So why did my marriage fail?
That’s a long involved question. There’s the version my wife gave me and then there’s what I really think. Without going into huge detail, the woman’s version is that I was too mean, didn’t show enough interest in her, became dull, and that she fell out of love. My version is I betatised and lost most of the qualities that had attracted her in the first place. I focused too hard on being the GQ / Esquire / Hollywood version of a perfect husband and that led me to become boring, home-centred, and to care too much about making the marriage work. I also found her increasingly unattractive as she aged and became masculine through starting a new job and Westernising. There’s alot more to it than this, but they are key trends.
The first six months of 2010 were weird for my game. I was getting lots of dates, lots of attraction, and lots of almost f-closes. Then suddenly in June everything fell into place. Most of that was down to getting my alpha shit together, but there have been lots of outliers that couldn’t be explained by lacking alphaness. I’ve had about a dozen girls crazily attracted this past year, to the point where they’d say things like “before I come out to meet you my heart is beating fast and I’m short of breath” and they’d be super horny. And yet I failed to f-close them and they drifted away, much to my bemusement.
So what gives?
At the end of my free one-hour consultation session with Skeletor, as he was packing his notebook away he teased “I think I know what the problem is.” Guess I better sign up for those paid sessions then,…… thing is, he actually delivered.
A week later we had a three-hour sit down in a casino cafe. Mostly he was pumping me with questions. Delving deep into my attitudes on men and women, on my attitudes to sexuality, the relationship my parents have, whether I was popular at school etc. Then after a ciggie break he reflected everything back to me and took me through the theoretical basis.
Now it’s common for overly-enthusiastic reviewers to talk about sessions being “mindblowing” or “shattering my reality”. A teacher can give you a whole new orientation towards the world and open up a panorama of new possibilities.
This one didn’t.
The most helpful takeaway from the whole session was that we actually agreed about 90% on how the sexual marketplace works. It was freakishly similar. We have different models and different priorities but we essentially agreed about what Game is and how to get it. What this told me is I’m on the right track. All that theoretical knowledge I’ve worked on in the past 18 months, all the worldly wisdom I’ve picked up in the past 35 years – nothing Skeletor said invalidated that.
So the session wasn’t too useful, you ask? Fuck no, keep reading. The mindblowing bit was far more subtle. I’d gone into the sessions deciding all my barriers would be down, all the shields turned off, and the phasers set to stun. People who know me know I am an exceptionally open person but also strangely guarded without realising it. I knew Skeletor was going to need a direct unfiltered look into my character to do his work properly. There’s no point trying to hold stuff back or reframing stuff to impress him (and lets be honest, I wanted him to respect me so the temptation to qualify was there).
I was handing him full disclosure in a way no-one but my brother has ever seen before.and hoping he could work some magic. What he did was take pretty much my whole personal history and current sticking points and explain everything as stemming from two character traits, then explained the detail, then explained how to fix it.
That’s mindblowing. Not boom!smash!bang! mindblowing. It was just incredibly perceptive and reductionist. The two traits are:
1. I lack soft dominance
2. I look to the world for external validation of my self image as a high value man [I’ll go into this in the next post – it was mostly from the second paid session]
A woman looks to a man to lead her safely through the dangers of a hostile world. He has the ability to impress his will upon the world (rather than the reverse) and build an impregnable fortress within which the woman is safe. This is hard dominance. The woman feels safe and protected both physcially but also in her social status, which becomes attached to the man’s. I do this very well. Bad boys do this too, but they also have fleeting attractiveness that eventually turns the girls away. Why is this?
Girls also crave a garden paradise within the walls of the fortress. A warm beautiful space to express their true character without risk of judgement and to let all their love flow. They need to feel cherished, to feel needed, and to feel romantic connection with their protector. Otherwise the fortress is a prison and the girl feels trapped in her relationship. The analogy we came up with in the session is of a motorcycle helmet; The shell is the hard dominance, the padding is the soft dominance. What happens if one is missing? If the man is a beta pansy the force of a crash impacts upon the padding and kills the woman. If he’s a bad boy there’s just a shell and while the road doesn’t kill the woman, the shell does.
As we talked about my attitudes it became clear not just that I lacked soft dominance but also why:
- My father is a spineless beta and now a kitchen bitch. My mother is a confrontational aggressive, barely empathetic shrew. Thus the male-female roles were reversed through much of my upbringing. Don’t get me wrong – my parents have had a successful 40-year marriage, are still in love, and I’m close to them both. But I rebelled against the role reversal and vowed I’d never become a wuss like my father, and never allow a woman to treat me like my mother did my father.
