I’ve been reading up on pimping again. Many of my readers will be aware of Iceberg Slim’s classic autobiography Pimp, a book I heartily recommend for it’s portrayal of the dark side of male-female attraction. Mr Slim had certainly mastered the dance of the wounded souls and although it ultimately ruined his life and made him a deeply regretful man, at least he had plenty of lulz.

Intrigued by the skills and attitudes of these men I bought a few more related books. Right now I’m reading The Pimp’s Bible by Alfred “Bilbo” Gholson. Although he looks like a black hobbit his woman-skills are rather better than those of the Shire, who ought to stick to protecting the One Ring rather than running a stable of bitches. I haven’t finished the book yet but it’s a strikingly interestingly read.

Unsurprisingly it’s a mea culpa of Gholson’s life. Most first-person crime books are, because the worthless scoundrels who write them wish to preserve their self-opinion as worthwhile humans. I’m sure even Heinrich Himmler considered himself doing good and unjustly put-upon from the world at large. When you have your boot on someone’s neck, you find a way to blame it on them. Eddie Bunker novels are a great example of petty trash blaming unfortunate circumstances for all their violent avarice.

Gholson has a strong frame and a silver tongue, he’s a successful pimp remember. So his big reframe isn’t bad luck, it’s providence. God wanted him to be a pimp and God wants him to now set the world’s misapprehensions about pimpin’ to rights. Oh, how selfless of him. It makes for a fun read though. The whole book is a No True Scotsman move in which all the bad aspects of pimping (violence, drug-dealing, larcenry etc) are ringfenced as the work of dirty low-down wannabe pimps while “high class pimps” are providing a public service with the blessing of everyone involved. Rather than bang on about him analytically, I’ll revert to his words. Some choice quotes:

On going down on a woman: “Higher class pimps wouldn’t dare let his women become equal with him. He believes that any man that has oral love with his woman is her human douchebag. High class pimps are under the impression that a woman’s body accepts so much filth during a month’s time, that nature forces a cleaning out period once a month. Doctors say it’s acceptable but that doctors aren’t God and most high class pimps have their own opinion about it.”

On laziness: “Pimping is his job and a pimp works. He constantly deals with seven or more female minds, when the average layman cannot deal with one. If anyone thinks it’s not work, let them try it.”

On public opinion: “The pimp has always been the tenth wonder of the world. Only three people understand a pimp – God, his women, and another pimp.”

On the decline of morals in pimping: “But if I was pimping today, dead whores would turn over in their graves if they thought I was being treated like the modern day pimp, and the old ones who are still out there would come out of the woodwork to protest.”

On homely women: “You may not have a pretty face or a lovely body but don’t forget everyone has a brain. Some women resort to their brain department.”

From the 12 commandments: “He strikes his females only to shock them back to reality. Toss a bottle at her; hit at her head with a golf club, break a mirror over her head; but make sure you don’t strike her – that is called a king pimps whipping.”

On types of women: “The prostitute is secretive and typically gets her money with a taste of class. The whore is lewd, cunning, sneaky and gets her money any way she can.”

On sluts: “It is incredible what a fifth of whiskey, wine or drugs can make some loose women do.”

To an air hostess he just banged: “Baby, you could make alot of money if you stop giving this heaven away and start selling it. Pretty as you are, you could make a mint”