Readers may be aware of this girl I’ve been gaming. She was a night-time street game close and followed up with two dates. I found her difficult and unimpressive except that when the banter got going I found it was lots of fun and made the interaction worthwhile. The subtext was her demanding she be the prize and that I supplicate to her. Not only do I refuse out of general principle, but she just isn’t all that. Too old, and pretty but not especially hot and not especially my type.
A practice set.
We’d had a couple of phone calls in the past week and then I get this mail over Facebook. I’ll try not to pre-frame it. Just read for yourself and think what it shows about me, her, and her perception of reality and her place within it. Extrapolate that attitude into the likely trajectory of her life. Consider the assumptions she makes about the relative value I do or should place upon her, and the position she expects me to occupy.
To make it easy, I’ve underlined all insults. Not banter – plain mean-spirited insults. I’ve also italicised shaming language and bolded historical revisionism. Take it away darlin’……..
Hi thanks for the invitation it looks good Krauser but I won’t be there on Saturday.
Krauser I’m going to be completely honest with you….. after our conversation on Thursday night towards the end mostly, I found very uncomfortable and the way you responded towards me when I mentioned the way I see myself and the kind of guy I like to date, I found your comments thought provoking I was disappointed.
What I would say on a good note would be that the other times we have chatted by email, text and the first time on the phone I found you engaging and fun to talk too, but you also appeared to lack gentleman qualities (I have been meaning to have this chat with you I guess now seems to be the right time)
When we meet in Oxford ST, for the first time you took me to get something to eat, the first thing you said to me was not how was your day! or you at least trying to make me feel comfortable, instead the first thing you said was IM ONLY PAYING FOR THE MILKSHAKE AND THE REST YOUR ON YOUR OWN that was scatty and undignified … and if you thought that was bad you did not exercise any courtesy when I was choosing from the menu you told the waiter that I’m indecisive. At that point I was about to leave in 10min. Never in my life have I experience something quite like that. However I was meeting up with friends later so I decided to stay and if it got worst I was going to leave. Lucky for me I was in a good mood that day and I did not leave my house thinking this was a date so I was shocked when you told me a few days later that it was. When we went to [members club] you some how unexpectedly redeemed yourself a little, the conversations was better and you came across as some one who has depth to him and the cube thing I found quite interesting. (But know doubt I am sure you use it all the time) if I’m completely honest that was the only reason why I agreed to meet up again but on my terms as friends.
However between that time until Thursdays conversation I felt we kind of got along conversation wise as friends, we shared some good banter and I found you in some way a little fascinating, so its disappointing how you represented yourself in our talk that night you came across like a Jerk once again. Krauser I don’t wish to spend my time with a guy who views pretty women as scoring boards, as opportunities to getting laid. But someone who respect and even likes women and who values relationships and friendships.
Base on all I have said, I think its best we don’t meet again.
I wish you all the best and hope the next time you meet some one nice you treat her respectfully because if she is special, then the first few things you show her counts in her eyes and if it works out, believe me you would not regret it because you would of found something precious.
Ok, now stop for a moment and reflect upon what she just said. Consider how she feels as she clicks the Send button to let me have a piece of her mind. What was motivating her to write these words? Why didn’t she just ignore me and move on, or politely disengaged? What made her feel compelled to reframe our interactions and what made her feel justified in telling me how I should feel and in stitching together a tapestry of insults and put-downs hung onto a skeleton of disarming politeness?
What is it she wants from me to validate her? I believe she wants the sanction of the victim. She wishes to position herself as the prize, as the chooser, and the empowered woman who can do everything she wants like an urban goddess. Knowing that I have added 25+ hotter girls to my Facebook since I met her she wishes to recover the special snowflake position so she can then dismiss me. She wishes to get under my skin, hurt my self-esteem and hopefully trigger a long impassioned response in which I defend myself against her charges and perhaps prostrate myself in rebuilding rapport. She certainly wants a response. So I reply:
ok. Thanks for the note.
Full disclosure: As I typed my response I was sitting in a nightclub with my date, surrounded by five beautiful women. I had just closed ten girls that afternoon (post and video coming soon) and four the night before (likewise).