Later in the evening I come back from muay thai training with Bhodi and we turn our scooters into the final approach home. There’s a small massage parlour so I park up and decide to get the kinks of training kneaded out of my muscles to avoid tomorrow’s aches. Bhodi says “there’s a nice bird works there.” Indeed there is. It’s 11pm and an early 30s slightly MILFy bird is starting to close up shop, alone. I enquire whether there’s time for a massage and she assents.

Note at this moment I have zero intent. It’s not even on my mind. I’ve been having massages every night after training so this is just more of the same.

What my friends think I got

For the first half hour I recline on the futon with my eyes shut and don’t say a word. The woman busies herself digging thumbs into pressure points and grinding her elbow against my muscles. Maybe I’m kidding myself but my spider-sense is tingling. Something about her manner isn’t quite right. She seems to be putting too much of her body into contact with mine. It’s not sexual but it’s vaguely sensual. I pay it little mind. She starts to make light conversation which I reciprocate. Then towards the last ten minutes we are talking more so I drop in light DHVs reflexively. She compliments me on my “strong shoulders”. Hmmmmm.

She finishes and I’m still thinking nothing of it. It’s midnight and we’re both tired. She sits down on a futon next to me and makes small talk. I’m reading her for IODs to see if she signals me to leave so she can close up shop but they never come. So I put a calm vibe on her and gradually take control of the conversation. Before long she’s showing me photos of her family and saying she’ll sleep in the parlour tonight because her house is 40km away. It’s never awkward but it’s all inappropriate for a customer-client frame. Something is afoot.

What the internet thinks I got

So I escalate slightly by giving her a light shoulder massage. Then I suggest showing her my puppies my photos on my laptop at my room (less than 100m away). Thus begins a pattern of two-steps-forwards-one-step-back that continues for the next hour. She initially demurs then agrees, then as I put my shoes on and start going she demurs again before following five minutes later. At my room she sits on the corner of the bed while I put on facebook and spotify. I know she’s up for it but clearly wanting to be pressed so that she can tell herself it “just happened”.

After ten minutes in my room she rebuffs the first two kisses in a half-arsed display of chastity then takes the third. I’ve long since figured out how she wants to be seduced so I just move it along gently but firmly until she’s rubbing my cock and I know it’s a done deal. She’s a decent lay. Then she excuses herself and walks back to her shop. I don’t even pay for the massage.

What I felt I was getting

I fire off an email to Robusto to request he unburden himself of the tags which he no longer has a right to wear.

This lay is what I would call a “George”, after my new Greek buddy who has stacked his adulthood with over a hundred such lays. There was no game per se. I just went on with my business and allowed my spider-sense to pick up signals when a girl was in the right mood at the right time. Then I just laid my vibe on her, relaxed, and gently moved it forwards. Every one of you probably has twenty of these experiences where you failed to spot the signals and thus nothing happened. And this is an unexpected reward of following the game route – you pick up such good calibration in the process of opening thousands of girls that when a lay just walks right up to you, you are able to spot it and let it happen.

Add ten years and you have her double

Learning points

• Be aware of the signals around you that girls give off. You might not be on the pull, but she might be horny and into you.
• When you meet the right girl in the right mood, you just have to let the lay happen
• This was two hours from meet to lay, including one hour for the massage. Don’t be psyched out when things move fast. As this one built up speed I was thinking “whoa, is it really falling into my lap so easily?” I could’ve fucked it up if I’d stuck too close to my model on what should happen.

The cream of asia, yesterday

Now lets be straight, these ladies are not the cream of Asia. While not as old and hideous as an English website, the girls are firmly clustered around the 5-7 band but as we well know an Asian seven is often very very pleasant company. I move a few of the girls over to my facebook and Skype. There’s tons of filipinos (which is little use to me) but I add them too to experiment with hassling ‘em for naked photos. Here’s the full set of messages of the bird I banged:

Me: Hey sweetie. I’m headed to [thai city] next week and I’ll be making new friends. I have a vacancy for a fun, crazy, cute local girl to laugh at my jokes and show me the city. I wonder where I could find one….. [Robusto-style so far]

Her: you have to try…. everywhere…i dont know… i can’t find guy like that either.. they’re somewhere

Me: Real men are very rare. Like pandas or tigers. What is your ideal man?

