Serbia has been giving me serious blue balls of late. I roll up solo on a Friday evening dragging a suitcase and bad attitude. I love the country but I’m worn out. It’s not until Tom Torero flies in from Istanbul the next day that I rouse myself to do some sets. Over the next three days we are restricted to 7pm-11pm because of weather and footfall but we can still number farm the scorching-hot streets per the Short Foreign Gaming Holiday textbook. I collect something like 15 good numbers and the filtering process begins.

One tall girl goes past and I have the familiar DNA-pull but I think “no way, she’s too hot”. Yes readers I still get that feeling. It’s not She’s-so-hot-I’m-not-worthy jitters but more like She’s-so-hot-it’ll-be-tough. I go in, she hooks, I bounce her for a coffee. I lean back and rattle off some light DHVs while letting my eyes drift away and probing her with rapport questions. It goes well. She’s a dancer and student, typical greyhound high esteem and +100 IQ. For half an hour I’m thinking it’ll be surprisingly plain sailing and then abruptly she gets up, makes apologies and leaves. Strange.

Looking back I think she recognised someone and feared social pressure. Whatever. Text game doesn’t really hit and I don’t see her again.

Tom gets laid on his 2nd and 3rd nights here. I’ll leave the stories for him to tell but from my end I can just feel the competitive urges bubbling away. A week passes and now it’s the next Thursday. My phone is full of good numbers, good text exchanges and I’ve been on a few dates with very attractive women…. but no sex and only two non-commital makeouts. I’m getting jitters. I’ve literally never failed to get laid in Serbia in my previous four trips. The quality is outrageous mixing the best of Slavic long legs / high cheekbones with the best of Turk black hair and fiery eyes. It doesn’t seem right that I’ve got so many hot girls into me and zero sex.

Thursday night is the worst. At 7pm I get a cute little blonde on a second date. I’ve got a side-project to fuck lookalikes of all my favourite mid-90s porn actresses from Private magazine (that’s what I grew up on as a late teenager). I’ve already had Tania Russof, Aliza, Joy, Tabatha Cash, Myrka and Julia Channel. This blonde is a near-double of Gabriella Bond. Tom had sat our student on the next table on the first date and given him a commentary on my date game and the same thing happens this time. Then I bounce her to a park bench and as it gets dark we make out. She’s straddling me grinding my dick and letting me finger her but no sex. Harrumph!

At 10pm I have a first date with a cute skinny brunette. I bounce her to the same park bench and the same grinding, fingering and wanking off ensues with the same lack of sex. It’s now midnight and I walk home alone with blue balls so bad it literally hurts. Tom is sleeping the “I already got laid twice” sleep. Bastard.

Tom heads off on Friday and I’m starting to move towards thinking I should just farm a few more high quality numbers and try to lock them down with a coffee date. Saturday night comes with a second date of the brunette. This time she’s naked on my bed but still won’t fuck. I walk her to the bus stop at midnight then home. Defeated. I will not be getting laid in Serbia.

So I review my phone. Are there any leads? Aha, that tall dancer bird I idated is at a birthday party today. She’s back in contact with me:

Me 23:05 – A good birthday party then 🙂

Her 23:06 – Party is over we are now haveing the afterparty 🙂

Me 23:25 – I think you’ll be sleeping all through Sunday

Her 23:29 – I’m working tomorrow 🙂 what are u doing

Me 23:30 – Last day so just relaxing. When do you finish?

This is where a misunderstanding really helps. Sometimes you get lucky. I’m asking her when she finishes tomorrow so I can set up a coffee date. Wires are crossed and she thinks I’m asking her about tonight.

Her 23:31 – I don’t know, about an hour, two

Me 23:34 – If you’re still in party mood afterwards, let me know 🙂

Her 23:35 – Wana meet me 2night?

Me 23:36 – Sure. I’m staying up late and I have some alcohol!

Her 23:37 – Hahaha. Where?

Me 23:39 – Hotel Moskova and we can go to the park nearby. What time can you get there?

Her 23:50 – [from a different phone] in 5 min. My mobile doesn’t work

Me 23:52 – Ok. See you outside.

I got lucky, no doubt about it. She obviously fancied me from the idate but as I later found out she’d had a couple of dates with a local guy in the interim but disqualified him on “lack of chemistry”. Now she’s been drinking with her girls at a party, talking about boys, and getting horny. She hadn’t been laid in six months. Astute readers will have noticed my 23:34 is a covert booty call and her 23:35 is the acceptance of sex. It was now mine to fuck up.

I hurriedly dress and run down to the Hotel Moskova. She rolls up in high heels and impeccable dress. I double take at how hot she is. Decision time…. do I sit her down for a coffee or do I bounce immediately. I figure the walking momentum is already there so I just walk her to my apartment five minutes away. She naturally refuses to come up so I just pop in to get beers then sit her down on the same park bench as my previous two blue balls episodes.

What follows are high speed nuclear shit tests, including:

• “Those countries you told me you visited. Czech, Serbia, Russia. They are full of easy women. That’s why you go isn’t it?” (I call this the “Latvanian Whore” test – every girl thinks every other girl in her region is a raging slut)
• “I didn’t like your texts. Always talking about eating beef steak. I thought you are a moron.”

I can’t remember them all but it’s a fast barrage. I just stay unreactive and let her burn out. It’s obvious she’s just having a final brain-spazz to derail the train. To seal the deal I drop some intellectual mastery on her because she’s seen Game Of Thrones and Lord Of The Rings so I can pull out my old Cervantes routine. That shuts her the fuck up and I can see the final light turn green. It really is that obvious. She’s now realised I’m both tingly bad boy and TMIMITW. She softly rebuffs two kiss close attempts and then goes for it. I break both kisses first and lean back so she’ll chase me.

Half an hour into the date she’s softly stroking my shoulders. That’s the fuck me signal.

“Let’s get another beer from my house. Or would you prefer wine?”

She says wine and I walk her up into my lounge. From there I just chill, chat for five minutes then let her jump me. The sex is phenomenal as she unleashes six months of horniness onto me. I’m lying on my back watching her rodeo my dick thinking it shouldn’t be so easy to get such a top tier girl. She’s easily one of my five hottest lifetime lays. All I had to do was catch her at the right time and let her talk herself into fucking me. For my part I empty a week’s worth of blue balls onto her face.