I’ve been watching a lot of “bodybuilder YouTube” of late and I’m struck how similar it is to PUA YouTube. Not completely the same, mind: the bodybuilders aren’t setting up fake modelling agencies in Ukraine in order to hire actual prostitutes onto yachting holidays to pose for the marketing photos they use in scamming chodes out of hugely over-priced immersion courses taught by incompetent chancers (not that it isn’t a very natural lifestyle choice…. ahem) . They don’t have inner game coaches too scared to leave the house, nor do they go on mass-bumming holidays in the bamboo thickets of the Portuguese countryside (while telling themselves they are warriors). Probably those bodybuilders aren’t paying for sex while charging money to teach “seduction” either.
Wait. Hang on. What was I talking about?
Oh right, bodybuilding!
So, I’ve been taking my body very seriously since July 2018 and gradually becoming smarter and more disciplined at bodybuilding. As much as I respect madmen like Dorian Yates and Ronnie Coleman I have no desire to go that route. Rather, I’m inspired by the athletic physique sub-genre and have as my ideal standard the Hollywood Perfect look that the heart-throbs train for before a big role. That’s actually do-able on my genetics without drugs.
Mind you, I didn’t know that when I started. Which brings me to today’s rumination.
I’ve been watching those “body transformation” videos on YouTube where some guy trains up for a role, such as Christian Bale going on an Auschwitz  diet for The Machinist and then rebounding as a mass monster in Batman Begins, or Tom Hardy bulking up for Bronson and Warrior. It motivates me to see what’s possible but at the back of my mind were always two doubts:
1. That cunt is on drugs.
2. My age and genetics preclude me from those sorts of gains.
Well, it would appear I’d very much under-estimated what is possible when you’ve got your regime finely honed. Body transformation is all about gym, diet, and recovery  and for most of my life I’d been shit at all three. I was especially surprised when MorePlatesMoreDates argued that in many cases, the Hollywood body transformations were probably natural. He reckons Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, Zak Efron were likely natty, whereas Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hardy, and Christian Bale were juicing.
My first nine-months were self-taught under the guidance of a bodybuilder friend, over Telegram messages. He’s gone for the absurdly-proportioned muscle-head aesthetic and likes a cocktail of drugs, brute-forcing his gainz with testosterone and trenbolone. I’m rather more health conscious and determined to remain natural, but even so, his was a vast store of bodybuilding knowledge that got me off to a good start and helped motivate me until gym and diet had become entrenched habits.
The really big jump was when I hired a personal trainer. Within one session it quickly became apparent I’d vastly underestimated just how much knowledge goes into training, and how much injury-free progress requires good decision-making. It’s not as simple as just plucking a routine from the internet and then trying it out on your ronson, with headphones on while ignoring everything around you. Much like daygame, my coach could spot all my errors as easily as I spot bad form in one of my clients. He knows how to make all the strategy decisions of when to lift what, and when to change.
Before showing up on the first session I asked myself, what attitude do I appreciate most in my own daygame clients? I resolved to take that attitude into the gym now that I was the client. I resolved to never skip a session, never show up late, never run my mouth like a chatterbox, never whine, never drag my feet to eke out extra rest periods, never bitch, never bury my head in my smartphone between sets and so on. My coach- who looks like Captain America- is the expert and he was making the decisions. My job was just to lift what he told me to, then eat what he suggested.
It’s going great. I don’t expect to be headhunted as the next Wolverine but I’m already looking far better than I thought possible in July 2018 upon beginning. The habits are deeply entrenched and I’m full-on gymcelling now. My week has only two modes of being: at the gym, and recovering from the gym. Nothing else matters and I love it. The days fly by. Here’s my typical routine for the four gym days per week:
10:30 – wake up, shuffle into bathroom to clean teeth, shower, then admire myself in the mirror
11:10 – walk to nearby “bodybuilder” restaurant that serves clean gym food. order coffee and chicken omelette, have a shit in their toilets, have another coffee, check interwebs
12:40 – walk to gym, buy 1 litre water en route, change clothes, weigh myself, full-body stretch
13:10 – begin workout
15:00 – end workout, stretch off, shower
15:20 – return to restaurant, drink protein shake, order chicken rice with salad, coffee, and read a book
17:30 – eat again, something with beef and low carbs, leave restaurant
18:00 – have a nap on my bed
19:00 – read more and fuck about until it’s time for my final evening meal
You could say these are perfect conditions for bodybuilding. I’ve got no job, no bird , unlimited rest time, fresh-cooked clean food, and a great personal trainer for every session. These conditions won’t last forever so I’m determined to max out my effort and discipline while I’m this fortunate and still retain a fanatical determination to push ahead.
