Oh my god…. I can’t believe it! Nick has written a directly-practical post without any mental masturbation……

Lampost
Imagine you’re walking out of Venue Two on your first date. You’ve already regaled your girl with funny stories and interesting takes on historical events so she’s been giggling. Her hand went soft when you inspected her nail polish and now as you walk down the street perhaps she’s “accidently” bumping into you. It sounds like the kiss is on, but she hasn’t quite put herself into position.

Perhaps the venue seating arrangements screwed you. Your favourite booth in the corner was taken so you ended up sitting opposite each other in rickety chairs with a coffee table between you. You tried pulling her in a little and she didn’t seem to take the hint. Hmmmmmm. What to do? You have to make your move before the window closes and you stall out. Time for a gambit.

Pick a visible feature on the street about twenty metres away. A lampost, a letter box, a shop front. Whatever. Then as you’re comfortably walking side by side, point at it.

You: Can you see that letter box over there?
Her: Where?
You: There, the red one.
Her: Yes
You: When we get there, I’m going to kiss you.

Her reaction doesn’t matter. Maybe she giggles and goes red. Maybe she goes silent. Maybe she pushes back with “no you won’t”. None of that matters. You are Making Your Move so you must follow through. It doesn’t matter if you actually get the kiss, it matters that you were ballsy and calm about going for it.

Don’t rush. Perhaps deliberately go silent as you walk, letting her head spin with anticipation. Don’t babble. If she seemed playfully receptive then make a joke out of taking your sweet time. Fasten your shoelace, check out a shop window – so she knows you’re deliberately dragging out the moment.

And once you arrive at the letter box, turn her to face you, tilt up her chin with your fingertip, and kiss her.

GoogleTranslate
I’ve spent a lot of time honing my girl-doesn’t-speak-English first dates. It’s really not as tough as it sounds so long as you have wi-fi and GoogleTranslate app on your phone. So imagine you’re sitting back in a lounge chair in the dark upstairs room of a cafe. She’s on the seat next to you. She seems to like you and the physical escalation has been all amber or green lights, but the verbal escalation is clumsy.

You’ve already written “I like your eyes. Big and crazy, like a raccoon” which got a giggle. What now? You’re in seperate seats with big arm-rests. Even if she wanted to, she can’t put herself into position for the kiss. But she’s perched on the edge of her seat while you lounge in yours. When you leaned in to tell a story she never retreated to maintain distance. Ok, it’s probably on. How to bridge the gap?

Hold up your finger in the “wait a minute, I want to say something” manner and then type into your phone:

“I’m going to kiss you in thirty seconds”

Look playfully serious, like you are choosing your words carefully. Be patient. Then hit Translate and hand her the phone. She’ll likely give a deer-in-headlights look. Hold your frame. Look peaceably at her and don’t fidget or fill the gap. She’ll start typing. Something like:

“I hesitate”

Take the phone back, and with a thoughtful expression type:

“20 seconds”

Let her stew. Don’t say anything. Be calm, like the oak tree. Then type “10 seconds” and show her that.

Finally, sit up on your chair and take her hands. Put them over your shoulders and pull her in for the kiss.

These two gambits are easy and yet appear super-ballsy. She gets to experience your sense of purpose and direction, while also getting precious delicious moments of anticipation.