Her: someone honest,clever and always make me laugh

Me: I’m boring. I’m the most boring man in the world. I like your hair in your photo. I’m very boring. When I talk, you will fall asleep. [JJ-style of push-pull-push]

Her: you might not be so boring but the fact that you repeat saying you’re boring so many times. that’s boring

Me: ****** logic paradox ****** weird girl I like your hairband too. I don’t like your bed sheet [push-pull-push]

Her: weird man that’s not bed sheet, it’s bedspread. I like your jacket but I dont like your hat.

Me: That hat cost me $5,000. Well, no it didn’t. That’s a lie. What are you doing right now?

Her: I’m working but sneak chatting. if you mean occupation.. it’s bloody[boring office] company

Me: BOOOOOORRRRRINGGGG!!!!! You need excitement. Are you adventurous?

Her: thanks for telling me that my job is boring. it really helps. I am more adventurous than you can imagine.

Me: I don’t believe you. I think you work all day and watch TV all evening. I think the most adventurous thing you ever did was to kiss a guy in a bar. Once. You look like a fun girl

Her: you’re pathetic.. listen to your attitude. i bet all girls you have met are as boring as you just describe me, and i bet you’ll never find anyone more adventurous than that.

Me: It’s unfortunate. Maybe I just have bad luck in Thailand. In London, the girls I meet are all fun, interesting, energetic and beautiful. Maybe my luck in London is good. Are you really 159cm?

Her: maybe 158 i’m not sure. and me, i have bad luck too… all boys i meet here are boring.

Me: Do you have facebook in Thailand?

Her: where have you been dinosaur? facebook is eveywhere now.

Me: I thought so, but the only Thais I know I met in London and Tokyo. Search [my email] and add me

So she comes over to facebook where all my profile DHVs can hit and I can get a better look to see if her dating site photo is backed up by reality. Yeah, she’s quite cute. So I proceed to have a few ten-minute half-arsed chats to bed down some comfort and be more real. We exchange numbers and then a few days after I touch down in Thailand we meet on Saturday evening.

Closer to reality

I tell her it’s fine to bring friends because I’m out with Bhodi. She comes alone on her scooter and from there it’s child’s play. We’re in a lounge bar supping Singha beer and for twenty minutes Bhodi and I just frame-control the shit out of her until she is entrenched in a submissive, inferior feminine position – which she loves, I might add. It’s obvious she’s never seen anything like it. Push-pull, DHVs, chick crack, douchbaggery, it’s all in there. As we finish our drinks and go to the club next door I know all the attraction and qualification is done. I simply need enough comfort and then test some escalation.

Bhodi heads home with a chest infection he picked up in muay thai class while I move my girl from the edge of the dancefloor to a sofa outside. I do very light kino which she accepts and then drop in sexualisation.

Her: What do you like to do in life?

Me: First, I like fighting. Second is sleeping. Then eating. Then reading. Fifth is sex, then videogames.

Her: Sex is only fifth?

Me: No no, sorry. Videogames is fifth, then sex.

A bit later I qualify her on blowjob technique. She says she’s great at it because some ladyboy gave her secret tips. I do a push-away with: “Two things that all girls say they are good at is kissing and blowjobs. It’s never true. I’ve been disappointed so many times.” Predictably she paws me and qualifies: “No, no. Really, I give excellent blowjobs!”

The rook moves to H7. Check.

I tell her we’re going for a walk and start leading in the direction of my apartment and I occupy her forebrain with bullshit until the momentum is rolling. She has a great round ass so I compliment her on it, pick her up over my shoulder and slap it. She’s loving it.

The knight advances. Black is in danger.

We get to my apartment building ten minutes later. “I’m not going to your room” she half-heartedly protests. “It’s just for ten minutes” and up we go. Once inside I put on spotify and chill. “We’re not having sex” she protests. “That’s fine. Just show me some youtube music you like.”

Checkmate

Five minutes later she is demonstrating her blowjob skills. Ten minutes later I have F-town. When I give her a ride back to her scooter she’s singing sweet love songs. Cute. I’ll see her again.

