My online dating profile

April 30, 2012

Jambone, Robusto and I recently finished our online dating book. Keep your eyes peeled for when we decide to offer it to the public. In the meantime, here’s an old profile I used to use. It’s not the one from the book nor is it the one I use now. But it’s still pretty good and got me plenty of lulz……. Note how I immediately jump into a questionnaire. None of this “I’ve never done online dating before but here goes….”
First I need to know about you with an overly complicated quiz. Put your hand on your heart and swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No cheating. Tot up your points as given.
Qu.1 – Which of the following animals do you like? (1 point for each)
a. Panda
b. Penguin
c. Squirrel
d. Cat (-1 point)

Qu.2 – Have you ever stolen sweets from a shop?
a. Yes, but I felt really guilty afterwards (+1)
b. Yes, I still do (+0)
c. No, I’m too scared I’ll go to hell (+1)
d. I don’t eat sweets. I prefer low calorie yoghurt (-1)

Qu.3 – People usually describe you as:
a. Sweet and feminine (+2)
b. Feisty, fun and rambunctous (+1)
c. Determined and independent (0)
d. Like, totally random (-10)

Qu.4 – It’s our first date and you are waiting patiently, looking cute. I text to say I’m running really late. Do you:
a. Wait longer (+1)
b. Take the opportunity to retouch your makeup and hair. Then wait longer (+2)

If you’re already on five points, drop me a line. I think we are destined for great things. Perhaps. If you’re still struggling then don’t give up – there’s a few more chances left. But don’t cheat!

Qu.5 – You like your man to communicate to you primarily with: (1 point each)
a. Grunts
b. Shoves
c. Pushes
d. Winks

Qu.6 – When you cook our first meal is it:
a. A traditional recipe passed down from your grandmother (+3)
b. Carefully selected from your library of cook books and from original ingredients (+2)
c. Reheated from M&S (-5)
d. Contains mushrooms or red peppers (-10)

Okay, we’re nearly done. I admire your spirit.

Qu.7 – What is the first thing you buy for me?
a. A night of drinks so you can get me drunk and trick me into your bed (+2 for directness)
b. Tickets to a girly date movie so you can get me feeling romantic and trick me into your bed (+2 for your noble intentions)
c. An expensive cool gadget so you can get me excited and trick me into your bed (+2 for creativity)

Qu.8 – When we have sex you prefer it to involve (1 point for all that apply)
a. Grabbing
b. Biting
c. Scratching
d. Panting

OK girl, total up those scores and see how well you’ve done. I’m gonna assume scouts honour and you’ve answered carefully and honestly like the good girl I know you are.

22+ : You can’t count. Go back to school.
21: You would be my perfect woman if you weren’t such a naughty cheater.
15-20: Yeah, you’re cool. Drop me a line.
11-14: I dunno, you seem kinda sketchy
10: Sorry.

ABOUT ME: I read, kickbox, talk lots and can be quite impulsive.

First Date
We’ll drive my vintage Bentley out to the windswept cliffs for dinner at my favourite castle. We’ll have a hearty roast and then as we gaze longingly into each others eyes we sip the finest red wine.

Together we walk hand in hand along the cliff edge and take the steps down to the shore. As the waves lap our feet and the sun slowly sets, we laugh and cavort. Two soulmates connecting like stars in the heavens.

Alternatively, I could take you to a pub and then give you a rogering in the bathrooms.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy

April 29, 2012

I’ve been reading up on pimping again. Many of my readers will be aware of Iceberg Slim’s classic autobiography Pimp, a book I heartily recommend for it’s portrayal of the dark side of male-female attraction. Mr Slim had certainly mastered the dance of the wounded souls and although it ultimately ruined his life and made him a deeply regretful man, at least he had plenty of lulz.

Intrigued by the skills and attitudes of these men I bought a few more related books. Right now I’m reading The Pimp’s Bible by Alfred “Bilbo” Gholson. Although he looks like a black hobbit his woman-skills are rather better than those of the Shire, who ought to stick to protecting the One Ring rather than running a stable of bitches. I haven’t finished the book yet but it’s a strikingly interestingly read.

Unsurprisingly it’s a mea culpa of Gholson’s life. Most first-person crime books are, because the worthless scoundrels who write them wish to preserve their self-opinion as worthwhile humans. I’m sure even Heinrich Himmler considered himself doing good and unjustly put-upon from the world at large. When you have your boot on someone’s neck, you find a way to blame it on them. Eddie Bunker novels are a great example of petty trash blaming unfortunate circumstances for all their violent avarice.

