A while back I did a quickie facebook close of a Malaysian tourist in Covent Garden. Reasonable set but of the type which frequently goes nowhere. I send a message to her and then there’s radio silence for over a month. Suddenly this drops in to my mailbox.
Her: Hi nick! I’m sorry but I just found a message from you. Where did we meet? Correct me if I’m wrong, but did u call me an ewok by any chance?
Me: Haha, yes. I think in Covent Garden. My memory is all hazy now but aren’t you from Malaysia????
Her: Haha yes I am. I had no idea u messaged me. My facebook is retarded for some reason. I’m back in Malaysia. How are u doing?
Me: So it’s your Facebook that is the retarded one. O…..kay. You’re missing a good spring in London. Unseasonably hot weather. I’m lounging in a hammock in my garden, sipping a Pimms that my friends have made and watching the squirrels running up the trees. I might get up and do something productive. Probably not. I’m taking the gang to Estonia in a fortnight. That should be good. What are you up to?
Her: I’m not joking and u can’t make me feel guilty! I did wonder about what happened to the guy who called me an ewok. I do know how much I’m missing in London, and I am missing it with a passion. Wish I was back there, and not in sunny, humid Malaysia. But it’s always nice to see the sea again. And the really cheap beer is inviting in the heat too. Back to work. Not-so-real work, but still work. Just watching tele. Still, it’s the life. What do u do that u get to travel so much? It really is unfair.
Me: [Ewok], my little dear. Accept the add and let’s do this on chat.
Her: Nick, you charming thing, i don’t do chat on facebook. Or phone facebook chat, usually I do gmail chat, and sometimes skype, but for u, I’ll make an acception in about an hour if u are still on facebook.
Her: you have to add me now
[a bit of light FB chat where she complains about being called an Ewok and wants a new nickname, then we go back onto messages]
Me: I’ve got one. But I have to check it fits. Are you energetic?
Her: [blah blah] yes
Me: Are you independently minded?
Her: [blah blah] yes what else?
Me: last question – do you like to do things your own way?
Her: i do like to, but i never do.
Me: It fits. You’re Zippy! [link to naughty Zippy]
Her: haha is that my new nick name? ok malaysian internet is 70% slower then europe internet, so gimme some time to find out why zippy is a cu*t
Her : OUCH why do you do that!??! ok nick… best be off the chat. have some friends over and hey are watching a film without me… i am being rather rude… mail me, and i will reply! probably, if i am not destroying blocks and what-not.
Me: oh, you’re at home? with the 7-hour (?) time difference, shouldn’t you be at work or something?
Her: I’m a singer, so I only work when I have gigs. What do u do?
Me: I was an investment banker. Now I’m having a few years off to run a business and write a few books. Singing eh? You mean a proper singer where people pay to see you and you hit the correct notes (which is cool, and in which case I’m mildly impressed) or singing in the shower, which is just weird?
Her: Haha singing as in people pay to watch me and hit the correct notes and even sometimes, when I dare, I even sound good. Write a book eh? What do u write about, master Nick?
Me: My books have long words and no pictures. I don’t think you’ll like them. I think it’s cool that you sing. I find a woman’s voice very relaxing and musical. Dare I say, sexy? There. I just said it. I’ve just scanned through a few of your profile pictures. One of them (4 of 98) looks like you are sitting next to a waxwork / Madaam Tussauds dummy version of yourself. Is that real? Are you a replicant? Should I be scared?
Her: First of all, have u been stalking for a while now, like since London? Since before u even introduced yourself?? Mind u, I have read a few long worded, non pictured books in my life time. Have u never heard of Harry Potter?!? I guess u could find me on youtube, but I’m not exactly proud of those videos. I have some singing videos up on facebook also if u want to have a look. Or have u already downloaded them and saved them to your external hard drive? The picture is just a camera trick. I found it just 2 really bad pictures of me, but I thought the effect was cool.
Me: I’m not gonna look for you on youtube, little girl. My most recent book was a collection of short stories about fighting / martial arts. Men’s stuff. I enjoy writing – it feels good to let the creativity out. I must admit, you seem like a fun girl. I quite liked your girly energy when we met. Tell me about something about yourself:
- Which of the seven dwarfs best represent you?
- What would you do for the day if you were a man?
- If you could physically transport yourself to any place in the world at this moment…where would you go?
Answer those well and I’ll give you a William & Kate fridge magnet next time I’m in Malaysia.
Her: Just so u know, I was there for the wedding and did not get a souvenir (is that how it’s spelt?) But I guess I’d like a gift.
- Sneezy, I’m always sick.
- Hit on a girl.
- New York
Her: To be honest, if I was a guy, I’d scratch my balls to see what the big deal is.
Me: Ughh, you’re gross… you’re one of those Malaysian sex perverts my mother warned me about. It’s lucky you seem to have a winning personality. But let the record show I’m shocked. Appalled. A little bit. When you’re not singing, what do you like to do? Imagine it’s a warm Sunday afternoon and you’re relaxing. Describe it. And…. If you were a dog would you lick them?
Her: Hahaha mother knows best, nick. And I’m just being naturally curious.
Sunday afternoon = ipod, book, beer. Mmmm utter perfection. Preferably on the beach. The book thief. Yup. And no. Your turn. If u were to grab a scarf off a rack, what color would it be? Best musician of all time? Preferred super power?
Me: Hmmm. I wouldn’t wear a scarf. I’m a man, not a metrosexual. Best musician? Beethoven. In the modern era I like Glenn Danzig.
Superpower is hard. Being able to sexually satisfy every girl is the best one…….. but I’ve already got that. So, I’ll choose Wolverine’s recovery powers. I love boxing and wrestling and it would be nice to reduce my recovery time after a fight.
I have to pack my bag and go meet friends now. I’m taking the gang out tonight. But you know, Zippy, I think I like you now. You’re a sexy little girl I could probably introduce to my mother. If we put you in a summer dress with ribbons in your hair you’d make a nice wife for someone. Leave me a message for when I get home later. Something that surprises me.