Postscript: Although I go to bed with the F-town tags around my neck, which I swear make me sleep deeper and dream better, Robusto lacks the class and character to allow me to enjoy my acheivement. Way over in Mexico he rushes out to the street and brings a runt home to regain his tags.

Peering through my beer-goggles, she looked like this

I’m a douchebag. The whole pick-up is on auto pilot where I’m dimly aware of the model I’m following but it’s never at the front of my mind. I insult her alot in the first five minutes but it’s all smirky-asshole stuff that she likes. So she plants herself next to me and allows it all to happen. The next hour is a blur. I know I remain rooted to the same spot without moving while she does a couple of takeaways (the effect of which is nil, because I can see her staring at me from across the room the whole time). Her bolshy little friend comes over twice to evaluate me, the first time she’s friendly the second time there’s bluster: “Did you just tell my friend you wanted to fuck her in the ass and spit on her hair?”

Easily dealt with and she leaves us to it. By the thirty-minute mark she’s doing a full-body press against me and subtle grinding of her pussy against my legs, kissing, and grabbing my cock. I flip between outrageous dirty-talk, douchebag push-aways, and feigned naivety. I put it at 70/30 that I can SNL her but at crunchtime little Bolshy comes back with her gang and drags her away: “Take his number and we’re leaving”. Nothing I can do. Bolshy is clearly mother hen.

Bolshy is the one on the right

I’m so drunk I scoff a Big Mac (my first ever) and pay £30 for a taxi home rather than find a nightbus. As I’m eating, I start up the text game. Note she’s an English girl (remember, the type my game “doesn’t work on”) so I’m able to use the full nuance of my language:

Me: Is your leopard-printed pointy-fingered (but kinda cute) friend still angry and pointy? [frame the cockblock for what she was, but without being resentful]

Her: Hehehehehe, nah it’s cool, we’re at another bar right now… They like this one better are there any other gals or guys you’d like to fuck in the ass over in Angel? Be honest [she's still turned on, and still loved the anal sex idea and my outrageousness]

Me: Fucking loads of ‘em. You’ve slipped to 13th place in the queue. [douchebag push]

Me: Which, technically, makes you unlucky. My apologies… still like your smell, though [I'm the prize. Push-pull]

Her: Hehe [reward]

Her: Is this you trying to be smooth? [banter]

Her: It’s kinda funny [shit test]

Me: Sorry. I’m terrible with girls. I hope you don’t bust me for being a virgin. [agree and amplify]

Me: Pretend you never read that [feigned naivity and confusion]

Me: So… um… what do you think of Greece’s continued membership in the euro? [de-escalate in tongue-and-cheek manner, drop in implicit contrast game that I'm not just a sexually aggressive douchebag but I'm also educated]

Her: Haaaahaaaa… I knew you were a virgin, I could smell it on your neck, taste it on your lips and feel it on your dick [playing along, getting herself off on remembering me sexually]

Her: And I think the euro is ridiculous [a knowing wink at what I was doing]

Me: It was the hover-hand wasn’t it? [keep going with the thread]

Me: I knew it! I should’ve just collected my courage and put my finger up your chuff [feigned cowardice and regret, in contrast to what she knows was strong bold intent]

Me: Then my thumb

Her: Haaaahahaaa! It’s like Fort Knox down there… It wouldn’t have ever happened! But Ilike the visuals your descriptions are providing [She'd told me she hadn't had sex since April 2011]

Her: You’re not bad for a 42 yr old! [callback humour to a game we played, she's rapport seeking and obliquely IOIing]

Me: If you knew what your imaginary self was doing to my imaginary cock right now, you’d get a touch of the vapours. [blame her for the sexual escalation]

Her: Oh you’ve got a dirty lil mind. [approval]

Me: I’m innocent. It’s your slutty imaginary self taking advantage of me. I’m almost shocked. [feigned naivity, position her as seducing me]

Me: Almost

Her: You kinda called me a slut… I should be offended

Her: Should [girls love being slutty about sex when given permission]

Me: You scandalise me. Stop talking about sex. There will be no more talk about my rock hard dick invading your sweet little pussy. None of that talk at all. [push-pull]

Her: So… um… what do you think of Greece’s continued membership in the euro? [callback humour, rapport-seeking, signalling a willingness to follow my lead]