- Growing up as an intellectually exceptional student but athletically unimpressive, I always tended towards bookish hobbies and developed a sense of physical lacking. In my late teenage I went on an over-compensatory quest to become physically competent that led me into boxing, BJJ, and muay thai. This is now an extremely strong part of my identity. I’m not a wuss.
- I credited (rightly) much of the success of my relationship with my wife as due to being strongly masculine, aloof and badass. I blamed (rightly) much of the relationship’s collapse to us losing this male-female polarity. Thus I became determined not to be a wuss.
Notice the W-word coming up a lot? I believe many of the softer characteristics of a man’s dealings with women are wussy, and I’m not a wuss. You see the issue? This explains why I missed all those f-closes earlier this year, and why my wife’s complaints during the marriage weren’t simply the rationalisation hamster but actually stemmed from real unmet needs.
Skeletor went on to outline his models and how to work on the soft dominance. I promised him I wouldn’t steal his proprietary material so I won’t go into detail here. The basic principles however are:
- During the hypnotic scanning phase (usually on a date, in deep rapport) the man is scanning for genetic fit while the woman is scanning for identity. Thus it’s crucial to have the inner game fixed and to drop the mask. This is why routine-based and dishonest game ultimately fails with high esteem women, and why earlier this year I was getting day 2s that went nowhere. I was able to show an attractive mask for the ten minutes of the street pickup but on the Day 2 when we had to actually get to know each other I would either keep the mask on, or let the girl see into an inner game that still had broken pieces jangling around from the divorce. Either way, the girl didn’t connect.
- Good game is creating a strong identity in alignment with your masculine core, then removing all the barriers that prevent that showing through in your interactions.
- Men and women can each be characterised according to confidence / competence (men) and beauty / esteem (women). This create a dual hierarchy of 4 types each. Durable relationships occur when the man and woman are from matching types.
It’s surprising how much you can get through in three hours. So far Skeletor is living up to his rep.
December 21, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Interesting. When I think through my own inner game issues–and continuing obstacles–it sources back probably 90% to my parents. It’s a final frontier of sorts that I don’t yet have fully figured out.
December 22, 2010 at 9:00 pm
its not your fault… ITS YOUR PARENTS!
thats the spirit! dont accept any responsibility off your life.
BLAME OTHERS FOR YOUR PROBLEMS!
December 23, 2010 at 6:49 pm
You’re right! Our parents don’t shape our lives at all.
December 21, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Krauser, I love your blog. It’s the best, most informative blog in the field. And as much as I love the technical aspects of your posts (especially the FB chat breakdowns, which have taught me so much), your discussions on inner game are what really have changed me. Over the past few months, my game has improved light years since when I started. Where I used to be lucky to hook a set 20% of the time, I now lock in over 80% of my opens. I’m almost there, but I have one big stumbling block that’s been hitting me in the face. And then I saw exactly what I was thinking about myself in this post:
“2. I look to the world for external validation of my self image as a high value man ”
That’s it. I know it’s my problem. I want to overcome it, but it’s not as simple as “just stop doing it” or I would have stopped months ago. Like you, I didn’t grow up as a high value man. And now that I am becoming/have become one, I want everyone to see that I’ve changed. I can almost feel that voice in the back of my head screaming, “Look what I’ve become!” to the people I talk with.
I cannot wait until you follow up on this in your next post and over the next few months. I know you have lots of other things to write about and videos to post (which probably draw more hits than posts on inner game), but this is my final frontier. Please go into this with as much depth as possible, especially on how to go about changing your unconscious mind so these thoughts/behaviors eventually fade away altogether. And keep coming back to it over the next few months as you gain new insight.
Thanks again for all your work, it’s really helped change my life in a way I didn’t think was possible not too long ago.
December 22, 2010 at 9:23 pm
you want to tell everyone about you? you have a voice at the back of your head?
thats a symptom of a mild mania and schizophrenia.
i love how you posted exact % of your success.
so you were 20% before, and now you are 80%. NERD!
your post is full of half-truths and exaggeration.
nowhere in here you say where those 20% were achieved, and where 80% were.
ARE THEY THE SAME VENUE? ARE THEY DIFFERENT?
20% – day game?
80% – drunken bar game? dirty hooker game? (after you failed miserable)
or you never trield day gaming before? and all of that % were from red district?
and now you are waiting for Krauser to give you a magic pill to fix all your problems.
keep waiting for that special article, buddy.
December 22, 2010 at 9:36 pm
Oh, good! I thought John was going to leave me out of the trolling fun. I was worried that I wasn’t as special as the other posts he trolled. But it’s all OK now. I feel special again. Thanks, John. Merry Christmas!
