I quite liked your girly energy when we met. Tell me about something about yourself:

• Which of the seven dwarfs best represent you?
• What would you do for the day if you were a man?
• If you could physically transport yourself to any place in the world at this moment…where would you go?

Answer those well and I’ll give you a William & Kate fridge magnet next time I’m in Malaysia.
Her: Just so u know, I was there for the wedding and did not get a souvenir (is that how it’s spelt?) But I guess I’d like a gift.

1. Sneezy, I’m always sick.
2. Hit on a girl.
3. New York

Her: To be honest, if I was a guy, I’d scratch my balls to see what the big deal is.
Me: Ughh, you’re gross… you’re one of those Malaysian sex perverts my mother warned me about. It’s lucky you seem to have a winning personality. But let the record show I’m shocked. Appalled. A little bit.     When you’re not singing, what do you like to do? Imagine it’s a warm Sunday afternoon and you’re relaxing. Describe it.    And…. If you were a dog would you lick them?
Her: Hahaha mother knows best, nick. And I’m just being naturally curious.
Sunday afternoon = ipod, book, beer. Mmmm utter perfection. Preferably on the beach. The book thief. Yup.     And no.     Your turn.     If u were to grab a scarf off a rack, what color would it be? Best musician of all time? Preferred super power?

Me: Hmmm. I wouldn’t wear a scarf. I’m a man, not a metrosexual. Best musician? Beethoven. In the modern era I like Glenn Danzig.
Superpower is hard. Being able to sexually satisfy every girl is the best one…….. but I’ve already got that. So, I’ll choose Wolverine’s recovery powers. I love boxing and wrestling and it would be nice to reduce my recovery time after a fight.
I have to pack my bag and go meet friends now. I’m taking the gang out tonight. But you know, Zippy, I think I like you now. You’re a sexy little girl I could probably introduce to my mother. If we put you in a summer dress with ribbons in your hair you’d make a nice wife for someone.     Leave me a message for when I get home later. Something that surprises me.

I’m minding my own business on Facebook chat with some girls, as I’m wont to do, when a random Italian sends me a friends request. I search my memory and I’m pretty sure I’ve never met her before. She’s made a mistake.

A big mistake.

Let’s find out what sort of trouble she’s landed herself into…..

Her: are you the guy from soho???
Me: probably, I go there alot     on the street?
Her: maybe…but you are the wrong guy   [ok, that’s cleared up the mystery. Let’s see if I can reel her in]
Me: no problem     I have a common name     so who are you?  [low investment, she ought to be polite after opening me]
Her: the most common in england i think     i am [Milano]
Me: That much I already know     you look Italian   [slight defiance, make a guess – easy because of her name – and see if she’s curious about what I think of her]
Her: haha     i am
Me: like one of the crazy Sardinians   [tease, start to put her into a box]
Her: no     from milanno
Me: oh dear…..    I nearly got murdered in Milan   [bait a story, see if she wants to draw it out of me]
Her: haha     why?    mafia?
Me: I was there on business     my last job I travelled all over the world     usually Brazil, Japan etc, but we had an office in Milan     on my first night I get a taxi from the airport     as we come into the city centre, the taxi goes slow because a woman is lying in the road     this is a black mercedes. It doesn’t say “taxi”. My secretary booked it     there was a group of 10 middle-class middle-aged people near her     like they were going to the opera     very Milan-style clothes     and suddenly they attacked my taxi     shouting they were gonna kill us   [standard A2 DHV story. All true. She opened me so I can easily feign disinterest in classic Mystery manner]
Her: hahahha
Me: 😦     I thought “Milan is full of crazy people”
Her: probably     thats why i’m not there anymore  [she’s happy to talk about herself, so I can get her to work a little]
Me: why did you come here?
Her: i dont like milan     or italy     in general     haha
Me: your food is good  [positive frame]
Her: that’s true     i’m still cooking it here
Me: oh, so you like cooking?  [ bait]
Her: yes   [hook]
Me: +10 points for you 😉   [reel]
Her: hahaha
Me: women in England can’t cook     My last girlfriend was from Uzbekistan. She cooked amazing stew!   [release]
Her: uzbekistan?      omg!hahah
Me: well, she was culturally Russian     cos she lived in Moscow since she was 15 for all the shows     but cooked Uzbeki food. Yum!!!!   [preselection DHV and a chance for her to ask about me, which she doesn’t take this time]
Her: i’ve never tried that food
Me: I cook Japanese mostly   [minor DHV]
Her: japanese?     i love japanese food   [rapport seeking]
Me: I lived there. Beautiful people     have you been?   [DHV, allow commonality without jumping on it, stack]
Her: yes     once     it’s an amazing country     and culture
Me: wow +5     where did you go?   [reward, stack]
Her: tokyo, yokohama, shizouka and yamanashi     and some towns between    [she’s investing]
Me: ok, I understand the first 3 but why yamanishi?   [not completely won over]
Her: don’t remeber all the names     my friend is from there     hahaha
Me: !     So you wandered around Japan, causing trouble….     … like a ninja     or wild geisha   [put her in a box]
Her: yes     always
Me: yeah, you’re trouble
Her: i am  [she’s playing along, she knows that if we meet I’m not gonna force her to be a nice girl]
Me: I’m gonna tell my mum
Her: hahah
Me: she told me to avoid Italian girls   [flip the script – frame her as chasing me for sex]
Her: she is clever
Me: “Nick, never date an Italian” she said. “They are all perverts”     “She will kill you when you sleep”
Her: hahahah     yes, that’s what we do   [playing along, she’s attracted]
Me: So I tried dating an Italian.   [bait her to ask about it]
Her: are you british?   [she ignores bait, she wants to find out more about me – an IOI]
Me: English
Her: same…
Me: nope.     that’s like me saying you are from Greece   [defiance, and put it back onto her]
Her: no
Me: you look a bit Greek, actually   [another box she doesn’t want to be in and will qualify to climb out of]
Her: thats not the samei don’t look greek
Me: yeah you do     I found a photo of you looking greek