Me: Referendum, default on the debt, return to the drachma… and “go greek” on the next hot bird dumb enough to put her ass within banging distance of my dick. [contrast game]

Me: Should I spell out who that bird is, or can I rely on your social acuity to start getting wet on the intimation? [assumed the sale on her being wet for me]

Her: No no… No need as I got that from the moment I laid eyes on you… And you made me quite wet earlier on, I’m still kinda wet… But not as wet so I will have to rely on my imagination it seems [reliving the moment to extend her pussy tingle]

Her: I have an amazing imagination!!!! [qualification]

So this was an SNL candidate that never quite got there. Not sure if I’ll see her again. I’ll be leaving the country again soon and I suspect the escalation went past the point of no return regarding buyers remorse. We’ll see.

I’ve put subtitles in to show what I was trying to do. She was a stunningly hot bird in my opinion – a very fresh girly look about her. It was my last set of a good three-hour session so I didn’t pay it much mind. You’ll see that it was going well but her time constaint meant I had to take a number without bedding it down with comfort. That makes it a roll of the dice.

I didn’t see her again. Why?

In my book I talk about the proper sequencing of a daygame street stop. The above-linked video is following the model but gets snipped short due to her being late to catch a bus. As the subtitles describe I’m able to get out the spontaneous opener and then tease / bridge into a conversation which kills her momentum. The vibing goes well as she’s smiling and giving back. So far so good. It’s as I start to move into the early stages of investment that she gives me her time constraint.

My book lays out the detail on why you need to invest her and begin comfort before you can have confidence that a number / instant date will work. Doing attraction material is fun and will hook her but if that’s all you do she gets a high buying temperature and walks away thinking “that was fun”. And that’s all. You were a clown. No-one cares to return a clown’s call. However if you can then move her into a real conversation about things that matter to her, and even better get her doing most of the conversational work, then you are showing her emotions that you are both fun and authentic. That’s when you can move to commit her for further interaction.

I couldn’t get there with this Estonian girl and thus I knew it was a roll of the dice. But I could read her hindbrain clearly – she liked me – so it was worth a punt at the number. Get a bunch of weak numbers like this and some of them turn into real dating.

Jesus fucking Christ am I that full of myself????? Brilliant. That’s one third of the Dark Triad sorted. Now I need to work on my psychopathy and Machiavellianism

My current girlfriend was in a six-year relationship with a beta who I stole her from. He’s taken it pretty hard since she gave him marching orders. It was last summer that he got his P45 but he’s still pining. I know how that feels. A couple of weeks ago he made another attempt to win her back, which we chatted about.

sympathy and understanding, yesterday

Yummy

I’m sitting in a hammock on the edge of a small island in Belize. There’s cheering coming from the beach bar where everyone is watching Spanish football. The splashes from people diving into the sea occasionally spray me. The Mexican girl I kiss-closed after an instant date last week comes online. This is our second chat.

Me: oi! Mexican!

Her: hi british!! u still there??

Me: Belize

Me: gonna go to Playa again tomorrow then home to London

Her: perfect do you miss london?? u must came to mexico dont go london came mexico pleaseeee hehehehe or you gonna invite me to london??

Me: London is my favourite city. I’m looking forward to going home You can visit me in London. I’ll make you a cup of tea

Her: hahahahah sorry i dont like tea but 4 u i can make an exeption right!! but i think its so expensive travel there hehehe are u gonna invite me everything???hahaha

Me: just a cup of tea maybe a biscuit don’t be greedy

Her: greedy???what the meaning of that??

Me: I’ll take you to Tower Bridge at the river then throw you in the water

Her: cool thats sound so romantic hahahah kidding sounds cool hahahaha dosent matter i swim very well u seally boy!!!

