#48 – The Mongol Conquests, Time Life BOOK REVIEW

June 3, 2018

The prize for dirtiest cunts in history is claimed, without shadow of a doubt, by the Mongols. For about three hundred years up until 1400 they ravaged an entire continent from the Pacific in the east to the Mediterranean to the west. All they did was kill. It’s really quite eye-opening.

John Brenna

A different dirty Muslim anti-Western cunt, yesterday

They started out as nomadic herders on the steppes of northern Asia and although many such tribes would cause havoc, it was the Mongols who reigned supreme thanks to the military genius of Genghis, Kublai and a couple of other Khans. I actually read this volume two months ago [1] so rather than trying to recall the details, I’ll just convey my lasting impressions from the book.

Firstly, the Mongols had a unique set of skills that happened to match the times perfectly to aid their supremacy. They didn’t have a general brilliance, or they wouldn’t all be smelly goat herders now. It’s like they were always destined to be living in tents and ekeing out a living on the steppe and then a strange confluence of events conspired to make them empire builders for a brief flash of history.

So, what skills?


Shouldn’t you be cooking, woman?

The Mongols lived in the saddle and everything about them matched this demand. As young boys they became expert horseman and mounted archers. Their re-curved bow was made of layered and lacquered hide and wood that was a far more advanced technology than even the English longbows of the era. The Mongols could ride fast and fire quickly and accurately.

Being nomadic, there was no supply train distinct from their warriors. Thus the supplies could move as fast as the troops and they didn’t need a base. Thus the Mongols could travel en masse without dividing forces or leaving a vulnerable homeland. They’d invade before the invadees were ready for them, the horde arriving almost as fast as the news they were coming.

Strong tribal loyalties and the wild nomad’s code of honour made them very reliable in battle and far less prone to all the pre- and mid-battle defections that often lost the Byzantines, Persians, and Mamluks their own battles before swords were crossed.


Let them in. Don’t be racist!

Mongols also had little interest in establishing a civil administration to maintain their empire. They’d show up, conquer, loot, then move on. It was difficult to pin them down. This meant the empire’s didn’t survive the deaths of the leaders but while they were alive, they were formidable.

But fucking hell what a bunch of utter cunts!

The Mongols would regularly massacre entire cities, sack them, then burn them to the ground. They’d devise all kinds of cruel tortures and were fond of stacking skulls into mountains outside city walls. The last great Mongol leader, Timurlane, was especially viscious. He once accepted a city’s surrender after promising the defenders no blood would be shed…. and then buried them all alive under and inside the city walls. No doubt he thought he was being witty by not breaking the letter of his promise. So I was pleased to hear he died painfully of illness while on his way to invade China.

About the only silver lining to the Mongol curse is they mostly fought other Muslims, such as the Ottomans [2] and only rarely fought Christians (the Armenians and Georgians getting the shit end of that stick). Just as in the modern day, who really gives a fuck what’s going on in the Middle East? Not me [3]

It wasn’t until the National Socialists of Germany and the International Socialists of Russia, China and Cambodia came along that the Mongols had a serious rival to their title of History’s Biggest Cunts. Fascinating reading. These were brutal times.

Mongol conquests

If you’d like to know more about some of history’s biggest cunts consider trying my memoir series when my friends and I go reaving through Europe smelling just as bad as the Mongols and drinking twice as much beer.

[1] And didn’t get round to reviewing it due to a backlog
[2] Also utter cunts.
[3] Not quite true. I’m very interested in what Mohammad bin Salman is doing in Saudi Arabia


  1. I read that in the 100 years after Genghis Khan, China’s population dwindled to 10% of its previous level. Perhaps the Black Death would have taken more lives of the Mongols hadn’t already taken them.

  2. There’s a podcast on iTunes called “Hardcore History” and one of my favourite series is called “The Wrath of the Khans” basically retelling what you read in epic fashion. Dan Carlin is such a masterful and captivating storyteller too. Would highly recommend for anyone who is interested in this topic. [Nice one. K.]

  3. Possibly one other silver lining was the ‘Pax Mongolica’, something noted by Ian Morris in ‘War: What Is It Good for?’ (and by the less reliable Savitri Devi, who propagates the bizarre myth that Genghis Khan was a red-headed, blue-eyed Nordic). Once they conquered a region, after the initial violence the Mongols tended to make it safe for merchants to travel along the breadth of their empire. Marco Polo is probably the most prominent that springs to mind.

    So it enabled a lot of East-West trade (including bringing prototypical firearms to Europe, which they would soon perfect) … but also the Black Death. Swings and roundabouts I guess. [Traitors who bang on about the curse of Western Colonialism are always silent about Eastern Colonialism, especially that they brought us a disease far more destructive than the Spaniards ever gave the Americas. K.]

  4. Hi Nick, I feel like I’m finally being a higher value man on my journey. I stopped a Serbian girl in London and she was enamoured by my geographical and cultural erudition of Serbia etc. Sure she wasn’t available but is this what being a high value man will feel like in the future for me? (Just turned 27). I feel like my value is growing. Exciting times.

  5. hey Krauser, you’ve written a bit on the blog about how you enjoy Robert Howards books. I was wondering what you made of Game of Thrones, the books if youve read them and HBO series? Its funny because adventure / fantasy always seemed the preserve of a certain niche (usually a certain type of young male geek which includes myself), however I hear people talking about Game of Thrones all over the place, it seems to have strangely crossed into the mainstream, with women who are not usually big fans of the genre being hooked on the television series.

    My own thoughts on the series is that Martin has whacked all sorts of things into the mix pulling on numerous sources. Its almost as if every theme in the genre has been thrown in. As Im writing my own fantasy novel its a little frustrating that any theme or idea you may have seems to be in GoT so it looks like you’re ripping off the work whatever road you choose to take. Perhaps its good as it encourages originality? [I originally decided to avoid GoT books because the TV adaptation was so good. I’d rather spend reading time on an un-adapted series. Then later my brother read them all and said they are enjoyable but completely forgetable. Lastly, I decided to avoid the nihilism. K.]

    • (1) I’ve been stacking GoT with women for years now. I think they like it because of the series first. The hot guys there draw them in. That’s what women like: hot guys. And if they’re bad ass, even better.

      (2) You have the wrong idea about originality in writing. It’s about resonance and familiarity. That is much more powerful that “originality” because people care about things they are familiar with and about themselves and people who remind them of themselves and their own lives much more than fantastic characters that are un-relatable to them.

      Will you disagree with point 2? Of course. But I direct you first to reading this short book:

      David Farland – Drawing on the Power of Resonance in Writing

      David Farland did a study of books that get a cult like following and found what they did was the opposite of originality. What they focused on is relate-ability: everything in such books, including Lord of The Rings, was taken from things that were familiar in people’s lives at the time then added a fantasy spin to them. So it was full of “brand new clichés”.

      It’s a great book. Short and to the point. Talks about successful writing in general and also addressed fantasy. I recommend you read it Zatara.

      • I actually really like GoT, brilliant overarching plot themes but the detail is a messy at times. Also the often mentioned shock value criticism is valid ie events put in just for shock values sake. However thats what the US public likes … so Martin gives it to them with both barrels.

        Good advice. Most themes are repeated, you are right, its how you put it together. Like a piece of music the harmonies are all the same but the arrangement creates a new effect. This has given me fresh motivation to get back into my draft and carry on writing.

        Ill have a read of that book. Thanks for the tip. Z

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