Burto’s Greek Flag

Her: ¬¬     idiot…     haha   [IOI]
Me: 😛     So what do you do in London?   [elicit investment on a high]
Her: i found one yours as well…   [playing along, working, investing – a great sign]

Woof woof

Me: British Bulldog 😀
Her: i love that dogs     they are so ugly   [IOI]
Me: hey!     that’s saying I’m ugly     my profile photo is so cuuuuuute    -3 points for Milanno   [tease disapproval…]
Her: ahahha     what u do in london?   [….which triggers rapport-seeking. She’s thinking “who is this guy I’m suddenly attracted to?”]
Me: I was an investment banker     now I’m a writer
Her: a writer?
Me: yup   [not jumping on the chance to talk about myself. I’m not gonna qualify]
Her: how many events have you written?     books     hahah
Me: 4
Her: did you sell any?
Me: One of my jobs in Japan was a fight journalist. I wrote alot about fight / boxing / martial arts     all of them 🙂     sold out!
Her: to your family and friends?   [she’s enjoying this and I’m happy to let her keep investing]
Me: -5 points for the cheeky Italian girl   [more teased disapproval]
Her: hahahahha
Me: If you were here, I’d spank your naughty ass     Are you a reader?   [sexualise then immediately stack, see how she reacts]
Her: yes     but i just read real books     hahahah     not boring ones     😛   [she accepts it but doesn’t expand upon it. Good sign but not a slamdunk]
Me: blah blah blah     I don’t think you read     I think you just talk alot
Her: why not     i talk a lot too
Me: this is the books you read

Grist for the mill….

It’s about you   [another box, while also letting her know the sex will be good and non-judgemental]
Her: haaha     yes    my favorite book
Me: So why London?   [need some comfort and qualification before progressing to close]
Her: i like london     its a cool city
Me: true     do you work here?
Her: yes     do you know [name of where she works]?
Me: the shoe shop?
Her: no
Me: it sounds like a club
Her: its a bar restaurant     very cool    in [west end] street
Me: ah, I know [that] st. My favourite cafe is there   [commonality]
Her: haha     well, i work there as an event cordinator
Me: oh, so you’re a very organised girl   [qualify her]
Her: yes     at least at work
Me: I just knew you were gonna say that     and your social / personal life is disorganised!
Her: exact     hahaha
Me: typical young girl….   [more boxes]
Her: haha     are u organised?
Me: extremely     too organised for you     you’d hate me   [false disqualifier]
Her: haha
Me: I’d be always telling you off for being late….. forgetting things…     … losing my stuff  [basic Mystery style]
Her: haha     do you think so?
Me: well, I’ve never actually met you…     but probably I’d need to discipline you     make you into a real elegant lady     like that Audrey Hepburn movie   [set her hoops to jump through to please me, while framing myself as above her]
Her: i am     i’m better than her   [she thinks she’s winning, but she’s qualifiying]
Me: big words
Her: haha    haha
Me: Do you work normal Monday-Friday?   [logistics, assume the sale]
Her: no
Me: when’s your days off?
Her: it depends     not always the same ones     it depends on work
Me: this coming week, I mean
Her: wedn and thursday
Me: ok, I’ll have a look at you. Give you some tips on being a proper English lady   [I’m being won over, just]
Her: i don’t want to be an english lady    [resistance is part of the game for girls]
Me: I know, it’s tough for Italians     we’ll start with some English tea   [reframe, bulldozer objections]
Her: I won’t be an english girl… never!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I guess it’ll be mojitos then
Her: ok, better   [it’s on]
Me: text me [my number]
Her: i can’t now
Me: ok, what’s yours
Her: i’ll text you later     idon’t know my non-work phone number
Me: no probs     You’re at work now?
Her: yes
Me: obviously they aren’t working you hard enough…..
Her: hahaha     i can do two things at the same time
Me: Walking and chewing gum?
Her: yes
Me: I’m gonna have a shower  [escape the scene of the crime before the cops show up]
Her: ok…
Me: Nice meeting you Milano. Now get back to work!   [comfort and order her around]
Her: i am working     not hard at the moment     but working

Later that evening I get the “hey, it’s me!” text. Result.

I dunno, it’s been a funny few weeks. Lot’s of craziness. This one didn’t want to be cured.

Sometimes I’m in a mood where I can’t be bothered with arsey girls. This one started out with such a bitchy response but I decided to plough anyway because Russians often give you one minute of the cold stare before softening. It’s just part of the game for them.

This girl did soften but then decided to take offense at something innocuous. I know my vibe wasn’t there and she was just testing, but I couldn’t be bothered to pour effort into her value vaccum.

So I started arguing with her.

And funnily enough she begins to light up and IOI a little. Turns out she’s unavailable and basically a “no” girl (for me, at least). Good practice for not backing down. If my vibe had been good I might’ve turned it around.

Burto recently picked up a sweet Estonian gogo dancer by eyefucking her in her day job. What readers don’t know is the cunning tag-team role played by me to give him his isolation with her. So at the exact moment he’s doing his thing (on video) here is me eyefucking her co-worker. Commentary in the video.