At a talk I gave yesterday for the LSS I briefly went into that I consider the basic phases of a man’s journey through game. Namely:
Beginner’s Hell —-> Adventure —-> Maturity
So in the beginning everything is new and exciting but you have all kinds of problems. The psychology of unplugging from the matrix is complex and difficult because you have such a strong ego investment in your AFC ways. Most guys get enough ego payoff from their existing (mostly unsuccessful) attitudes that they can reframe themselves away from making any changes. Rollo Tomassi is probably the best writer on this topic. It’s not until a guy hits rock bottom and his ego is completely crushed by life events (such as my divorce) that he faces up to the reality that the current way isn’t getting him the life he wants.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result
So during the beginner’s hell phase you can have a swirling cocktail of thoughts and emotions. Your ego is trying to trap you into giving up and falling back into comfortable AFC patterns, your social circle is trying to put you back into your cage, you get constant bad feedback from girls because by approaching you have removed your buffers against rejection and suddenly discover you’re far less talented that you’d tricked yourself to believe, you have existential doubt from being unable to distinguish between good and bad advice….. fuck me the pain period is tough.
If you make it through (most don’t) things begin to click and you start having adventures. This is a really fun stage. You start pulling off stunts you’d have never thought possible, like same day lays or banging your first stripper. For the first time your identity changes and your subconscious begins to accept you can be the guy who is good with women. The biggest risk in this stage is turning to the Dark Side. Like a fatty discovering his first pie, the frequent-but-irregular payout of external validation and hedonistic pleasure becomes addictive. It’s easy to let your life slide and become Mr SNL or Mr Daygame. If you have an addictive or compulsive personality, you’ll suddenly find your whole life dedicated to the hunt for pussy.
Hopefully, you’ll eventually progress to the stage of Maturity. Banging women is put back into perspective with everthing else in life. You start to realise that this newfound power you have can be used for both good and bad, that it can mess up your life as well as the mess up the girls. I can’t write too much about this stage because I’m still bumbling through it myself. I have my ideas, but that’s all they are.
A blog I’ve recently started reading gives lots of advice for guys looking to transition from Adventure to Maturity. I’ve just read his post on attachment theory which, though it’s basically a restatement of the A-level textbook, offers some good insight to self diagnose what risks you specific to your situation. I liked this quote:
“For instance, a man may be more or less secure, get married to an anxious type, bring her up to a more secure level, but when they run into money trouble she falls back to her anxious level, cheats on him and then divorces him for all of his money, sending him into a tailspin of avoidance. He goes on to ignore intimacy and pump-and-dump women for the next 10 years, afraid to become intimate with any of them.”
That would be me if I stayed in the Adventure stage (in spirit, not specific details, my wife wasn’t a cheater or divorce-thief). He also links to an online test of your attachment type. Take the test. The goal is to transform yourself into a low-anxiety / secure man. If you score as “dismissive avoidant” you’ll ruin a generation of women while feeling empty and unhappy. If you score “fearful avoidant” you’ll likely regress into solitude and not approaching. The “preoccupied” quadrant suggests you are likely to get repeated oneitis and no matter how successful you become at getting girls, they’ll always ruin you.
Here’s how I scored. Three years ago I’d have been strongly dismissive-avoidant.
* Another good blog is Roosh. He doesn’t conceptualise his journey into these stages but over the past 2 years you can see, in the subtext, his gradual transition from Adventure to Maturity
May 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm
I have sertainly hit bottom. I’m not doing great on the climb back up, not only are my opportunities a bit limited, I still have a LOT of the wrong reflexes. That’s where the next big change I need to make is, getting over my “nice guy” habits. Of course, I don’t want to get rid of all of them, personal success through tearing down everyone I come into contact with is unacceptable to me.
May 6, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Reading through the back catalog of your posts, you started off with a lot of adventures and now you’ve moved onto more insightful posts about inner game and developed, although already present in the earlier writing, even more of a ‘be a better man’ vibe. A vibe I totally agree with, I know too many guys who feel they don’t have control of who they are. Maybe some circumstances are beyond your control but you can be who are in any environment(This is a loose point, off the top of my head i can think of enough examples where this isn’t true, but in the less extremal social environments that most people live in it is).
I’m only a young guy, 21, and am just starting to hit the adventure point, but mostly probably still in beginner hell (but there’s fun to be had in hell). Got myself an adventure around Europe planned this summer where I’m hoping i can return, knackered but full of stories. If there’s anywhere you’d recommend to stop off along the way (planning to do a lap of mainland europe by car from getting off the boat in Calais heading across to Lativa and back) then let me know.
May 7, 2012 at 4:36 am
Matt, you don’t have to stop being a nice guy. The world needs all the nice guys it can get. But what game teaches you (among many other things) is that attraction triggers in women are often the opposite of your (OK, our) nice-guy instincts. Lesson – learn those triggers and how to exploit them. Contrast is your friend. I use my bad-boy-on-a-bike persona to generate interest; when they later find out that I’m a respected STEM professor at a USN&WR-ranked private college, they’re hooked. The opposite works as well; for a date with a cute lawyer that met me through my professional life I showed up on the bike with a spare leather jacket. It’s like magic!
May 8, 2012 at 7:35 am
I have to agree with Jake, lately your posts seems to be heading into a direction of being a better man and I am enjoy it greatly. The line where you said “you’ll suddenly find your whole life dedicated to the hunt for pussy.” that seriously describes me about a few months back. I guess I did have a compulsive personality. However I took Landmark Education which helped to get me into the maturity phase as you describe it and I choose to be in a committed relationship.
Thank you once again for a great post as usual.
May 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm
Hmm scored mostly dismissive… Guess I am just annoyed by close relationships. Lol somehow ironic I never was close to anyone, except my grandfather. Lessons to the future parents out there: Thats what happens when u learn that your parents are good for nothings u cant depend on at an early age 😉
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May 14, 2012 at 8:18 pm
@GW I’m the same, get on pretty well with people, can kill it as a salesmen with quick rapport building but don’t like talking about my problems. I don’t like giving away my weaknesses for free even if it feels therapeutic at the time, regret it afterwards.
But relationships with other people are important, don’t have to open up your soul, but i got a couple of guys I know i can rely on if i’m in the shit and that will say if i’m getting particularly self destructive.
Btw this is jake, who wrote above, trying out new nicknames to settle on one.
May 21, 2012 at 8:57 am
Well. I’m not sure what to think about it. I scored some where near your score, but I know I’m not there! I know I should be some where low anxiety/high avoidance part. Did I overscored? I will just take it as a complement to build up even more confidence and will keep working on myself untill I will feel I do belong there.
It’s a great blog. Keep it going mate!
June 3, 2012 at 5:03 am
Krauser your the MAN – SALUTE !
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