The prize for dirtiest cunts in history is claimed, without shadow of a doubt, by the Mongols. For about three hundred years up until 1400 they ravaged an entire continent from the Pacific in the east to the Mediterranean to the west. All they did was kill. It’s really quite eye-opening.

They started out as nomadic herders on the steppes of northern Asia and although many such tribes would cause havoc, it was the Mongols who reigned supreme thanks to the military genius of Genghis, Kublai and a couple of other Khans. I actually read this volume two months ago [1] so rather than trying to recall the details, I’ll just convey my lasting impressions from the book.

Firstly, the Mongols had a unique set of skills that happened to match the times perfectly to aid their supremacy. They didn’t have a general brilliance, or they wouldn’t all be smelly goat herders now. It’s like they were always destined to be living in tents and ekeing out a living on the steppe and then a strange confluence of events conspired to make them empire builders for a brief flash of history.

So, what skills?

The Mongols lived in the saddle and everything about them matched this demand. As young boys they became expert horseman and mounted archers. Their re-curved bow was made of layered and lacquered hide and wood that was a far more advanced technology than even the English longbows of the era. The Mongols could ride fast and fire quickly and accurately.

Being nomadic, there was no supply train distinct from their warriors. Thus the supplies could move as fast as the troops and they didn’t need a base. Thus the Mongols could travel en masse without dividing forces or leaving a vulnerable homeland. They’d invade before the invadees were ready for them, the horde arriving almost as fast as the news they were coming.

Strong tribal loyalties and the wild nomad’s code of honour made them very reliable in battle and far less prone to all the pre- and mid-battle defections that often lost the Byzantines, Persians, and Mamluks their own battles before swords were crossed.

Mongols also had little interest in establishing a civil administration to maintain their empire. They’d show up, conquer, loot, then move on. It was difficult to pin them down. This meant the empire’s didn’t survive the deaths of the leaders but while they were alive, they were formidable.

But fucking hell what a bunch of utter cunts!

The Mongols would regularly massacre entire cities, sack them, then burn them to the ground. They’d devise all kinds of cruel tortures and were fond of stacking skulls into mountains outside city walls. The last great Mongol leader, Timurlane, was especially viscious. He once accepted a city’s surrender after promising the defenders no blood would be shed…. and then buried them all alive under and inside the city walls. No doubt he thought he was being witty by not breaking the letter of his promise. So I was pleased to hear he died painfully of illness while on his way to invade China.

About the only silver lining to the Mongol curse is they mostly fought other Muslims, such as the Ottomans [2] and only rarely fought Christians (the Armenians and Georgians getting the shit end of that stick). Just as in the modern day, who really gives a fuck what’s going on in the Middle East? Not me [3]

It wasn’t until the National Socialists of Germany and the International Socialists of Russia, China and Cambodia came along that the Mongols had a serious rival to their title of History’s Biggest Cunts. Fascinating reading. These were brutal times.

If you’d like to know more about some of history’s biggest cunts consider trying my memoir series when my friends and I go reaving through Europe smelling just as bad as the Mongols and drinking twice as much beer.

[1] And didn’t get round to reviewing it due to a backlog
[2] Also utter cunts.
[3] Not quite true. I’m very interested in what Mohammad bin Salman is doing in Saudi Arabia