Adventure Sex – book excerpt #2

February 4, 2016
krauserpua

Thanks for the feedback so far. Here’s the next part of the same chapter (skipping a couple of paragraphs after the section in my previous post). Again I stress this is a draft, and has not changed since I re-wrote it a month ago.

I arrived in Serbia at the end of the first week of May, four days after Tom and a week before John. The sun shone brilliantly through the windows of the airport minibus and I found myself gazing at the afternoon city skyline, drifting into daydreams. It had been over six months since my last visit.

I alighted at the bus station by the river and dragged my suitcase up the bank towards the Old Town. That end of town – like most Central bus and train stations – is where the crazies congregate. In 2015 it would be a tent town as the fake refugees from “Syria” camped out and talked in Albanian and Turkish accents about all the welfare they’d collect and white women they’d rape when eventually landing in Germany. Back in 2014 it was more gypsy and Kosovan – slightly less menacing but just as squalid and dishonest. Skin tones noticeably lightened as the altitude increased, dragging that suitcase over cobbled backstreets thronged with street hawkers selling leather belts, old books, and other junk from atop milk crates.

The whole time I enjoyed building anticipation. I’d made this uphill climb many times before and knew what awaits at the summit. Once you reach the top you’re in White Town (figuratively speaking). That’s the old affluent area where all the people with good jobs (a rarity in Serbia) go to shop and all the young girls go to promenade. As so often happens in Belgrade, after enduring ten minutes of fat, brown, smelly gypsies with crooked teeth and shifty morals, I was suddenly blown away at meeting the full humans.

It was a sunny spring day and everyone was outside. I wandered wide-eyed by the university buildings. Hordes of hot young girls, all aged eighteen to twenty, milled around with their tight clothes, long legs and thick black hair. It didn’t matter whether they were sitting alone on a bench reading a library book or picnicking with friends on a grassy knoll, they were all broadcasting the same message loud and clear.

“Pick us up Nick! Please charm our knickers off and give us a rogering we’ll never forget.”

My landlord was a chilled university student with rich parents. He stood at the door smiling while I explored the little studio with its modern fittings, walk-in shower and a reasonably comfortable sofa-bed. I plugged my laptop into the flat-screen TV, connected to WiFi and gave him the thumbs up. Unlike Minsk, this apartment was not going to chip away at my vibe every morning. Belgrade is a far nicer place to live, even before you look at the girls.

Within ten minutes I was sitting on a rickety metal chair in Boutique cafe at the main square waiting for Tom to show up. He’d arrived four days earlier and gone straight to business. It had been a tough start for him, absorbing fourteen straight blowouts until the fifteenth girl had been an instant date, a Day 2 the next day around Kalemegdan fortress and then sex on his fourth day in town. He likes Belgrade but finds it a bit difficult compared to Russia, whereas I’m the opposite.

“Lovely vibe here, isn’t it” he enthused, wiping a smudge of green peppercorn sauce from this mouth and then diving back into his beefsteak.

11 Comments

  1. Well, ok, nobody puts in discussion the quality of the writing, but why don’t you show some action? [It’s a section from chapter 20 of a 40-chapter book. There’s no shortage of action in it. These posts are about the writing style. K.]

  2. It reads a little bit rough around the edges Krauser. It needs to be smoothed out in terms of the language used, for instance in the following sentence I don’t think ‘by’ is a nice word to use here, in fact it jars a little “… I wandered wide-eyed by the university buildings”. If you are looking for a simple alternative I would just use ‘past’ or ‘through’ instead. I realise this seems like nit picking, but its always more of a pleasure to read something which reads fluidly through choice words.

    Also, on a broader note I think what would make such a narrative interesting is to describe your thoughts rather than just rattling off a description of where you went, what you looked at and what you did … it makes it somewhat reminiscent of watching someone’s holiday camcorder footage (unfortunately this is usually a tortuous affair). Good luck with the project. Z [This is why a book needs rewrites and line editors. I think anyone who writes a blog or ebook realises just what a huge undertaking this is. There will be all kinds of little errors or weaknesses that need to be smoothed out. Thanks. K.]

  3. Style is nice, still a bit Nick-heavy: thorough, analytical, descriptive. I suspect it might be enjoyable in short amounts (like these excerpts) and tad too intense when reading whole chapter. But then again Dan Simmons is even more wordy and I couldn’t get my hands off his books. At first I wanted to suggest “more action!” but zatara’s idea seems much better – to include more of your thoughts as this is book about you. And I can assume that people reading it will be more interested of what’s in your head than sophisticated descriptions of foreign cities.

    Language it’s not over the top nor too elaborate and that’s all I can say about that being non-native speaker. [I want to stress this is a memoir, not a textbook. If people aren’t interested in my stories, they won’t want a memoir. K.]