Me: Of course, when you get to my room your panties will be on the floor within 60 seconds I’ll pick you up across my shoulders spin you around, make you giggle and scream throw you naked onto my bed and then go downstairs and watch tv

Her: hahahaha are u nuts??? but thinking in all u write i like the idea so i want it so if you want me there in your hose send me the ticket to go but one thing are you sure??cause u are gonna fall in love with me hehehehe

Me: I might fall in love with your cooking if its good but probably it’ll poison me how will you make me fall in love with you? I’m not an easy man to please

Her: ohhh perfect so first with my cooking,second 4 my kisses,3th becase i a funny and intersting girl 4th i will teach you spanish cause we dont always gonna be speaking in inglish 5th cause im gonna make u love like never no one do it to u and when ever u want and the way u want and i dont know so many things that its better to demostrate u than write it so how do you see??

Me: yes, yes….. but are you good at video games?

Her: of course i love it well im gonna be honest for the futball videogames i suck but u can tach me or i can learn until i see u again hehehehe i can go with u on april moth that i have vacations

Me: my image of a perfect woman is…. 1. good cooking 2. plays video games 3. doesn’t talk when I watch TV 4. frequent blowjobs

Her: i can be your perfect woman

Me: 5. good cooking

Her: my image of perfect man is……good lover big dick hahaha and that he works a lot or rich

Me: I’m lazy, poor and badly dressed maybe I should find you a better husband I’m only good for sex, eating your food, and telling you what to do especially the food mmmmm…… food… I love cheeseburgers mmmmm with bacon and BBQ sauce

Her: of course u dont,and let me tell u that i saw your piks and u are a handsome guy thats another point of my image of man,another thing he must cook to,that he be polite,that he makes me feel that i am the only girl in his world even i dosent hahahaha

Me: my grandmother thinks I’m beautiful

Her: that he makes me laugh i dont know what else that every day we make something diferent cool and onforgetible i love to the cheese burgers…food its the best in the world and my favorite thing y the bacon mmmm i can marry with a bacon hahaha

Me: So you want a wild sex (and cooking) holiday in London in April? hmmmmm. I’ll need to check my diary

Her: well we just can be lovers boyfriend i dont know hahahaha until you look 4 my a good husband so what do u think??

Me: I’m only 50% convinced I must have more information about your suitability as a lover and cook What size are your breasts, waist, and hips?

Her: hahahahaha well look your busy diary and let me know hahahaha but i really love to have that wild and sexy and amazing holiday in london with u!!!muuuuuak my bby

Me: 3 sizes please, young lady…

Her: 3 sizes???what do u mean sorry i dont understand hahahaha explain!!

Me: what size are your breasts, waist and hips? don’t make me repeat myself. I get very hungry when I have to repeat myself

Her: hahahahahaa calm down ok!!!!and i dont know my sizes sorry but i can tell u that i have a pretty buddy more ass tan breast and thin and tall hahaha but i will chek my sizes and i let u know another day u hungry man!!hahahaha

Me: I’m thinking about late lunch. Taco I’ll need a photo

Her: ok u can check my piks and if you want a pik u must send me on of u fisrt in boxers my mail is [email address] and im late to lunch too so i have to go see u soon be good and dont forget me hehehehe i send u a very big kiss dear bye bye my piks of face of course!!!

Me: check your mail later enjoy your lunch

Her: perfect bye bye

I send her this:

Here it is [name]. Don’t get too wet. I know I’m sexy. Now your turn. I want to see tits and ass.

Krauser action toys coming soon

Something like this in Floridita

A few days later its Friday night and we plan to hit Casa de Musica, the “hip” club in Havana, after a few cuba libres in our apartment. Just as we are walking home, about 8pm, some street whore is standing on the corner so we say hello and walk on. Some big fat old American tries to buy her but she seems to dislike him and instead follows us up the stairs to the apartment. Because Toe is at the back he says it’s his set to try and shore. Whatever, she’s rather grotty. So she joins us for rum and it’s just a laid back fun drink. She starts flicking through a video games magazine I left lying around so I show her my Nintendo 3DS which she loves, regressing like a little girl, cooing and chuckling. I put the headphones on her and we leave her in the world of Zelda for half an hour as we chat amongst ourselves. When she wants to go Toe undresses her in his room saying “no dinero, no dinero”. It seems on. He’s about to get his shoring (and Cuban flag) when she suddenly has second thoughts. She leaves, we drink, then at 11pm hit the club.

