Jambone, Robusto and I recently finished our online dating book. Keep your eyes peeled for when we decide to offer it to the public. In the meantime, here’s an old profile I used to use. It’s not the one from the book nor is it the one I use now. But it’s still pretty good and got me plenty of lulz……. Note how I immediately jump into a questionnaire. None of this “I’ve never done online dating before but here goes….”

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First I need to know about you with an overly complicated quiz. Put your hand on your heart and swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No cheating. Tot up your points as given.

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Qu.1 – Which of the following animals do you like? (1 point for each)
a. Panda
b. Penguin
c. Squirrel
d. Cat (-1 point)

Qu.2 – Have you ever stolen sweets from a shop?
a. Yes, but I felt really guilty afterwards (+1)
b. Yes, I still do (+0)
c. No, I’m too scared I’ll go to hell (+1)
d. I don’t eat sweets. I prefer low calorie yoghurt (-1)

Qu.3 – People usually describe you as:
a. Sweet and feminine (+2)
b. Feisty, fun and rambunctous (+1)
c. Determined and independent (0)
d. Like, totally random (-10)

Qu.4 – It’s our first date and you are waiting patiently, looking cute. I text to say I’m running really late. Do you:
a. Wait longer (+1)
b. Take the opportunity to retouch your makeup and hair. Then wait longer (+2)

If you’re already on five points, drop me a line. I think we are destined for great things. Perhaps. If you’re still struggling then don’t give up – there’s a few more chances left. But don’t cheat!

Qu.5 – You like your man to communicate to you primarily with: (1 point each)
a. Grunts
b. Shoves
c. Pushes
d. Winks

Qu.6 – When you cook our first meal is it:
a. A traditional recipe passed down from your grandmother (+3)
b. Carefully selected from your library of cook books and from original ingredients (+2)
c. Reheated from M&S (-5)
d. Contains mushrooms or red peppers (-10)

Okay, we’re nearly done. I admire your spirit.

Qu.7 – What is the first thing you buy for me?
a. A night of drinks so you can get me drunk and trick me into your bed (+2 for directness)
b. Tickets to a girly date movie so you can get me feeling romantic and trick me into your bed (+2 for your noble intentions)
c. An expensive cool gadget so you can get me excited and trick me into your bed (+2 for creativity)

Qu.8 – When we have sex you prefer it to involve (1 point for all that apply)
a. Grabbing
b. Biting
c. Scratching
d. Panting

OK girl, total up those scores and see how well you’ve done. I’m gonna assume scouts honour and you’ve answered carefully and honestly like the good girl I know you are.

22+ : You can’t count. Go back to school.
21: You would be my perfect woman if you weren’t such a naughty cheater.
15-20: Yeah, you’re cool. Drop me a line.
11-14: I dunno, you seem kinda sketchy
10: Sorry.

ABOUT ME: I read, kickbox, talk lots and can be quite impulsive.