Gholson has a strong frame and a silver tongue, he’s a successful pimp remember. So his big reframe isn’t bad luck, it’s providence. God wanted him to be a pimp and God wants him to now set the world’s misapprehensions about pimpin’ to rights. Oh, how selfless of him. It makes for a fun read though. The whole book is a No True Scotsman move in which all the bad aspects of pimping (violence, drug-dealing, larcenry etc) are ringfenced as the work of dirty low-down wannabe pimps while “high class pimps” are providing a public service with the blessing of everyone involved. Rather than bang on about him analytically, I’ll revert to his words. Some choice quotes:

On going down on a woman: “Higher class pimps wouldn’t dare let his women become equal with him. He believes that any man that has oral love with his woman is her human douchebag. High class pimps are under the impression that a woman’s body accepts so much filth during a month’s time, that nature forces a cleaning out period once a month. Doctors say it’s acceptable but that doctors aren’t God and most high class pimps have their own opinion about it.”

On laziness: “Pimping is his job and a pimp works. He constantly deals with seven or more female minds, when the average layman cannot deal with one. If anyone thinks it’s not work, let them try it.”

On public opinion: “The pimp has always been the tenth wonder of the world. Only three people understand a pimp – God, his women, and another pimp.”

On the decline of morals in pimping: “But if I was pimping today, dead whores would turn over in their graves if they thought I was being treated like the modern day pimp, and the old ones who are still out there would come out of the woodwork to protest.”

On homely women: “You may not have a pretty face or a lovely body but don’t forget everyone has a brain. Some women resort to their brain department.”

From the 12 commandments: “He strikes his females only to shock them back to reality. Toss a bottle at her; hit at her head with a golf club, break a mirror over her head; but make sure you don’t strike her – that is called a king pimps whipping.”

On types of women: “The prostitute is secretive and typically gets her money with a taste of class. The whore is lewd, cunning, sneaky and gets her money any way she can.”

On sluts: “It is incredible what a fifth of whiskey, wine or drugs can make some loose women do.”

To an air hostess he just banged: “Baby, you could make alot of money if you stop giving this heaven away and start selling it. Pretty as you are, you could make a mint”

I bang my first 21yr old Bosnian prom queen

April 18, 2012

This lay is interesting to post up because of how unusual the girl is and it’s an example of pipelining. I hit her up on a dating site as one of many mails thrown out and score a big direct hit with my opening message (as she later related to me):

I realise later she is a bit crazy and considers her hair her best feature. She sends me a long enthusiastic reply and I gradually pilot her into a date on our second day in her city. I’ve appended a sample of the messages (skipping about 50% of it).

Jambone and I roll up in our sartorial elegance threads for a date with her in a lounge bar then proceed to drop DHV after DHV, all while making a big deal of being English gentleman. The women find themselves compared to various kinds of wildlife and constantly admonished to make sandwiches and know their place. We move on to walk around the old town and Jambone nicely stalls the best friend to give me valuable isolation to build deep rapport. We end the date there satisfied to be somewhere in C2.

Next night I meet her late one on one and now it’s proper date game. She’s very bookish and intelligent, into all her philosophy and (unfortunately) esoteric mystical stuff. It’s pretty harmless, just her way of understanding the world. She gives me a moonstone to keep near my heart to absorb bad energy or somesuch. After a couple of drinks she comes back to my hostel room but is flightly on kino and sits at the edge of the bed. After an hour or so I walk her halfway home and she’s weird about the kiss. Just standing there with lips tight together but not trying to get away. Similar to what I had on my first day with the Kazhak/Finn. Just for lulz I test her by grabbing her tits and ass. She’s fine with it. Bizarre. I put it down to intimacy issues and let it go. While she gives me a long tight hug goodnight she tells me I “can see her so well I feel naked” and “what you said was like a bullet in my head” and other things showing unexpectedly deep rapport.

We leave her town the next morning but stay in Facebook contact. Jambone reckons I should be able to bang her next time. A week later we roll back into town and I’ve framed her for a night of drinking where she supplies the wine and me the whiskey. I’ve already decide that come what may I shall caveman her once in isolation.

This but with an overbite that drops her down a point or two

We have a few whiskeys in a bar and she lets slip how obsessed she’s been with me. I’m irresistable to women, better than her in every way, nobody has ever made her feel how I do etc. I take these as IOIs. I walk her around a while then back to my room. Now there’s no rush. Jambone makes himself scarce while we watch Black Sabbath then I make the big move.

