I’ll admit this girl was below my usual standard. I’ve never been one for bottom-feeding (even pre-game) and after this one I’ve decided I’ll have nothing to do with any girls below a seven, and only drop below eight if it’s easy. This was really easy.

Regular readers will remember my Spanish flag who I passed on to Big Toe. After the fat man closed her I suddenly had an idea, like connecting dots between the elusive and the obvious – I didn’t just do my friend a good turn but I did her one too. She really liked him. So next time she shows up on chat it goes something like this (to paraphrase):

• Me: Big Toe is pretty cool isn’t he
• Her: He is. Much cooler than you 😛
• Me: You realise that you owe me a girl now, don’t you
• Her: Yes
• Me: So start looking. Who is suitable and single?
• Her: I don’t know any. All the single girls I know who want sex are in Spain
• Me: Keep looking

About a week later she suggests her Chinese and Italian flatmates and sends sample photos. Neither is a sight to behold but of the two the eye-tie is kinda my type. Sunday evening rolls around and Spaniard wants to meet Toe. I tell her to bring her friends and I’ll show up. We manage to rouse JJ too. However the plan for a 3-on-3 date is scuppered when I get an unexpected text from Russian Catwalk Model wanting to meet for an afternoon coffee. Hmmmm. I don’t have an Italian flag but RCM is a full 4 points higher on the scale.

After five hours of coffee, beer and food with RCM I roll up late to the 3-on-3 with her on my arm. We’ll call that preselection, shall we? My team falls into wing rules, DHVing me a little before my arrival and then letting me lead the conversation. RCM is shooting daggers at the three hussies while Italian is IOIing plenty. Last orders soon arrives and I go home with RCM, recording this audio before I bang her one last time.

It’s easy to put Italian on facebook the next day and run some light chat before taking her out for a date. It’s freewheeling downhill with no effort – I just lead her with a few pubs, run comfort, and sound her out on sex. Her and Spaniard had already done the private girl-talk about fuck buddies so there wasn’t much for me to do. I could sense Italian really felt out of her depth because she qualified hard and was constantly fishing for reasons why I’d bother talking to her. Then she suddenly puts her drink down and gives me The Speech:

“Ok, I’ll be honest. I want to have sex with you. Not tonight, I can’t for a week or two, but I will. If we both like it then great. If not, that’s ok.”

I nod, take her to Primrose Hill (scene of an earlier special moment) and she sucks my cock till I come in her face. Then we go our separate ways. A week later I meet her for a quick drink while I’m out with Tom – already planning the hand-off – and finally we set up a date for her to come round to my house. I do her rationalisation hamster the polite service of plying drinks down her neck and an hour of conversation before taking her upstairs for a fuck.

She’s a good performer but just not hot enough. After busting a nut it’s a chore to keep her around. She’s pawing at my cock all night and finally I grudgingly sympathy-fuck her in the morning. Haven’t seen her since. Learning points?

• Don’t fuck girls when you know that the moment you bust a nut you want rid of them. It’s bad for the inner game
• Girls are surprisingly logical and premeditated about sex when your value far exceeds theirs
• Even easy girls require a bit of coaxing and conversation if you want to leave them feeling ok afterwards