My online dating profile

April 30, 2012

Jambone, Robusto and I recently finished our online dating book. Keep your eyes peeled for when we decide to offer it to the public. In the meantime, here’s an old profile I used to use. It’s not the one from the book nor is it the one I use now. But it’s still pretty good and got me plenty of lulz……. Note how I immediately jump into a questionnaire. None of this “I’ve never done online dating before but here goes….”
First I need to know about you with an overly complicated quiz. Put your hand on your heart and swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No cheating. Tot up your points as given.
Qu.1 – Which of the following animals do you like? (1 point for each)
a. Panda
b. Penguin
c. Squirrel
d. Cat (-1 point)

Qu.2 – Have you ever stolen sweets from a shop?
a. Yes, but I felt really guilty afterwards (+1)
b. Yes, I still do (+0)
c. No, I’m too scared I’ll go to hell (+1)
d. I don’t eat sweets. I prefer low calorie yoghurt (-1)

Qu.3 – People usually describe you as:
a. Sweet and feminine (+2)
b. Feisty, fun and rambunctous (+1)
c. Determined and independent (0)
d. Like, totally random (-10)

Qu.4 – It’s our first date and you are waiting patiently, looking cute. I text to say I’m running really late. Do you:
a. Wait longer (+1)
b. Take the opportunity to retouch your makeup and hair. Then wait longer (+2)

If you’re already on five points, drop me a line. I think we are destined for great things. Perhaps. If you’re still struggling then don’t give up – there’s a few more chances left. But don’t cheat!

Qu.5 – You like your man to communicate to you primarily with: (1 point each)
a. Grunts
b. Shoves
c. Pushes
d. Winks

Qu.6 – When you cook our first meal is it:
a. A traditional recipe passed down from your grandmother (+3)
b. Carefully selected from your library of cook books and from original ingredients (+2)
c. Reheated from M&S (-5)
d. Contains mushrooms or red peppers (-10)

Okay, we’re nearly done. I admire your spirit.

Qu.7 – What is the first thing you buy for me?
a. A night of drinks so you can get me drunk and trick me into your bed (+2 for directness)
b. Tickets to a girly date movie so you can get me feeling romantic and trick me into your bed (+2 for your noble intentions)
c. An expensive cool gadget so you can get me excited and trick me into your bed (+2 for creativity)

Qu.8 – When we have sex you prefer it to involve (1 point for all that apply)
a. Grabbing
b. Biting
c. Scratching
d. Panting

OK girl, total up those scores and see how well you’ve done. I’m gonna assume scouts honour and you’ve answered carefully and honestly like the good girl I know you are.

22+ : You can’t count. Go back to school.
21: You would be my perfect woman if you weren’t such a naughty cheater.
15-20: Yeah, you’re cool. Drop me a line.
11-14: I dunno, you seem kinda sketchy
10: Sorry.

ABOUT ME: I read, kickbox, talk lots and can be quite impulsive.

First Date
We’ll drive my vintage Bentley out to the windswept cliffs for dinner at my favourite castle. We’ll have a hearty roast and then as we gaze longingly into each others eyes we sip the finest red wine.

Together we walk hand in hand along the cliff edge and take the steps down to the shore. As the waves lap our feet and the sun slowly sets, we laugh and cavort. Two soulmates connecting like stars in the heavens.

Alternatively, I could take you to a pub and then give you a rogering in the bathrooms.


  1. That’s great, not done the whole online game thing since I’ve been learning game, wonder how Jimmy’s profile is in comparison as I know he was online gaming just for the trolling. Book should be interesting

  2. I don’t see the point of it all, but lulz indeed

  3. My comrade nick, one and only and yet I think the mask is too thin

  4. Cool idea with the questionnaire, do you get contacted by the girls with this or it’s only when they’re checking your profile after you’ve messaged them? [Still relies on messaging first. N.]

  5. I’ve already commented on this from the first day it was posted but apparently the vomment didn’t post SMFH.

    Well,decent questionnaire.But question is,don’t you think it’d get too monotonous for the target?

    Unless it can be tailored in a way that you can select a scaled down version of which questions to use.

  6. Damn. This is straight up genius. I want the book now.

  7. I modified it slightly for my region, but IT’S THE BEST FUCKING PROFILE I’VE HAD. It’s the chick-crack Cosmo profile, targeted and the young and fun, rather than the old and frigid. I have gotten more positive responses from this…you just better not use it on the same site, or we’ll look like copy-cat AFC’s!

  8. Interesting when is this book out then?? [Dunno. We just wrote it for fun and gave a few copies to friends. Jimmy is in control of it. K.]

  9. If you choose your girlfriend according to animals she likes, then I am so sorry. I don’t think you’ll ever find a proper one [Then I guess I’m resigned to celibacy. K]

  10. This is great. I’d probably tone down some of the overt sexuality to widen the target audience, but will definitely be stealing the concept. Cheers.

  11. Hey the RSG boys are coming out with a new online book i m very interested in what you guys offer.

    I just got into POF and the results have been extremely poor while i have heard a few of your guys are sending out 20 emails and getting 8 to 6 replies on POF.

    I have sent out 250 plus emails now got 24 views and 3 replies which to me seems like piss poor results.

    I noticed POF no longer lets you put subject lines for your messeges could this be the reason why i m not getting many views and replies???!
    Have any of you noticed a downfall with POF since these changes or are you still getting many good results?

  12. Pingback: Half German Half Trinidadian - Overescalation - The 3 Bromigos

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