It takes longer than I expect. She’s putting up token resistance at every step. Jambone is freezing himself walking the town to give me isolation and eventually comes back to lock himself in the communal toilet with his laptop and an electric heater. That’s the only reason he’s written some blogposts. Finally she’s naked in my bed and I get my cock in. Once I’ve got my two strokes in F-Town belongs to me. She’s crying at first (really) saying she resisted because she’s worried if she puts out she’ll never see me again. But then her blood rises and she becomes an absolute hellcat in bed. Fuck me, it was like a space hopper fucking a kangaroo on a trampoline.

Jambone keeps texting asking me to hurry up. I figure a couple of pints the next night will pacify him. A few days later on facebook I ask her about the night. She tells me…

An I've stopped soul collecting....

Daygame opener in coffee shop video

April 13, 2012

Here’s a short video showing the kind of work we’ve been doing in coffee shops lately. Unfortunately we didn’t actually video the best sets and this one is merely so-so. For example we were too lazy to do the preapproach value properly (Only one half-arsed sentence for the DHV when it should be an animated conversation).

Still, total dogshit or not, it shows the first half of what we were doing.

Coffee Shop Daygame in the Former Yugoslavia

April 11, 2012

Jambone and I have been travelling around central Europe spying out places to live. The original plan was to spend three weeks in Zagreb doing bar and street game but we quickly knocked that on the head when it got cold and rainy from day one. Also, the nightlife in Zagreb is painfully bad – in bars the music is so loud you can’t talk, and in the nightclubs….. good grief, it’s like they are constructing a motorway on the dancefloor. So we hired a car and drove around Zadar, Dubrovnik, Sarajevo, Belgrade and now back to Zagreb. Happy times.

While in Sarajevo we figured out a good method to bring daygame to coffee shops. We have no interest in boring low-investment indirect game. We aren’t interested in throwing out twenty lame openers hoping to draw a couple of bites. So in times of Gaming need there’s always an answer….. turn to Mystery Method.

A gentleman's place to meet women

Here’s the Krauser/Jambone Coffee Shop Method. It’s just the MM structure adapted for our personalities and the fact we want to establish ourselves in new towns without burning them running around like dickheads street-stopping girls (works great in London, not so much in a small city). It works best if there’s two or three of you. Solo game would need some changes.

Stage One – Target selection

Roll around the cafe district looking for groups of girls sitting with coffee. Best groups will have a table free next to them and also another group (even if it’s guys) adjacent. Busy places are best. You just need the free table next to your set.

Stage Two – Preapproach value

Sit down and completely ignore the girls. Don’t even glance at them. Have a lively conversation between yourselves and hold good body language. Don’t value scan. Start to drop DHVs. Because of our trip it was easy, just things like “Tomorrow, London! Here we go. Can’t wait to get back for Lee’s fight” and “It’s much warmer here than Belgrade” etc. Let your peripehral vision catch the girls’ behaviour. You are looking for signs of recognition that they are listening to your conversation.

Stage Three – Observational Opener

This is like normal opening but you remain mostly indirect for now. The key is to avoid being the boring guy asking a female opinion or specifications on their laptop. The opener should be interesting enough to immediately capture their attention by putting some electricity into them. Depending on your vibe you can go in teasing or with a DHV.

We always started with a pre-frame as follows:

“Excuse me, ladies. I’m sorry for interrupting. Do you speak English? I’m sorry I don’t speak Croation/Bosnian/Serbian… My friend and I are just visiting from London and we couldn’t help but notice that….”

Openers we added on that hooked well:

  • “… you girls are dressed very much like the girls in Belgrade”
  • “… your friend here has matched her jacket to the seat. We wondered if perhaps she is so fashion conscious she chose to sit here”
  • “… your coffee cups are much cooler than ours. We got plain white but you have nice patterns on. Is this some kind of anti-English thing?”
  • “… you are dressed very classically french, whereas you are like a walking rainbow. Your scarf looks like someone dropped a packet of skittles on it and sat down”
  • “… you are in a very animated conversation. It looks like you are plotting revenge against your ex-boyfriends.”

After the girls give back for a while, give them some typical attraction material and then roll off. The roll-off is very important. The frame depends on it.

Stage Four – Open a Pawn Set

Guys are the best for this because they’ve usually seen you open the girls and their estimation of your value shoots right up. Ask them about the best football team in town, or favourably compare one to a movie star lookalike. Whatever, just make it complimentary and not a tease. The guys will usually hook. This creates the most important moment in the set – the TV moment. The girls will usually look with shock and awe at you, like they are watching television. You’ve done a takeaway (“We aren’t guaranteed attention from these guys, we have to work for it”), a disqualifier (“They aren’t hitting on us, they are friendly to everyone”), a DHV (“They are socially savvy”) and now you can start dropping DHVs to the pawn set that will hit the target set.

We talk about travelling, our lifestyles, our friends etc. Usually the girls will open their body language right up and start IOIing hard to get your attention back.