  4. You definitely have a “voice” that is distinctly yours. Following the blog for the last 5 years I’m familiar with it enough to say I believe I could genuinely recognise your prose on any topic and pick you out of a lineup of other writers. That’s a good thing. It means you’re likely writing authentically and naturally (Jabba would approve I’m sure!). I happen to like your writing style but here’s a suggestion:

    Write it the way you currently are and then go and read a random chapter of The Game by Neil Strauss. I know the book is dated but there’s a reason that book was absolutely huge. Yeah the subject matter was fascinating and the timing was right and etc etc. However, the style of writing was VERY easy to read. Stylistically, that book could have been a convoluted disaster but it wasn’t. It was written by a pro writer who knows his craft very well. It was over dramatised and exaggerated here and there (not saying that’s necessary for you to do) but it was nonetheless extremely well written. It flowed well – simple, succinct language and was very engrossing and exciting, especially to a young man discovering this “secret society” world for the first time. It was all so thrilling and made you want to keep turning pages. It appealed to all sorts of guys reading it.

    I know your memoirs are much more technical and nuanced and high level but if you can make it flow in the same easy reading manner as that book, while not sacrificing or “dumbing down” the content, that’s a perfect balance in my opinion. I suspect you may be writing this as a self-indulgent exercise in documenting your adventures, but the more appealing you can make it the the layman the better the chance you have of selling more copies and making some cash. Keep the mental masturbation for the blog and write a STORY. Do it right and it could become an underground hit. I doubt it’ll be a The Game 2.0 smash hit as it’s too high level but a well written yet still somewhat accessible book on a subject matter that every guy cares about, whether they want to admit it or not could still strike a chord and do well.

    It’s a lot harder than you might imagine to do though. Dipping in to Strauss’s book here and there at random chapters to see how he is developing the story and get a feel for how he story-tells might be a good way to walk the line between highbrow and pleasant and page-turning.

    Just a thought. Looking forward to the release. [I agree except for one thing – money. I think I could write something of that quality and prose if I went through two more rewrites. It’s really not so tough. However this book is already a timesink that will earn me considerably less than minimum wage for the time spent on it. I can’t justify it from a business perspective. What I might do a few years down the line is come back to the whole series and rewrite the entire 500k words down to a single 120k volume. But that’s way off. K.]

    • Yeah that sounds like a good plan. Nobody would buy a 500k mammoth (well, except for your regular readers here). But if you had a 500k memoir and got a top class editor to whittle it down to a compelling 120k that would be one hell of a book. With the right marketing strategy it could do well. At least in an underground hit sort of way – I don’t expect to see Nick Krauser pimping his new book on Loose Women anytime soon. Your political views and Twitter shenanigans unfortunately exclude you from the whole mainstream book tour pimping circuit I suspect. Nevermind. Get the memoirs finished and your blog readers will propel you to the glorious heights of minimum wage breakeven glory 🙂

  5. One stylistic point: I don’t believe the “Syrians” were literally talking “about all the … white women they’d rape”. (If they were, you should expand on their words to make the reality clear.) I suggest writing “fuck” or “ravish” instead of “rape”, and trusting your readers’ intelligence to read between the lines. Your use of “rape” struck me as pushing too hard on an interpretation that would be more effective if you subtly implied it.

    • +1 to that suggestion. It may well be rape, but bizarrely it isn’t in THEIR minds. Show, don’t tell. Implicitly suggest rather than explicitly state. We’re nitpicking here Nick but but that’s necessary if you want to get as close to perfection as you can. These subtle changes make all the difference between excellent and merely pretty good. [Sure. I appreciate the input. K.]

    • I know how to separate out the rapers: let’s take advantage of rape accusing culture and white knighting and the rapers all in one fell swoop:

      -trot out a couple of Girl-UFC fighter types in tight sexy minis and let them walk through the areas where these culturally sanctioned rapist guys congregate, as bait

      -follow them with a van full of their men UFC buddies behind them, just out of sight with a dash cam, of course

      -As soon as the girls get attacked let them invite the initial move by the rapers and then take the initial few swings while the guys empty out of the fan and take care of the bunch while, of course, holding them for the police so they get the best of both worlds: a beating and getting arrested. Should be good fun for those guys. Someone should fund that kind of operation.

      Welcome to Europe, cultural & religiously sanctioned rapers

      +

      The excerpts are perfect size to read at the desk during the workday – thanks for the public service & setting the scene. [Then let me take another bite out of your day with #3 K.]

  6. Keep writing ur stories they crack me up

  7. One specific thing, just at the end. You say you are waiting for Tom to show up, and you describe his first four days there. Then suddenly he’s already arrived, sat down with you, ordered food, and is wiping peppercorn sauce from his face. It’s a little jarring given the initial image one has in one’s head of you sat there thinking about Tom to have him suddenly teleport in there sauce and all.

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