Throughout my life, I’d always known I was surrounded by a bunch of wankers but now it has literally come to pass. I’m the only clean-minded individual around these parts. One of my friends recently developed a strain of chlamydia so bad that it spread to his knees and ankles, putting him on crutches in Dickensian fashion . In figuring out who he’d contracted it from, he was only able to narrow it down to three particularly unsavoury tarts. Another of my friends recently ended a cycle of Human Growth Hormone, then we went on the lash in Antwerp whereupon not only did he out-drink me quite prodigiously, but he invigorated himself with ample cocaine. When that was gone he flagged down two passing vibrants and cadged some kind of gas- the street name of which escapes me- that is snorted from a balloon.
I dunno, when did I become the paragon of clean living? Compared to such shenanigans, sitting at home reading a book a day comes off as positively boring.
Anyway, pre-amble aside I wanted to offer some thoughts on how my No Fap has been going. I initially opted for a Hard Reset, meaning no porn, no fap, and no sex. It may surprise you that of the three, my only lapse was in the sex – I banged an old flame who stopped off in Newcastle on her way to visit a friend in Scotland. Does that mean I reset the Hard Reset clock to zero?
Of course not! We all know that re-treads are not notches and therefore don’t count as real sex. This is established PUA orthodoxy. Phew!
So, five weeks/35 days of precious little stimulation. What’s it been like?
Rather good, I’d say. My attention span continues to lengthen and I get decreasingly distracted by sex-related thoughts. I do find sexual desire bubbling up multiple times a day, usually triggered by a line or two in a book I’m reading, but I don’t feed it and it dissipates within about five minutes, fifteen at the outside. In my daygame days I’d deliberately nurture such bubblings in order to spur me to seductive action whereas nowadays I take the opposite route, dampening down the urges and distracting myself with other things until they disappear.
I’ve found the sexual appetite is absolutely not a NEED. You try going without food and water, you’ll discover what need really means. The sexual urge simply comes and goes. I can see how monks could go decades without acting upon that urge.
Strangely, I’m reminded of a reader’s letter in Viz magazine . It went something along the lines of: “It is medically-proven that the adult male must discharge semen through ejaculation every two weeks, whether through sex or masturbation. So, Cliff Richard, which is it?” Obviously, that was written for comic effect and there’s likely no such medical consensus. However, I’d always assumed the sex urge was like holding your breath underwater: at some point, you will come up for breath. I can say from 35 day’s experience, this isn’t true. It comes and goes. It doesn’t build up if you fail to act upon it.
I did have one minor lapse that surprised me. I was checking my torrents folder on my desktop, after many months away from it. There was a Japanese porno I’d downloaded from JAVJunkies about a year ago taking up 5GB of harddrive space. Wishing to free up space, but curious, I decided to skip through it to see if I definitely wanted to delete it. I’m calling that a lapse because I should’ve just deleted it sight-unseen.
Anyway, I watch the opening credits (non-sexual scene setting) and remember, “Ah, this one was a bit shite, no wonder I forgot it”. I click on the timeline, quickly scanning across the ninety minute run time and I realise something odd: it’s considerably more interesting now than it was a year ago. Having grown unaccustomed to lust and sexual stimulation, landing on the middle of a sex scene was like taking a line of cocaine. My brain lit right up and relatively mediocre tarts engaged in relatively badly-staged scenes were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.
So I closed the media player and deleted it.
I thus conclude that my brain chemistry is in fact changing. Spending time away from lustful thoughts and entertainments does indeed settle a man down.
 Jimmy and I felt terrible mocking him for that, but we didn’t stop.
 To date, the funniest periodical ever printed.