I’m bored on Saturday evening with nothing better to do than troll OKcupid. Makes a change from running my usual daygame. I send out about thirty messages all exactly the same, to see what happens. About six girls hook and I start a chat with some black American girl. It’s a car crash, she’s just so unfeminine and utterly unable to flirt. What do they teach girls over the Pond? Are they all so vile and unattractive? Everything is a challenge with her so I say no deal and to be frank I don’t think she cares in the slightest. In contrast, this Euro-girl is the very picture of shy femininity. Witness the entire exchange:

That’s classic textbook online game. Really, we wrote an online game book over a year ago and this is precisely the method. Just a shame it’ll never be released. But I digress……Her photos don’t mean much to me one way or the other. There’s a few full-face shots in daylight plus two full body, all with a camera timestamp from within two months. Ok, she’s not bad. Somewhere between 6 and 7 in the way you simply can’t tell online. She’ll do. I’m wavering on whether I can be bothered to go out to meet her but this little text exchange convinces me I’ll enjoy her company:

Her: Hey 8pm its fine i just need to find out where is that station but i will see that when i get home later. You are making me laugh. Are you always like this? “tomorrow. 6pm. Oxford circus.” “give yours”… it seem i am in the army ah ah ah OK ok yes Sir

Me: Good work, soldier

Her: Ah ah ah Miss soldier please

Me: What’s your name?

Her: [weird name] 🙂 yours?

Me: I see. I shall have trouble pronouncing that. I’m Nick

Her: You can call me [less weird name] if you think is more easier for you….

Me: We shall see, young lady. Are you Spanish?

Her: No, I’m from Portugal. And you?

Me: Just so you know, we shall have no talk of Cristiano Ronaldo or cork

Her: Yes Sir. Anything else i should know?

Me: Yes. Dress cute, hair down, and laugh at my jokes. Then I’ll be nice to you

Her: So should I start laughing now? Well i am cute no matter what i have dressed. Have you thought what is cute for me can not be cute for you? I won’t laugh at your jokes if i won’t understand them u have to consider i am not from here and there are a lot of things that i just don’t get it, so i will ask if i don’t get it. Are you willing to explain? Or you just don’t have patience for that? If embarrass you is not sing dance or swear we going to ok because i am too shy to do those things in the first date. Just for you to know so you don’t be disappointed after I don’t use make up or high heels.

Me: Hmmmmm….. Portuguese girls…

Her: ??? Anything wrong with the Portuguese girls?

Me: My mum told me they are all sex maniacs

Her: Ah ah ah but there is any problem in look like a sweet little librarian but in private with you bf, husband, partner whatever being a sex maniac?

Me: I think I’m starting to like you, you cheeky Portuguese minx

Her: I see the things like this, for example i am too shy its difficult for me to look to a guy straight in his eyes (if i don’t know him) and i don’t like to go some place and everyone looks at me i feel embarrassed i like to go unnoticed but when i find someone with who i feel comfortable well that is a different story lol

Me: I should warn you that although my grandmother says I’m a wonderful boy, I can also be a hungry wolf

Her: For our grandmothers and mothers we are always an sweet angel lolololol but there comes a time when a hungry wolf come and change everything but they don’t need to know that 🙂

Me: Grrrrrrrrr….

Her: Ah ah ah easy tiger ah ah ah

Can’t really ask for better than that. She’s coming virtually to my door, at my convenience, and very much pre-framed for casual sex. So I put on my woolly hat and jumper and take a chance. Internet dating always feels like filling out a ticket for Argos… chances are it’s nothing like it looked in the catalogue. Upon meeting my first feeling is relief – she’s not bad at all. High six. Cute face, lovely manner, slightly overweight but not English overweight. Time for the pub.

Right from the off I know I have her. Sitting at the bar I begin to rev up the usual DHVs plus I’m riding a wave of outcome independence. Within five minutes she’s staring into my eyes with the “I can’t believe I’m so lucky” gaze. I play with her hair a bit, my latest pre-kiss kino gambit. It’s all childs play, more effort for me to recount here than it was to perform on the date itself. An hour in when I finally kiss her it’s like a dam breaking. She can’t stop nuzzling me, running her hands over my face, scratching my beard….

Next pub is just making out and verbally escalating. Because of her age there’s no way I’ll date her properly but she’s getting prettier and prettier as her femininity peaks. I’m dirty talking then accusing her of being a pervert trying to seduce me, then pull her in and tell her to grab my cock. The usual stuff. Then she tells me she’s on the rag. Hmmmmm. I am not a fan of that. I cool her off and little, do some comfort, and by 11pm send her home. She’s very much uninhibited with her texts the next day so we arrange to meet for sex. Pretty blatant stuff until 2 hours before, I get this:

Hey, I’m sorry I can’t do this. You are amazing, physical you have everything I like in one man but this is not what I’m looking for. I tried to tell to myself I could do it, go there have some sex fun whatever and come back home like nothing happen but I can’t.

A firm no, you’d think? A few reframes later and we meet for a drink. I walk her back to my place for the second drink and close the deal. +1, new flag.