I take a trip to Newcastle for a stag do. My intention is just to have a good time with the boys as we take a train to York for the daytime drinking and then progress on to Newcastle for the night and eventually strip club. The usual. I’m aghast at the horrendous quality of the local girls. Truly central London is an oasis within the dryest of deserts. York is also a contender for mong-town of the British Isles. So many fatties and retards its quite scary, not that Newcastle is that much better. We have fun.

After a brief diversion into a gay bay (where most of our group are frighteningly congruent, whereas I spend the whole time sitting next to the exit projecting as much hetero as possible) we end up in some 80s bar called Retro. I open a two set with a standard opinion opener (“Who is more feminine – Kate Bush on the telly there, or Beyonce?”). I hook but don’t care cos they aren’t hot and we have to move on soon.

On the platform I open a cute little English girl by complimenting her shoes. It’s progressing nicely till on of the lads comes over and tries AMOGing me. He fails miserably but kills the vibe. I’d forgotten what its like to be out with people who don’t know wing rules and who try to kill your sets.

Shortly after arriving back in Newcastle I open a three set of Hungarians, two of whom are beautiful. It hooks strong and within a few minutes I realise this is going somewhere because they are on a trip from London. But the same friend comes in and kills the set again. The girls scurry off quicker than a French soldier in a warzone. Thanks fella.

An hour later and we are about eight hours into the drinking. I’m pissed in the way that I feel fully in control but wouldn’t want to be operating heavy machinery. This next bar has a couple of prospects and then a 3-set of gorgeous Italians walks in. Two of them are solid 8s and the third is a clear 9. Tall, 19 years old, flat stomach, cracking pair. Once they are sat down I opinion open with my “bangers and mash” line. It’s so easy, like shooting fish in a barrel, compared to London. I haven’t seen a single guy all night who looks like he might have even the slightest game. They hook strong and are soon giggling and IOIing me. For a change, my friend decides not to fuck with the set but my group moves on to the next bar.

Fair enough, it’s a stag do. So I take the girl’s Facebook and run. She accepts the add the next day and I’m gratified to see she’s just as hot sober as when I had beer googles. What a pair of tits! I’ll try some long-distance sarging so that she hooks up with me on her inevitable visit to London. She’s only been in the UK two weeks. Maybe it’ll come to something.

So I’ve just massively DHV’d to the boys by hooking every single set I open and all hot girls except the first set. We end up in some godawful charver bar near the Bigg Market with pounding music, a crush of bodies, and legions of charver chodes. The girls are everything from 15yr olds done up to look old and 50yr olds dressed like 15 yr olds. Truly awful in a our-country-is-so-fucked kind of way. If NATO saw this we’d have to give up our seat on the Security Council. All of us hate it except the omega who suggested it. He leans over and shouts in my ear “There’s loads of fanny in here!” and chinks my bottle. Ugh.

Perhaps deciding not to be outdone by me, he opens the nearest set. A hen party of fat ugly 50 yr old hags. Really. They would’ve been ugly at 20 but now its just cruel and unusual punishment to be near them. He’s a huge fella and soon puts the claw on the stag and tries to drag him into the set. The hags are well up for it, obviously. A tug of war ensues as I try to keep the stag out of it but finally the hag runs up and plants a kiss on the unsuspecting fella. Just imagine if a creepy 50 yr old man had done that to an unwilling woman 15 years his junior. There’d be violence.

We escape to a strip club and the omega dude shuffles of quietly. There’s one extremely hot stripper – about as hot as the 19 yr old Italian I’d already closed – but the rest are 7s at best. I ignore them. The betas drop £20 a dance several times. I game one stripper and she talks to me like a normal person but I can’t get past the initial hook. One of the other boys gets a good long set with a fairly nice one much to my surprise. The boy did well and she was IOIing him – genuine sub conscious IOIs. Looks like my stripper game is behind the curve.

A good night. The next day it takes three long dumps to clear my system.