December 22, 2010 at 9:55 pm
you never made any comments about what i wrote. silence is an agreement in court.
and now you are attacking me instead of my statements. fail.
December 22, 2010 at 10:30 pm
It’s OK, John. I still love you.
December 22, 2010 at 10:43 pm
i see you had taken your medication now.
i wont bother you while you are still in your happy place.
we can continue our talk tomorrow. i got a lot of questions to ask.
i mean, your approach success / fail ration is 1 / 5.
so if you approach 4 chicks per day… you fail at them all.
would you want to approach more of them after such a hit to your self esteem? NOOOO…
plus the weather outside is really bad. you dont want to be a snow creeper, do you?
so how did you managed to turn it all around after all the failures?
by the way, i made a huge mistake by assuming you could close already. i didnt read your post careful enough. you said you were able to “LOCK” the set 80% of the time…
meaning the walking girl would stop and turn the head in your direction for a few seconds.
nothing more. LOL
December 22, 2010 at 11:25 pm
Well, the last comment seems like you’re asking genuine questions, so I’ll answer, unless Krauser wants us to knock it off. It’s his site, and his rules.
I generally use night game more than day game. And for every 5 girls I approach in a bar, I talk for at least 5 minutes with about 4 of them. Usually I can get at least one of them to buy me a drink. (One of my regular side bets with wing men is if I can make it through the night buying less drinks than are bought for me).
Based on how well I’m doing and how much they take the bait, as well as if they have a girl to occupy my wing, their logistics, etc. – sometimes I say in longer, and sometimes I bail because I know I’ll have other success that night and its not worth it to chase someone with bad logistics (Unless I really like her). Women are just too abundant. So that’s what I meant by “Lock”. At least 5 minutes of good conversation with some good teasing and touching.
The biggest difference for me was confidence, to be honest. I was always funny and charming, but after doing this for about 8-9 months, I started to realize that I was always going to be the most interesting guy any girl in the bar talked to that night. So, instead of wondering if they would like me, I began to take that for granted, and started to see if I liked them instead. It’s funny how much that changed it for me.
That’s why I wrote the original comment. I’m having abundant success with 6s, 7s, and 8s, but the 9s can see that I’m still looking for external validation. I want to show off that I got them. The funny thing is that when I see their Facebook statuses come up, I see they are validation whores too, just like me.
December 22, 2010 at 11:38 pm
“Usually I can get at least one of them to buy me a drink.”
half-truth. she gets to buy you a drink, but what does she get in return.
nothing is free in this world. she buys you a drink, and you buy her 2?
she buys you a drink and you buy snacks for the entire group?
“One of my regular side bets with wing men is if I can make it through the night buying less drinks than are bought for me.”
would there be a need for bet if, 80% of woman like you say would have brought you drinks?
so you are never alone when you night game? your wing does all the work and you take whats left from him? you take the fatties home? are you afraid of going to bar alone?
“I bail because I know I’ll have other success that night and its not worth it to chase someone with bad logistics (Unless I really like her). Women are just too abundant.”
you are overcompensating. i heard a story when i was a kid about a fox and a bunch of grapes that were too high for fox to reach. the fox was too lazy to do anything, so he assumed the grapes were too sour anyway.. and walked away thinking how smart he is.
“I started to realize that I was always going to be the most interesting guy any girl in the bar talked to that night.”
so you tried to be funny, but woman didnt want you anyway. you are deluding yourself.
December 22, 2010 at 11:57 pm
also, why do you ask Krauser for permission to post here?
you are not 5 year old anymore, you are a grown man.
this tells a lot about you.
December 21, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Thanks for sharing. I have similar problems. I went form rapport only to being all about alpha, asshole, attraction. I lost many things that build connection during that time. I think these phases are necessary in ones personal development.
December 22, 2010 at 8:59 pm
dont try to be what you are not.
such additudes will get you stabbed on a street.
December 21, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Nice post. I think you touch on something that a lot of men don’t really want to mention: how their own parent’s relationship, namely the weak father and strong mother dynamic, hindered their own ability to be a strong man early in their lives. A weak father in the face of the shrewish wife is the surest way for a boy to learn how not to be a strong man and thereby suffer the consequences with respect to women.
It is fortunate that game helps to remedy that situation now. In the past, no one really wrote about or understood these things the way we do now. Your own father most likely had a weak father as well, and so on. He was most likely already conditioned to end up with a domineering woman.
“Soft dominance” is a good and true concept. Women want a strong man, but they want love and comfort as well.
December 22, 2010 at 8:57 pm
awwww, poor victim of parent relationship.