Zelda, yesterday

After nearly having to slap a few queue jumpers outside we stroll into Casa de Musica and it’s like being on a different planet, Planet Smoking Hot Women. It is jam-packed wall to wall with 7+s. I’ve never seen so many 9s in one place, not even in Estonia. All week I’d been disappointed with the standard of Cuban women but now I realise where they’ve all been hiding. And they are all hitting on us (them being whores, we don’t kid ourselves). Although we are quite aware what’s going on it is still a shock to the system on a primal level to have half a dozen truly beautiful girls competing for our attention at any one time. Our forebrains may well be saying “they are whores, don’t feel special” but our hindbrains are “woo!hoo!woot!woot!” It’s early days and I’ve heard they are very expensive here ($100) so I say to Toe “let’s just treat this as bar game practice. We’ve got a chance to tease and mess with a flock of stunning girls and they are going to stand there and take it. It would be so hard to get this chance in London so let’s drill it into ourselves to tease them.” My vibe is great anyway. So we start tooling these girls and they are biting hard, playing along. I sense it’s gonna be a great night of douchebaggery. Soon I’m locked in with the most beautiful girl whore in the club, a tall brunette who is quite possibly a 10, while I keep playing kids pranks on her and making everyone laugh. She asks me if I want the fucky-fucky so I tell her I’m here to drink beer with my friends but maybe later. I’m expecting her to move on to other leads but she hangs around. Then, unexpectedly, the Chinese bird turns up (we’ve nicknamed her Ming-Ming).

sans umbrella

She starts throwing herself at me. Oh how lucky it is I met you again, it’s my last night in Cuba, I want to have a special night etc. Quite a change from the last time I saw her. I have a dilemma.

1. Game up the whore 10 until she lowers her price enough to make it worth taking her home. The incentive is it’ll be a night of great sex with an unbelievably hot woman. The drawback is it’ll cost alot of money and, with her being a whore, there is no validation whatsoever in banging her. Like having the best wank of your life. Great fun, but just gratification. or,
2. Take home the Chinese 6 for free to get a new flag and return the F-Town dogtags to their rightful owner.

Toe says to bang the chink then come back to the club. So I pull her outside on the promise of rum in my apartment. She follows eagerly. I’m thinking I can get her done within an hour and then get back to my night out but a fearsome case of LMR rears it’s ugly head. It takes over an hour to close her. First she rebuffs the kiss, then the breasts, and so on as I gradually get her undressed. I have to hold her down and she’s protesting with hard token resistance. It’s so borderline that to be sure I go into the bathroom for a few minutes just so I can leave her alone in my room with a clear line to the door if she wants to leave. She stays. Ok, definitely token resistance. She’s giving me the “you are not going to fuck me” routine right up until she asks “do you have a condom?” Bloody LMR. If it wasn’t for the double-whammy of flag n tags I would’ve thrown her out.

On the plus side, once I do get my cock inside her she becomes very good. She tells me I’m the fifth guy to fuck her (she’s 28). After the first time we go to the end of the street for pizza then I bring her back in and fuck her again. She’s all over me by now having been thoroughly tamed. I nail her hard then finally decide to head back to the club but I’ve misjudged it. As I open the front door Toe is outside without his keys, a toothless hophead local guy next to him hassling for spare change. I rush to the club, Ming-Ming in tow, but it’s throwing out time. I quickly scan the room for hot whores but they have all left or paired up. So I return empty handed, by which time Toe has a beautiful girl whore with him that he knocked down to $50.

So I missed a great night but got a good flag. Shame she wasn’t hotter.

Learning points

• Just cos a girl thinks you’re a drunken arsehole one night doesn’t mean she won’t secretly like it, think about it, then come back for more
• When a girl is ready to be extracted, don’t waste time. It took ten minutes from bumping into her again to leaving the club
• Notice the difference between token resistance and real resistance. The easy way is to give a girl chances to leave and see if she takes them

Girls will approach you all the time. If there’s a particular girl you like, all you need is to say hello and start a trivial conversation. Be nice, they’ll come on to you. Take them around for a couple of hours like an instant date, then back to your private apartment to fuck them. It’s soft prostitution. You don’t need game, you just need convertible currency and a foreign passport then girls will flock to you for the novelty and the chance to get into tourist-only venues they are normally excluded from.

