I’m convinced I’m a fucking chimpanzee. I’ll explain. It’s a commonly quoted statistic, true or not, that we humans share 95% of our DNA with our long-armed hairy tea-making brethren (and no, i don’t mean Johnny Wisdom). So why is it that humans built civilisation, landed on the moon and have tiny plastic devices that send words and images around the world whereas chimps are sitting in cages flinging their shit at each other. Or wearing suits and making cups of tea?

Clearly the 5% of DNA we don’t share is of paramount importance.

I think that’s where I am with my game. The fundamentals are there, the behaviours are there and I’m doing essentially the same thing as the top day gamers when I’m in set. However, I’m not banging anywhere near as many girls as I ought to be. I’m metaphorically just flinging my shit around. So I have to figure out that remaining critical 5% and integrate it. Thus I’ve booked in a 1-on-1 with a guy who is touted as London’s best pick up artist. We’ll see how that goes.

The missing 5% really smarted on my day 2 with the Japanese 2 set. I did a ten minute pick up last Saturday but more or less wrote it off when they said they were going home a day later. I get lucky and a volcano erupts in Iceland covering Europe in a blanket of dust. I swear there wasn’t this much dust over Europe since the Jews were hiding under floorboards. So the girls’ flight is delayed. On Tuesday at midnight I get a call from Sakae saying she wants to meet (that’s the one on the left in the video with the hair tied back and no fringe). Hmmmm. They are doing a day trip to Bath on Wednesday but we make a date for Thursday evening. She asks if she can bring her friend Midori and I say I’ll bring along Suave. They will fly home on Friday so this is looking 50/50 for a lay.

I put on my best clobber and meet them on Oxford Street at half six, with Suave turning up later. Language is strained because they barely speak English. Fortunately my Japanese carries it and I lead them off to the milkshake bar. Things progress nicely as I DHV, tease and put them at ease. We move on to a nearby pub and I give some statements of interest to Sakae and get them to spin around while I rate their fashion out of ten. Like the delightful Japanese girls they are, they are giggling, batting eyelids and doing a show of demure girlish femininity that far outpaces anything an English-speaking girl can manage. I’m reminded why I went through a ten-year stretch of banging nothing but Japanese during my twenties. As much as I’ve been discovering the delights of Eastern Europeans and Mediterraneans I’ve definitely still got the Japs at number one on the world bangability rankings.

We move on to a nearby pub and by now I’ve clearly shown different eye contact and vocal tone with the target. Suave shows up and within five minutes he’s sitting hand in hand with Midori and she’s touching him and giggling with that heady exuberance of a girl in the presence of a man she believes is her superior. Despite sitting next to them, Sakae and I are in isolation. We’re also hand in hand, her leg is thrown over mine and the eye contact is crackling with sexuality. I’m thinking this is close to a done deal. We bounce to a members bar (where the staff must be really wondering about me, cos I show up a couple of times a week with a different hot girl every time). I have Sakae on my sofa and Suave has Midori on his. We might as well be in different venues. I kino escalate on Sakae while across from me Suave and Midori are overcoming the language barrier with childish magic tricks and other body language. It’s cute to watch because Midori is loving it, desperate to fuck, and turning on all the girlish charm she can muster. I get Sakae out into the lobby and try the kiss close.

Rebuffed! She apologies, says she’s got a boyfriend in Japan (true – I saw photos of them as she was skipping through her digital camera). I try to defuse it and try again. Still rebuffed. The forebrain/hindbrain conflict is going on because she remains hugging me, shows no sign of wanting to disengage, pupils dilating, but she just won’t kiss. I walk her back into the lounge and Suave has kissed Midori and they are now oh-so-subtley rubbing each other’s crotches underneath a cushion placed over their laps. We stay there another hour and I get rebuffed on another two kiss attempts but its all good natured. Finally at 10pm they leave cos they are getting an early flight. We walk them back to the station and that’s that.

I think if my game had been a little tighter, or if I’d had one more date, then this would’ve been an f-close regardless of the boyfriend. Her forebrain was only just barely holding back the roar of her pussy tingle and her self resolve was fading minute by minute. Oh well, live and learn. I’ve got a Day 2 with a different Jap tomorrow evening.