I blow a dead-cert SNL by being a douchebag. Again.

February 22, 2011

Moran is hyper again and he wants to spend Friday night before Latvia getting smashed. Fuck it, I’m in the mood. We drink some Strongbow on the underground and roll into the Worlds End in Camden at about 11pm. This is an area known for its freaks and methheads but also some good pubs with the indie crowd. There’s lots of decent girls and all the guys are too much into their emo / asymmetrical haircuts to notice.

We immediately go about building value. We do aftershock shots between pints. We’re getting nicely rat-arsed and glowing with fun. IOIs start to come our way. Moran is always a ball of energy and we are just laughing, messing around, doing countless meaningless gesiticulations just for the fun of it. A polish 3-set eyes us and stands behind. A Slovak 2-set positions it next to us and I open. Can’t remember what with, but it’s rude.

Moran's girl

Some little chodeboy comes running over like an energizer bunny. He’s been talking to them the past hour, running “game”. The little Slovak gives him a fake number. She just flat out tells us it’s fake and is trying to get rid of him. He runs back to his friends triumphant. He is like a schoolkid taking a gold star home to show mummy. The little one gives Moran an IOI and he pounces on it.

Cunt, I think. My set. Wing rules.

There’s no way to back either of them off. So I immediately walk up to the Poles and open them by saying my friend is gonna start rapidly escalating even though I told him not to. Sure enough we all look over and Moran has already got her up against the wall making out, in the middle of the bar. I start heckling him. A pole asks “what is rapid escalation”, I demonstrate, on her. Freaks her out but she likes it. All four of us start heckling Moran. He is distracted now and turns round embrassed telling us to stop it. We just keep going.

My set. I don’t care.

I go over and physically pull them apart. I start admonishing Moran. He knows he took my set, but he’s drunk and horny. The little Slovak is a seven. Definitely worth a poke. I turn my back on her and say;

Me: You are not going to fuck this girl tonight. Remember we came here to get drunk.
Him: Yeah, you’re right
Me: So, we’re gonna get drunk. None of this rapid escalation shit. Get rid of her so we can get back on the beer.
Him: *face like a child told his trip to Disneyland is cancelled* Okay

The Slovak can hear all of this. She’s just standing rooted to the spot, speechless. But not moving. The obvious subtext is that I am essentially escalating her for Moran, and he knows this.

Me: Ok. If you have to, either take her number now, or drag her to the toilets and fuck her. Whichever, just do it now.
Him: *looks at her, indecisive*
Me: *to her* Just wait a minute darlin’. Man talk.

She protests because she wants to stay and finally Moran takes her round the corner and accepts her number. She’s in a 100% chasing frame now and I’m the Bad Cop. Moran tells her to wait around a few hours and he’ll call her. The SNL is already a done deal. We move to the next bar. We’re just buzzing with energy and vibe now. I take a couple of facebooks on the way and then Moran does my “douchebag opener” on a mixed five set coming down the street. He stops them, holds laser eye contact with the hottest girl, and with a dismissive thumbjerk over his shoulder at the guys says:

Moran: Hi. Are you fucking either of these guys tonight?
Girl: Um…..no  *smiles, tentative*
Moran: Cool. *rapid escalation*

The chodes stand helpless and finally a cockblock tears her away. We roll into the next bar and immediately get into set. More drink, more fun, and Moran pops out to collect his SNL girl. When he gets back with her I’m with a blonde girl styled like Marilyn Monroe. I put her at a six, Moran says seven. I just open direct, handhold and pull her in to the bar. She buys me a drink then a verbally escalate her and put her hand on my cock. She’s massively horny immediately.

Like this. But a six

We double extract.

Getting a taxi is a nightmare. We end up walking towards the canal bridge taking at least ten minutes. I’m in full-on don’t-care douchebag mode. I keep calling my girl a slut. Hurry up slut. What you doing slut. Follow me slut. She’s really into me but this is hard work for her. I keep having to soften to reel her in.

Me: *looks into her eyes* I’m just playing a character. I like your really. We’re gonna have a great time. Ok?
Her: *sheepish* ok
Me: Cool. C’mon slut

When we finally get to a free minicab she’s bolted. Whatever. Getting out the other end at my house Moran has a piss in the bushes and I have to let his girl into the house. She keeps saying to me “I’m not a slut. I don’t usually do this”. I have bright red lipstick smeared all over my face like Heath Ledger and I was still drunkenly opening sets, to zero success, after my girl ejected. Great night. Moran owes me one.


  1. haha C’mon slut… love it…. camden is fucking brilliant lately… fuck all this fancy hampstead or shoreditch crap… i guarantee we have better nights at the places we went to on saturday….

  2. When are you going to follow up your Intellectual Mastery post?

  3. Hey N – just enyoyed the latvian snl guest post on jambones blog – would love a short break down of her feedback in terms of how she saw the seduction relative to your actions, would be very instructive…

  4. London has free minicabs these days?

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