OH, NO, its not my fault im a beta like this. ITS MY PARENTS!
if i had an alpha dad, my life would be so much different!
lets blame all woman for it too.
you are talking responsibility off your life.
December 21, 2010 at 11:16 pm
you said you were a banker to a croating girl… LOLOLOLOL
whats wrong? you are not secure enough to pick up them without pretending something you are not and never will be.
dude, you need to drop by Thainland. hookers cost there like a drink at a London bar. and you can be urban lumpenproletariat without any shame.
December 21, 2010 at 11:32 pm
ahahahah for thinking you will never end up like your father. you got his beta genes.
you think got betalised by marriage? YOU WERE NEVER ALPHA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
She never changed, its you who did… you were delusioned. the love was gone and you could see the real her. she is a bitch just like your mother were. and YOU CHOSE HER. you needed someone to tell you what to do, you couldnt handle the world on your own.
“She became masculine through starting a new job and Westernising.”
are you saying she started to make more money than you and you started to feel insecure at your shitty job? i can tell that by the gypsy clothes you wearing outside. what are you a construction worker? do you cut grass around homes?
December 21, 2010 at 11:39 pm
“I was getting lots of dates, lots of attraction, and lots of almost f-closes.”
Key word here is “almost”. number of dates doesnt matter. what matters is sex. you had none.
“beating fast and I’m short of breath” and they’d be super horny.”
you are delusioned. this is nothing more than an opinion of yours. you masturbate in your mind too much. if neither one of them wanted to have sex with you, than it means they werent attracted enough to you.
December 21, 2010 at 11:45 pm
“During the hypnotic scanning phase (usually on a date, in deep rapport) the man is scanning for genetic fit while the woman is scanning for identity. ”
“Good game is creating a strong identity in alignment with your masculine core, then removing all the barriers that prevent that showing through in your interactions.”
WTF is this? MASCULINE CORE?!!!!!! HYPNOTIC SCANNING PHASE?!!!
do normal people think like that? ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION!
you are overanalysing everything like a retard with aspengers would.
December 21, 2010 at 11:56 pm
You might like http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/03/dominace-and-submission-in-marriage.html it’s squarely framed within the context of a marriage, but I’m sure you can pull the basic concept out.
December 22, 2010 at 8:43 pm
you have no right to give anyone your advices.
i read your blog and you cant handle your own marriage. lots of jealousy, and clinginess.
December 22, 2010 at 1:00 am
This is deep inner game. This here, this is the real deal. This, friends, players, gamesmen, alphas-in-training, is what it takes to really develop, not only as a gamesman, but as a man, as a human being. This is impeccability, this is warriorship. Dare I say it, this is the spiritual aspect of the quest.
Keep it up.
December 22, 2010 at 8:40 pm
another world of warcraft virgin.
December 22, 2010 at 6:55 am
“I credited (rightly) much of the success of my relationship with my wife as due to being strongly masculine, aloof and badass. ”
there is nothing masculine in you aside from baldness, and low-paying manual job.
December 22, 2010 at 10:31 am
Really revealing stuff, helps put things in much needed perspective.
Good thinking material.
December 22, 2010 at 8:38 pm
you mean good mind masturbating material?
December 22, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Hey Krauser, Kudos for writing the part 2 and i am awaiting part 3 , I think it really takes a manly man to open up and a much bigger person to allow some one else to learn from his deep insight /weaknesses, It takes guts and you Sir have them…….. .
Let the haters be…. I am all for U and am a Big Fan of your Blog and have learned a lot from you to a point where i think i owe you, Whenever you are in U.S.A again let me Know …..
I think my Problem is hard Dominance as few Gurus have pointed out that i come across as too much of a Nice guy… Any suggestions to fix this ?
December 23, 2010 at 5:01 am
This Krammer character is quite amusing. Let’s feed the troll and see how much more bullshit it will spew. I suspect it will wear itself out doing so, hamster style. It’s a functional characteristic of the ‘spergy set.
He sounds a like a limey version of the GBFM character that used to post over at the Chateau all the time, only less interesting.
Troll avalanche in 3, 2, 1…..
December 23, 2010 at 11:02 am
Interesting post. Courageous of you also to seek outside help and to open yourself up like that. Especially to a total stranger.
The 2nd sticking point – looking for external validation. Isn’t that everyone? I very much look forward to your next post.
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December 27, 2010 at 8:37 pm
great blog and its great to clear up things holding you back…no way else to get better at what you are mastering at so far.. push more , push it to the next level my friend.
December 27, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Curious, is your ex wife Japanese? You’ve said you lived there for awhile and it seems clear she’s not a western European.