Usually found in a seated position

Stage Five – Ignore Everyone

Go back to chatting to each other for five or ten minutes. You are showing everyone that you are happy with your own company and need nothing. Keep an eye out for any signs like the targets are leaving (e.g. settling the bill). 90% of the time you’ll find both the target set and pawn set trying to find ways back into conversation with you. For example, the men might start talking English to each other or mentioning English football teams. Wait for the right moment.

Stage Six – Reopen the target set.

The player goes to the bathroom this leaving the wing by himself. Naturally he will want to get back into conversation so you have legitimised why he’d reopen the set without hitting on the girl. You don’t need to tease much now because you’re in A3 (male-to-female interest). Start asking genuine questions about what the girls do, what they like etc. Continue to drop DHVs. Work it like a normal set. Do this as long as you feel good interest coming back and no resistance building. Keep rolling off and reopening the pawn set if necessary.

Stage Seven – Close

Usually a roll-off, reopen, then Facebook close is best.

This method is not about getting a solo girl into a dating frame. We were looking to get ourselves “in”s to the local social scene and be “the cool London guys” that they will brag to their friends about. So if we liked the pawn sets we’d close them too. The plan is to keep these sets ticking over on Facebook until we are back in their country or (if the IOIs are super strong, which sometimes happens) to work Long Game to import the girls to London for a week of dating.

There’s no rocket science here. It’s just an easy structure to meet lots of girls without looking like either “creepy street open guy” or “boring indirect guy”. There’s no risk of burning the town because even the uninterested sets walk away thinking you’re just cool social guys. We closed about 80% of opened sets with this and some of quite astonishing quality. I’ll probably put up some videos soon.

Simple daygame opening

April 2, 2012

Ok you tight cunts, how about I give you a basic primer on daygame opening so you don’t have to spend a single penny on a book? I’m sitting out in a Zagreb cafe while I wait for Jambone to collect the keys for a hire car to drive us through the countryside. This is what I’ve been opening the Croat birds with.┬áNearly all my openers have been as follows:

“Hi. You speak good English? Great, I just wanna tell you something really quick. I was just walking past you with my friend… that’s my friend there [wave at Jambone]… when I saw you and I thought.. you look quite nice. So I wanted to say hello.”

At this point I wait for a response, and usually follow up with an assumption stack of something like

“You fit my image of a typical Croatian girl. It’s the thick eyebrows, big long hair, and crazy eyes.”

Let’s stop right there and analyse what I’m doing. It hooked every set I opened so it’s worth considering why. First thing is I’m getting right in front of the girl and commanding her to stop with quietly authortitative body language and strong eye contact. Dominance is the main arousal trigger in women. So immediately she’s getting an emotional kick out of the interaction. You can see in their eyes and smile that they are immediately enjoying it.

Next I’m qualifying them on their English and rooting the opener. Then I show a relaxed safe gesture to my friend so she gets to have a look around her and not be too startled. But perhaps the most counter-intuitive part is the compliment… you look quite nice.

Not gorgeous, not damn sexy, not stunning. Simply quite nice.

Some quite nice Croatian girls I'm met, yesterday

Why is that the best opener? Because it straddles the two extremes of (i) relating to the girl as a man talks to a woman so she’s got no doubt about the subtext to the street stop. I’m not hiding my intent or betraying a lack of confidence but (2) I’m not heaping validation on her by gushing effusively on her beauty. She hasn’t earned that yet. She’s still got work to do. This makes sense to her and doesn’t put too much pressure on her.

That might get you into a conversation right there but if she’s still a bit clammed up do the patented Krauser assumption stack which is simply “you look very [conclusion x], because of [observation x, y, z]”. This is really simple. You just look at three things you see right in front of you and feed them back to her. Make one of them a playful tease. So…..

  • You look very Spanish. It’s the big hair, brown eyes, and very strange fashion sense.
  • You look very serious. Because of the frown, the busy walk, and the way you are gripping your book so tightly.
  • You look very playful. It’s that smile, little twinkling eyes, and that spring in your step.

If she hasn’t started giving back and moving into vibing it’s time to unload your heavy artillery….. and compare her to some form of wildlife.

  • “You look like…. dare I say it…. a cute little Croatian hamster”
  • “In fact, if I was to say the first thing that comes into my mind…. I would have to say… you remind me of a naughty squirrel”
  • (two sets) “My friend and I thought you looked like a girafe [to the taller one] and a tiger [shorter girl]. Which is strange, because in the wild giraffes and tigers are not friends”

That’ll get you into vibing. Enjoy.

P.S. Obviously you should buy my daygame book so you know what to do next.