*open, swap a few sentences*
Krauser: Did you have a good Christmas?
HB: Yes. I did blah blah…… how about you?
Krauser: Brilliant. I went up Newcastle to see all my family. *steps back* You did figure out from my accent that I’m from up North, right? I’m the only one of my family who has travelled around, living in London, Tokyo and stuff [hook for worldly-wise DHV stories]. For Christmas we all get together at my aunties house and she cooks up a big traditional lunch. You can just imagine how it was this year with the snow! *stands shoulder to shoulder, gestures painting a scene in front of us*. She lives in an old mining village on top of a hill surrounded by forest. You know how the snow lies on fir trees, like it steps where you can see the green underneath? So we’re sitting in the lounge by the fire with a belly full of roast and wine – she’s go a proper open fire with logs. I had to chop them.
HB: You had to chop the logs?
Krauser: Yeah. Not actually chop the trees, that would be stupid. But the smallest size she can get the firewood locally is too big for her fire, so I have to split them in the yard. [Protector of loved ones]. So we look out the windows over the vale and the forest and it’s like a blanket of pure white snow. The air is really crisp and fresh. You know the feeling of freshness when a cool chill blows against your cheeks? [painting an emotionally evocative picture]. Then my little nephew is playing with his new panda.
HB: A panda?
Krauser: Not a real one, obviously *pulls her in for a side-on-side hug* If we’re gonna be friends you have to think before you speak. *pushes her off*[kino]. He’s only this tall *gesture* and he’s full of love for fluffy animals and just wants to hug them, like this *hug, push off*. So I got him a panda [loves children and animals]
HB: Awwww, sweet.
Krauser: It’s really hard to get a good panda though. I started in Hamleys but quickly realised I wanted to get him something more individual. There’s alot of variance between pandas. I’ll bet you think they all look the same, but no. Actually I’ve got a confession to make. Keep this a secret but I know alot about them. My ex was Japanese and they are crazy for them over there [pre-selection]. She used to have panda-everything: panda toys, panda pyjamas, panda calendars. I had to watch pandas on youtube. Actually, you should youtube search “baby pandas playing”. It’s so cute, because they sort of wrestle each other but keep squeaking and falling over. Because essentially pandas are just crap bears.
Krauser: Well, yeah, sort of like how dolphins are just gay sharks. Pandas sit on their arse all day eating bamboo, but they are evolved to eat meat so they don’t get the right nutrients and it messes with their bearness. Out in the forest they get bullied by the proper bears, that’s why they have two black eyes.
HB: *ironic laughs at the bad joke, hug and push*
Krauser: Pandas don’t even have sex. No, really. The WWF has spent millions over the years trying to get pandas to fuck [oblique sex talk]. They even tried panda porn cos when girl panda meets boy panda nothing happens. They just eat bamboo when they should be having hot panda sex with girl panda bent over the treestump and boy panda giving it to her. So they install one of these huge tvs into the panda pen and show panda porn, hoping that’ll inspire a little loving.
HB: Did it work?
Krauser: No. But the Chinese scientists figured something out because now they’ve got a load of baby pandas – what’s the collective noun for pandas? pride? pack? Anyway, there’s tonnes of them. They had one on loan at the Panda Museum in Tokyo when I was there.
I just keep spinning this with new ridiculous panda material until I figure it’s time to number close. Only field-tested it four times so far, but went 4-for-4 in number closes.