For those of you wondering about the specifics of my routine, here’s a snapshot. Bear in mind it’s always changing and I rarely look at what weight is on the bar/machine because my coach is keeping track of all that for me.
SATURDAY – Legs/Shoulders
0 – Full body stretch for about ten minutes, based on boxing stretches
1 – Seated Leg Extensions. One warm-up set of 20 reps at low weight, then four or five work sets, the last usually being a drop set. I fucking HATE this exercise and dread it, but like that it’s the first one so it’s over almost before I realise it. I pull some right fucking retarded faces when I’m trying to squeeze the last reps out.
2 – Hack Squats. This tires me out, having all the weight pressing onto my whole body and I’m always a bit worried that when the squat gets deep that I’m not coming back up. Usually four sets of 15-20 reps, getting progressively heavier.
3 – Leg Press. Again usually a warm-up set then progressively heavier on the four work sets. Rep range usually 15-20 and tapers down to 10-12. Last week I did 280kg, being 7 plates of 45lbs each side, which I was rather happy with. It felt like I was stress-testing the tensile strength of my knees. This exercise exhausts me completely, turns my head bright red, and never fails to elicits some grunts and yelps but when I finish the last set its a key moment: I’ve broken the back of the leg workout and it gets easier from here on out.
4 – Deep Dumbell Squats. This is legs quite wide, facing mirror, holding a heavy dumbbell at my chest. 15-20 rep range with escalating weight until four sets done. I’m always dripping with sweat from it, but somehow it feels more comfortable than all the others. Perhaps it’s due to my wrestling exercises of years back which involved hundreds of similar unweighted squats.
5 – Abductor. This is the seated “bring your knees together” exercise all the women do. I consider it a rest period, even though the abductors themselves get trained to failure. It’s just a small body part and the rest of my body is recovering as I do it. Usually it’s midway through the third and final set that my heart rate is back to normal for first time since hack squats.
6 – Seated Hamstring Curl. I usually enjoy the 20 reps of the warm-up set, as it’s another exercises that doesn’t drain the whole body. Usually by the fourth set (usually a drop) I’m near tears because it really hurts. It’s not tiring so much as it’s just plain painful in a way nothing else is.
7 – Seated Dumbbell Flies. Onto the shoulders now and this is four sets with reps decreasing from 20 to 10 as the weights go up, ending in a long drop set on four different weights.
8 – Barbell Raise. I don’t know what this is properly called. There’s a 10kg bar with light plates on each side. I grip at shoulder width then, straight-arms, swing it up to nose height. Feels good to do. Usually four sets, 15-20 reps.
9 – Seated Overhead Press (Machine). This one is tiring again, as it transmits all the weight through my entire torso. I don’t like it much, but it feels like hard work so actually I do. Again, four sets with rep-range declining from 20.
10 – Abdominals. Weighted crunch machine, often supersetted with leg raises. Four sets of 15 or 20, depending on weight.
11 – Weighted Neck Raises. Lying flat on a Reebok aerobics step, I place a 5kg weight on my head and then do 20 raises each for front, left, right. Then repeat.
12 – Stretch off.
That’s the hardest day because it’s legs but all four days take about as long. On the other three, I do fifteen minutes cardio on the treadmill at 7.5km/h. Sometimes vary it to be longer, or faster, or interval. If readers show an interest, I can talk about my fitness regime in greater detail.
 And you too, Max and Kramer. You pair of scamming fag boys.
 Assuming such a thing really happened and it’s not all a Jew/KGB scam.
 Briefly, I thought bodybuilding was 5% gym and 95% eating tuna out of the can while watching YouTube.
 No mates, either.