I’ve been back out on a few dates lately and in high spirits after a period of utter laziness and apathy with women. Looking back, I think I was overdoing the poker-face / uninvested aura where I’d not say much, move slowly, and make the girls invest. There’s nothing wrong with it but I have more fun when I’m being active and teasing, making the girl giggle, squeal and pout. So the last few dates I shook off the lethargy and dusted off my old Chick Crack mini-routines. These are little pre-scripted routines you can drop into a conversation at opportune moments to give it spice, up the alpha, and hit an attraction spike. Recent ones I used…

1. That’s so cool

Imagine you’re pottering around a shopping mall or market, looking at clothes, accessories and whatnot. Your attention is suddenly taken by something against the far wall. You tap her shoulder and indicate

• Me: “Wow, that’s really cool!”
• Her: “What? What is it?” (comes closer)
• Me: “Oh… no…. it’s just me” (point at reflection, chuckle)

Do that three or four times during the date as you pass reflective surfaces.

2. I know what she’s thinking

You are walking down the street with the girl on your arm or perhaps sitting on an underground carriage with her leaning into you. You notice some passerby looking at you both, perhaps out of curiosity or boredom. You whisper into your girl’s ear:

• Me: “That girl is totally checking us out”
• Her: “Yes, I noticed”
• Me: “I know what she’s thinking. I can tell”
• Her: “What?”
• Me: “She’s thinking how on earth did she find such a cool guy. She’s jealous”

Again rinse repeat several times during the date until it’s a running joke.

3. That’s because you’re a woman

You’ll be in conversation about how your day went, your future plans and so on. Quite naturally she’ll tell you her minor worries such as trying to decide what to get a friend as a birthday present, or completing some application forms for a job. When she verbalises her confusion or anxiety:

• Me: That’s quite understandable really
• Her: Mmm…..
• Me: With you being a woman
• Her: (doesn’t know what you mean)
• Me: And only having a little woman-sized brain. Like a pea. It can’t be easy using it to make decisions

Hold your ground with a frame of cheerful misogyny and give physical comfort like a little squeeze on her hand or shoulder.

4. That spot over there

I’m walking through Camden Market with my Russian girl spouting the usual jibber-jabber about the area such as this place used to be a stables or that place sells good leather jackets. I point out a stall ten metres away.

• Me: Can you see that retro clothes shop over there, with the red and white sign?
• Her: Yes, I think so
• Me: When we get to that shop, I’m going to kiss you

Then take your sweet time getting there, looking at all sorts of tat in the other stalls while she gets impatient for the kiss.

5. I’m tough

Anytime you are describing an experience that involves (mild) fear or pain, such as a horror movie, a rollercoaster ride, stubbing your toe getting out the bath finish with this flourish:

• Me: There were ten of us in the cinema room with all the lights out watching the movie. It was pretty scary
• Her: (listens)
• Me: Well, I wasn’t scared. Obviously. I’m tough. But everyone else was scared. Possibly even crying.

or

• Me: The sparring was quite hard. We did about twenty minutes in three minute rounds. At one point Lee caught me with a clean right hand, right on the nose
• Her: ouch!
• Me: I didn’t feel anything. Obviously. I’m rock. But it would’ve knocked out a normal man.
• Her: (giggles)
• Me: He probably hurt his hand. My body is like high tensile steel. Touch here. See! It’s like touching a tank isn’t it.