As is now my custom, now that the chilly frost of winter is behind me (not that I noticed while in Mexico, Cuba, Belize and Thailand) the golden path to Eastern Europe has opened. So JJ and I have packed our suitcases and are off on another trawl of slavic women. One thing we much neglected in our previous trips was pipelining. Internet girls are so grotty that it doesn’t seem worth the bother. Not when the daytime streets are properly infested with cute clean-limbed little slavic sweeties.

But now that JJ figured out a way to pipeline while getting lulz at the same time we figured we’d sit in a cafe for a few hours and see what we can rustle up. I fire off twenty messages to girls in our target city. My only rule is they have to be hot enough that I’d open them in a bar (which is below my street-open threshold). They are much like this:

Girl A: Tall 19yr old brunette

Me: Your picture scares my dog. He’s hiding behind the sofa, whimpering. That’s really mean of you. You should apologise to him.

Her: I don’t necesarily apologise, unfortunatly I’m not a fan of dogs! But I may find the resistance.

Me: You’re a crazy cat lady???? Oh no, someone pass my umbrella, I need to chase you away. Nice hair. Very feminine. Cute. I have an electrified fence. Don’t chance it.

Her: I guess I am or on the path to become one… I only have one cat for now and he is already a little much. Thanks 🙂 My name is [name].

Me: [her name]? I have no idea how to pronounce that. I’m Nick. I’ll be arriving in [city]tomorrow, then coming up to [her city] after a few days. Where do you recommend? I’m looking for a cool bar which foreigners rarely find.

Her: Come visit me at work 🙂

Me: Where? I hope you work at a sausage shop, and can give me free sausages

Her: 😦 No I work at a pub, its not necessarily cool but ill be there and i guess i could bring some sausages to work

Me: nom nom nom Great! I like you now.

So that one looks promising and she’s certainly worth spending a few hours of a date to get a closer look. By her photos she looks a solid eight and not at all mental.

Girl B: Artsy 23yr old brunette

Me: You sound crazy. Totally bat-shit crazy. I like your hair. Cute, feminine. Weirdo

Her: Meowww

Me: Oh, you’re in big trouble now, girl

Her: I’m a dragon. nice to meet you 🙂

Me: I slay dragons. I’m a dragon-slayer. I’m just going to go put on my armour and mount my horse, pick up my lance, and come slay you. Maybe rescue a fair maiden when I’m finished

Her: boo!

Me: .

Her: HAHAHAHA xD I’ve survived slayers before, I’ll survive you. 🙂

Me: I’ll be in [her city] from tomorrow. Which bar do you recommend? Somewhere tourists don’t usually find.

Her: We dragons hang out in parks 😛 but yeah, I don’t know, the clubs are all listed online and the popular bars too 🙂 and I’m the wors person you can ask that question I just started going out myself 🙂

Again this one looks likely to progress to a date and she seems fun. This pseudo-trolling method filters out girls who are no fun.

Girl C: Bisexual 23yr old brunette

Me: [her city] won’t be big enough for the both of us. I’m gonna run you out of town, and the donkey you rode in on. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Her: Me and my pinata donkey will never surrender. Never! :dramatically whips her hair:

Me: You shouldn’t rob that bank [reference to her profile]. Being a girl, you’ll get confused, scared, and make a mess of it. I’ll be the sheriff who arrests you

Her: Years of watching Dexter taught me some things. I think I’d be cool as a blade. Boris the blade. :l But yeah, I certainly shouldn’t do it while I’m pms-ing. Ok. Just don’t sentence me to death by hanging. Ugh.

Me: You don’t belong on the plains. You should be in the kitchen. Cooking roast beef, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Mmmmm….. gravy…..

Again another bird who knows how to banter and might be fun. I’ve got seven similar conversations ongoing from my first twenty messages and I wouldn’t place any of the girls below a low-7. If anything comes of it, I’ll update.