* These routines are only for use after you’ve banged a girl and they are designed to help acquire and maintain hand in the relationship. The goal is not to have the girl crack up laughing but instead to have her accept her subordinated position. You do this while having fun *

4. This is my side
Description: Literally putting the girl in her place. You are the man who likes to do things a certain way and she is going to fit in with that.

Use: This is good for anytime you are walking down the street, lying in bed, watching tv or any other situation in which you can claim a preferred position out of the two available to you even if it’s for no good reason. Without asking permission move her or tell her that she’s got your place and you are taking it back.

Examples:

– You are both about to sit down in a Starbucks. “Wait. That’s my chair. You sit here” and take the chair she was going to use.
– Walking down the street you just move her to the other side of you (e.g. if she’s walking on your right, bodily move her to your left side while you maintain your line) then say “I prefer this side”

5. Don’t worry
Description: Inspired by the SS prison guards in Sven Hassel novels who told prisoners not to worry about being executed because it would all be over quickly and the guards would still get home in time for dinner. You are telling the girl that she is expendable and what happens to you is far more important than what happens to her, but the joke is that you aren’t supposed to tell her but do anyway.

Use: Exaggerate a situation which could potentially get out of control and hurt the girl then say “don’t worry, if [something goes wrong] ….. [pause where she expects you to finish with a white knighting statement] I’ll just find a new girl. It’ll be fine”

Example:

– I did this one this morning while my girl was cooking breakfast and I could smell a bit of gas after she had trouble lighting the hob: “I smell gas. Don’t worry. If it explodes and kills you I’ll just get another girl. It’ll be fine.”
– Girl calls to say she might be late for the date cos the boss is keeping her back at the office: “Don’t worry. If you’re late I’ll just get another girl. It’ll be fine.”

6. Grunts and shoves
Description: This is how you caveman in a relationship. Just think “how would a caveman act” if language was yet to be invented. You are taking what you want.

Use: Ultimately you should be reducing all your communication to a series of grunts, pushes and shoves. When you are hanging out in your house doing nothing in particular, say you both just got out of bed on a Sunday morning.

Example:

– When you walk past her on the way to the shower give her a hip bump that knocks her over onto the bed
– When you want a cup of coffee, grab the coffee mug next to you, hold it out expectantly and grunt until she takes it and makes the coffee. When she comes back reward her with a happy grunt and smile.

7. Important person coming
Description: I first figured this out when my girl was cleaning her teeth at the kitchen sink and I wanted to fill up a glass of water using the same cold water tap. I moved her to one side, filled up my water, then moved her back and walked away without a word. The subcommunication is “I am the important person here. When we both want the same thing, I go first.”

Use: You go first, she waits until you’re done.

Example:

– In a shop queue, the staff are about to take her order, you step in front of her and say “I’m first. This girl is happy to wait” and then order. Remember it’s playful and obvious you are both together.

8. It’s okay to be wrong
Description: About 8 years ago I stumbled across this one. In Japanese TV panel shows the celebrity guests often have a table-tennis paddle type thing that has a green circle on one side (“yes”) and a red cross on the other (“no”) which they hold up to answer questions. I made one for my girlfriend to use when we were discussing things and I wrote a few words on each side:

Green Side: Yes, I AGREE. Please teach me more
Red Side: I know I’m probably wrong but I DISAGREE. Please correct me

She had a lot of fun using it because obviously it subcommunicates that I’m always right.

Use: A shorter form version of this routine is that whenever a girl disagrees with you give her a condescending look and say “That’s okay. Really. It’s okay for you to be wrong. I still like you.” Don’t rebut her point, don’t get drawn into logic and evidence. Just smile reassuringly like she’s a child who will eventually figure out why she’s wrong and you will stand by her till she figures it out.

This last one is fine to use early on, before the f-close.

Chick Crack 1 is here. The inspiration comes from Assasnova‘s e-book of the same name. In all of these routines you have a playful vibe but a deadpan delivery – she knows you well enough now to know you are just messing around. Do not do these things seriously.