Fat girls are like lamposts to me. I don’t notice them unless I happen to walk into one by accident. They are just part of the furniture. The same goes with women over thirty – I just don’t really see them. They are like blurry silhouettes walking past me. It was only a few days ago that I learned Post-Wall women actually have personalities, hopes, dreams and all that kind of stuff.

Bloody hell! Really?

So presumeably fatties, uglies and oldies have a sex drive too. Hmmmmm. I wonder what they do to satisfy that drive. Obviously it’s not getting satisfied through me. I’d always wondered if fat people find each other attractive, or if sex for them is like us looking at a undercooked 99p Morrisons pizza and deciding “I’m so hungry and I have to eat something.” So I turned to the internet and tried to calculate how many unattractive women are out there getting fucked.

Step 1 – Demographics
These statistics break up the European Union population into age cohorts. Now, these stats aren’t perfect because the age buckets are less than ideal (17-25 and 25-54 is the important split) but we can use it as a rough proxy. Realistically, girls can still be reasonably hot up to 30 years old and except for a couple of indiscretions I think 17 is a bit young for me. Also, presumeably these stats don’t include illegal immigrants but again that’s not relevant because we’ll have hopefully murdered them all soon, removing them from the sampled population.

So, there are 11% of women who are young enough to bother with and old enough to be legal. There are an additional 42% who are young enough to be sexually active but too old to bother with.

Step 2 – Wild Assumptions
Let’s pull a number out of my arse for how many of that 11% group are hot or at least pretty. We’ll make the cut-off a 7/10 because 6s always have an element of shame. Based on my own eyes I’d say about 15% of English 17-25 year olds are fuckable without shame, rising to 25% on the Western half of the continent and then 40% when you go east. I’m not saying “hot”, just good enough that you don’t have a meltdown every time a sex flashback hits you.

So, using my magically statistical skills I’m gonna say 33% of women in Europe aged 17-25 are worth fucking for sport. Apply that to the 11% and we have 3.63% of the total female population are officially Younger-Hotter-Tighter. Let’s be generous and round it up to 4%

Step 3 – The Chilling Truth
The inverse conclusion is that 96% of the women having sex in the European Union are not above the “shame” level. There are varying degrees of shame between a plain-looking 19yr old butterface all the way down to a green-haired landwhale eating her 36th birthday cake, or the basement level of a 53yr old ex-hippy using Guardian Soulmates to temporarily dampen the cries of her barren womb. But only 4% of the sexually active population is YHT.

Let’s apply that to the next time you hear a lurid sex story from a friend or on the internet when no evidence is offered about the quality of the girl. What’s the likelihood she’s one of the 4%?

Step 4 – The Preening Joy
You really don’t need to be feeling jealous that everyone is getting laid better than you – statistically, they aren’t. If you compare yourselves to the top players (whether Game-trained or non-community) then of course you’re going to get a feeling of relative poverty. Take solace in the fact that even if you’re only knobbing a couple of 7s a year, you are outperforming probably 96% of men.

Not 96% of young, game-aware men. But the world is full of dweeby, boring chodes servicing unattractive women.