I’ve checked some forums and it would appear quite accurate. Most of those places are for mongers / sex tourists and thus those guys end up paying actual cash – they aren’t exactly attractive fellows from the right-hand side of the male bell curve. So repeat the above formula but with a taxi driver introducing the girl, zero game, and a $30 cash exchange at the end. This leaves many ponderables. We won’t know for sure what the score is until we get there, but these are our draft rules of engagement:

• No lays go on the official notch count / flag count / lay reports. They don’t count as game.
• F-Town is in cryogenic suspension until we touch back in Mexico.
• To the extent we can call a lay an achievement, the girl must be extremely hot, a nonpro, selected by us in a normal cold approach encounter (i.e. not pimped and not selecting us), sticks around until we dismiss her, and does not get uppity if we don’t pay her.

I suspect I realise now why so many keyboard jockeys rant on about how “easy” it is to pick up girls in Eastern Europe. I used to think it was the normal hating dynamic where everyone on the internet is a self-delusional seven feet tall model-banging badass (when not in his mum’s basement playing WoW), the type of guys who hallucinate about picking up supermodels the moment they step off the plane in Moscow simply because they have a US passport and a +7 Staff of Enchantment. But no, perhaps there is an actual logical reason for their delusion and by jove I think I understand it.

These guys are all American

"I adore US passports" - artist's impression of LIthuania

I’ll explain. American’s generally don’t leave their own country and when they do it’s to nearby Americanised resorts that sell twinkies and budweiser. I just suffered such a hellhole in Cancun before decamping to cleaner pastures. What little world history they have is about the collapse of the Soviet empire in 1989 and the brutal impoverishment there as gangster capitalism ran wild, thus leading many young women to whore themselves out. They probably still think Eastern Europe is like that. The oil and gas boom in Russian, the EU membership of Romania and Poland, the ERM mechanism for the baltic states, the ability for Poles and Bulgarians etc to simply take an Easyjet flight to London and start work the next day for a high minimum wage (a legal entitlement in the EU treaty)….. these all pass by the typical American. They don’t realise that Eastern European girls don’t need the money from whoring and don’t need a new passport.

What they do see is Cuba. Those girls do need the money and would love to snag a US-passport-holding boyfriend. Cuba is still a communist hellhole with long queues for the basic necessities of civilised life. Banging girls in Cuba is a clear case of economic disparities.

A hot Cuban, yesterday

Two weeks from now I’ll have an answer for you. A direct comparison of street gaming in the former Soviet satellites and “gaming” in the still-Soviet Cuba.

I haven’t bothered with editing the idate itself. It was routine stuff for an hour. She wants to meet again but time will tell. It’s not long till I go to Cuba and I’m far more interested in stockpiling a mountain of cheap Cuban cigars than I am about closing a bird, despite the fact she’s clearly my type. Wouldn’t turn it down, but I’m not in the mood for chasing girls when I could be swimming in the sea or breaking out my Rosetta Stone to learn Mexican.

A nice bird, yesterday

After the date I meet Toe back at the hotel and we go out for a fine feast at Taco Loco (recommendation of a local hostel owner we’ve been drinking with). The dappy tarts get in touch making all manner of excuses then agree to come to our hotel bar. We sit playing Jenga and they do in fact show about 11pm all dolled-up like proper club tarts on their way to the BPM music festival. The chance of us going to a club district full of monotone screeching dance music is about the same as the chances of Burnley winning the league. We decline and let the girls go. They are in high spirits and a bit drunk despite having tottered on their high heels for 20 minutes to get to us. Toe and I decide to chill in the hotel room and wait for the late-night post-club text, if it comes. The decision seems binary: they get a better offer and we never hear from them, or they don’t and they come to our hotel for a nailing. Neither happens. Toe begins the light text game at 2am.

Toe: Pacifico or Victoria?

Girl: U guys have a bad attitude u shouldn’t talk like that. U think we r sluts we’re not. Stop harrassing us [I paraphrase]

Uh??? These girls had been texting us 3-to-1 for 24 hours. It’s an absolute non-sequitor. We hadn’t done the slightest escalation verbal or physical. Can only imagine its a classic case of projection because they are sluts. Whatever. I was sleepy so I went to sleep.